The Boat Race
The Queens Flight (TQF) RAF Benson and 24 Squadron RAF Abingdon decided to have a competitive boat race on the River Thames. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be. The Abingdon team won by a mile. Afterwards, the Benson team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged.
TQF decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of Executive Officers (CMITEO)was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action. Their conclusion: The problem was that the TQF Benson team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering, whereas the Abingdon team had 8 persons rowing and 1 person steering. The Executive Officers Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.
After some time and billions of pounds, the consulting firm concluded that “too many people were steering and not enough rowing.” To prevent losing to the Abingdon team again next year, the management structure was changed to “4 Steering Officers, 3 Area Steering Officers, and 1 Steering Wing Commander” and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a star performer.
The next year the Abingdon team won by two miles!
The Queens Flight Steering Committee laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the oars, cancelled all leave, called for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed medals, promotions and knighthoods on the money saved as bonuses to the senior officers.
😮
By: keithmac - 12th October 2004 at 23:36
Saying what you mean is important, getting it wrong can can be embarrassing! This is a true story! At RAF Kinloss a few years ago it seemed that every airman on the married quarter site was determined to have a shed or greenhouse or gazebo or something in his garden. The CO decided that things were getting out of hand and that the place was starting to look decidedly untidy and unmilitary. He ordered OC Admin to put out an order prohibiting the building of any more such things without permission. The order read ” No airman is to have an erection in his back garden without the prior consent of OC Admin Wing”.
By: keithmac - 12th October 2004 at 23:20
Back in the old days when there were lots of RAF stations and lots of airmen, an LAC was posted to a quiet little station somewhere in England. On arrival he was told that he would become the SWO’s runner. (The Station Warrant Officers messenger). The SWO’s brief was simple. 07:30 arrive at SHQ. 07:31 fill kettle and put on to boil. 07:32 fill watering can and water the garden outside the HQ. 07:50 brew tea. 07:55 pour SWO’s tea, milk, one sugar. 07:56 place tea on SWO’s desk for his arrival at 08:00. The LAC follows this routine for a week, and is doing well until friday morning when the heavens open and the rain pours down. Good he thinks, just the tea to make. The SWO arrives at 08;00 as usual. “Made the tea laddie?” “Yes Sir!”, “Watered the garden?” “No Sir!”, “Why bloody not?” “It’s thowing it down outside Sir” “You’ve got a bloody raincoat hav’nt you”.
By: Arabella-Cox - 18th September 2004 at 08:03
A new CO was posted to RAF Seletar and every six weeks guard duty came round for everyone under the rank of Corporal. One particular Sunday Group Captain Cumming had been into Singapore City in his private car to a meeting with the British Ambassador, the Guard Commander on the gate briefed the guard to be observant for the CO’s return visit and when seen was to stand smartly to attention and salute.
LAC Smith saw a car approach, but he wasn’t aware what the new CO looked like, he went up to it, the driver wound down his window and said Group Captain Cumming, with that Smith said “Thanks mate, we’ll keep an eye out for the ba*tard!”
By: LesB - 17th September 2004 at 23:54
Germany, 1963 – a semi-formal “meet-and-greet” bash between a Canberra Strike Sqn and the USAF F-105 guys from Spangdalem. A USAF Col with a chest full of dangling medals approaches a group of steely-eyed RAF types. “Watch out,” whispers a nav, “here comes magnetic north!”
😎
By: mmitch - 17th September 2004 at 20:20
Doesn’t happen these days, does it? 😮
mmitch.
By: Arabella-Cox - 17th September 2004 at 20:12
The new Station Commander was assigned to RAF El Adem which is a remote post in the Libyan Desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Flight Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
“Well, sir,” is the nervous reply, “as you know, there are 600 men here and no women. And Sir, sometimes the men have … mmm …. urges. That’s why we have the camel, Sir.”
The Group Captain says, “I can’t say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay.”
About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Flight Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Group Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he is done, he asks the Flight Sergeant, “Is that how the men do it?”
“Uh, no sir,” the Flight Sergeant replies. “They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.”
😀
By: Arabella-Cox - 17th September 2004 at 10:41
There’s one RAF story which ALWAYS makes me smile when I hear it; the story of Flt Lt Alan Pollock and the day he flew a Hunter through London’s Tower Bridge. This was covered on PPRuNe a year or so ago, and I’ll reproduce it here with quotes from various people…
“As I recall, and I expect that others will add to it, the Hunter was from 1 Squadron. The story I heard was that pilots were getting fed-up with the government giving the RAF a bad time, scaling it down etc. In a bar somewhere, a pilot (Flt Lt. Alan Pollock if my memory serves me right) who was about to leave the RAF agreed to be elected to fly a Hunter through Tower Bridge as a protest.
It was told to me by a senior officer so I repeat it for what it is worth. I have no doubt if it’s wrong we will hear about it.” – PPRuNe Pop
“In 1968 it was the RAF’s 50th birthday, yet the top brass did not see fit to mark this with any flypast, choosing instead for mere parades on the ground. Many RAF personnel were less than impressed and one Flt Lt Alan Pollock of 1(F) Squadron decided to mark the occasion in style – first with toilet-roll bombing missions against rival squadrons, and then on April 5th, while suffering from the beginnings of pneumonia which no doubt had some affect on his decision making processes, he flew his Hunter over London and at the last second decided to fly under the top span of Tower Bridge! Knowing of the consequences of his unauthorised trip, he proceeded to beat up several airfields and landed to meet his fate. It would be the end of his RAF career (he went on to run a successful exporting company), with political influences making sure he was treated incredibly unfairly – thrown out of the RAF with no right to appeal, no court martial at which he could present his case, medical evidence ignored, unable to meet with his superiors, etc. It took until 1982 for his case to be fully heard, and only then was he exonerated. Coincidentally, that same year the Hunter he had flown (XF442, which had been sold to the Chilean Air Force) was written off in an accident.” – posted by Mike Jenvey, but acknowledged as taken from DamienB’s Thunder and Lightnings website
And the final account of the incident, which for me is the crowning glory…
“On the day concerned I was sitting at my desk at Dunsfold listening on the phone to a Wing Commander in OR speaking about some issue of the day, when he started to speak ever more slowly (a very rare event for that individual) and just before he came to a stop his last words were ‘There is a Hunter flying under the bridges’ There then followed about 3 secs of silence at both ends before we both spoke simultaneously one word – Pollock.
But then you see we both knew him quite well.” – posted by John Farley
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September 16, 2004 at 8:26 pm