some aviation black humor

Living 4 miles from Wyton, I can confirm that that is the normal weather…..

On a similar vein…The Met officer at Shawbury got so fed up with student Pilots ringing him and asking for an ‘actual’, he slammed the ‘phone down, stormed down to our crewroom and drew a big rectangle in chinagraph on the window and wrote ‘Actual’ underneath it, threw the pen down and shouted:
“Right, you don’t need to keep calling me, just look out of the *******ing window!”

RAF Wyton – 70s. Met brief for Chipmunk (Trainer) flight.

Met man: “We’ll have regular showers throughout the day.”

Question from Chipmunk pilot: “How long will they last?”

Met man: “About 15 minutes each”.

Question: “How frequent will they be?”

Met man: “About 3 or 4 each hour”.

😉

I cannot remember the actual airports but the story goes along the lines…on the flightpath at “Cincinnati”, about two mile out from the threshold, on the roof of a large commercial unit, some wag had painted on the roof in bold, large and professional script – “Welcome to Detroit”.

Mark

Then there’s the one about the airliner that is approaching New York’s Kennedy Airport and radio’s ahead to confirm the local time. The reply comes back “That depends on who you are. If you are American Airlines, it is 2:10 PM. If you are Lufthansa, it is 1410. If you are British Airways, the big hand is on the 2 and…”

ahahahahah :D:D:D

Alex

A good few years ago now, a pilot with a strong French accent was attempting to make himself understood after a channel crossing in poor weather:

London Radar: Are you VMC or IMC?

Pilot: I do not understand

London Radar: Are you flying in the cloud or out of the cloud?

Pilot: I am eeeen and out of zeee bottoms

Voice out of ether: VIVE LE SPORT!

Some good AvHumor books by a guy called Sherman Morgan.

One more that I heard myself some years ago…..

There was some sort of light aircraft rally at Duxford with a continual stream of aircraft arrivals. I was at home 2 miles from the airfield and listening to the tower communications. The aircraft were calling DX tower and asking for joining instructions and being told the runway in use, etc, and being told to call back when on the downwind leg.

One aircraft subsequently reported back as requested but no further word was heard from him. After a while the tower called him again asking his position and was told that he had already landed and was parked beside a Tiger Moth near the tower! The tower queried this as he was nowhere in sight but during this transmission, the phone in the tower could be heard ringing so the controller stopped transmitting. After a brief pause the controller came back on air and calmly stated that it had been Cambridge Airport on the line enquiring about an aircraft that had landed unannounced!

The controller then gave the errant pilot fresh joining instructions…..

“Leave Cambridge Airport via the main gate and take the Cambridge ring road to reach the M11 motorway. Head south and then leave the motorway at Junction 10. Turn right onto the A505 and after 400 yards, the Duxford main gate is on the left!”

There was one years ago where some guy was a tad lost in some Cessna. he gets vectored away from London & his parting comment was “thanks, am now passing Blackwater”
To which ATC responded: You are advised to see a Doctor”

There’s some good ones there…
here’s some more:
From my flying scholarship, a chap from Eton wasn’t particularly hot on RT:

G-YM: Norwich Approach, Golf Yankee Mike Downhill
Nch App: Roger Yankee Mike, Report Uphill!

Another flight on finals….
G-YM: Norwich Approach…erm…..Please may I land?
Nch App: Yankee Mike, you may do so if you so wish!

Overheard, an exchange between a Gazelle student Pilot and Shawbury tower whilst I was in a Wessex going through start up, the Gazelle Pilot was asking the ATC if she was going to be in the mess bar that night, and a voice from the ether came on:
“You’ll be sorry!”
apparantley, whilst she had a lovely voice, she drove a ‘skin-tight’ TR7

Lastly, from aviation folklore…Gold Romeo Romeo was unsure of position over the Irish Sea and was calling for QDB (if my memory serves me correctly) and voice from the ether said:
“Romeo, Romeo, where art thou?

Following the theme here, some of you have probably seen these before but for those who have not……

(No guarantees as to their authenticity!)

While taxi-ing at Los Angeles, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right on to Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!
Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!” Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?” Yes ma’am,” the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit at L.A. was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”

~~~~~

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able…
If not able, take the Guadaloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”

~~~~~

Unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff
queue: “I’m f…ing bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft
transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”

~~~~~

Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.”
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”
Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern …
we’ve already notified our caterers.”

~~~~~

O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this … I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”

~~~~~

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a
beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war.”

~~~~~

Apologies to our German friends – no disrespect intended.

I’ve heard that atributed to a Viscount and a Trident captain. BA206 is the Miami to London Heathrow run and I’ve also heard the Hamburg was the airport in question…..you should never look too much into these stories!

yes probably, they’re kind of “aviation urban legends”, but prolly someone has really done it, there are sooo many to tell, I’m sure the guys here know someone, maybe always related to historical aviation. 🙂

Cheers

Alex

I’ve heard that atributed to a Viscount and a Trident captain. I’ve also heard the Hamburg was the airport in question…… BTW BA206 is the Miami to London Heathrow run (though it might have been different then)

Just goes to show you should never look too much into these stories!

Edited to make some kind of sense – and English is my first language??

Haha, that i like!