Off topic flying humor

While this is a joke, there is a small distant thread of truth to the way the USAF works…..

Subject: Points of View
>
>
>
> VARIOUS INTERPRETATIONS ON WHY THE CHICKEN
> CROSSED THE ROAD…
> >
> Colonel: Successful crossing, well planned and carried out in
> accordance with my directives.
> >
> Chief [Master SGT]: About time that thing worked; hope the Colonel’s
> finally happy.
> >
> NCO: Changed two wings, a beak, and removed a bad egg, and the silly
> thing still can’t fly!
> >
> 2nd Lt.: Look at the pretty bird!
> >
> Marine: We crossed the road first.
>
> Tower: The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This
> road-incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken
> Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please reemphasize that chickens are
> required to read back all ‘hold short’ instructions.
> >
> Command Post: What chicken?
> >
> Air Education and Training Command (AETC): The purpose is to
> familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road crossing
> should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo
> chickens must have at least 3 miles of visibility and a safety observer.
> >
> Air Force Special Operations Command (AFSOC): The chicken crossed at
> a 90-degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of
> communication.
> To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should perform this maneuver at
> night using NVGs, preferably near a road bend in a valley.
> >
> Air Force Personnel Center (AFPC): Due to the needs of the Air
> Force, the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the
> road. This will be a 3-year controlled tour and we promise to give the
> chicken
> a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do
> one road crossing during its career, and this will not affect its
> opportunities for promotion.
> >
> Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA): Despite what you see on CNN, I
> can neither confirm nor deny any fowl performing acts of transit.
> Questions? Please see the SSO.
> >
> Air Force Reserve Command (AFRC): If it didn’t happen on a Saturday
> or Sunday, we missed it.
> >
> Air Force National Guard (ANG): Ditto.
> >
> Air Force Foreign Technology Center (AFFTC): This event will need
> confirmation; we need to repeat it using varied chicken breeds, road
> types, and weather conditions to confirm whether it can actually
> happen within the parameters specified for chickens and the remote
> possibility that they might cross thruways designated by some as
> ‘roads.’
> >
> Air Combat Command (ACC): The chicken should log this as a GCC
> sortie only if road-crossing qualified. The crossing updates the
> chicken’s
> 60-day road-crossing currency only if performed on a Monday or Thursday
> or
> during a full moon. Instructor chickens may update currency any time
> they observe another chicken cross the road.
> >
> Pacific Air Force (PACAF): We don’t have chickens yet, as they
> haven’t been funded. The latest projection is for chickens in FY2002, at
> which
> time they will be WRM assets assigned to ACC.
> >
> Air Mobility Command (AMC): The purpose is not important. What is
> important is that the chicken remained under the OPCON of CINCTRANS
> and did not CHOP to the theater on the other side of the road. Without
> CHOPing, the chicken was able to achieve a seamless road crossing with
> near perfect, real-time in-transit visibility.
> >
> Tanker Airlift Control Center (TACC): We need the road-crossing time
> and the time the chicken becomes available for another crossing.
> >
> Air Force Materiel Command (AFMC): Recent changes in technology,
> coupled with today’s multi-polar strategic environment, have created
> new challenges in the chicken’s ability to cross the road. The chicken
> was
> also faced with significant challenges to create and develop core
> competencies required for this new environment. AFMC’s Chicken Systems
> Program Office (CSPO), in a partnering relationship with the client,
> helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and
> implementation
> processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) CSPO helped the
> chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and
> experiences to align the
> chicken’s people, processes, and technology in support of its overall
> strategy within a Program management framework. The CSPO convened a
> diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and retired chickens along with
> MITRE consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to
> engage in a two-day
> itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge and
> capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them synergism with each
> other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and
> successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value
> framework across
> the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in
> a
> park-like setting enabling and creating an impact full environment which
> was strategically based, mission-focused, and built upon a consistent,
> clear, and unified Mission Need Statement and aligned with the chicken’s
> mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the
> creation of a
> total business integration solution. The Chicken Systems Program Office
> helped
> the chicken change to continue meeting its mission requirements.
> >
> Blackhorse: The chicken crossing facility was paved, and area security
> lighting was installed. Chicken rest, and dining facilities were
> constructed IAW local building codes. Authorization and funding are
> pending for the chicken training amphitheater, and chicken recreation
> facility.
> >
> C-130 Pilot: I don’t care what it is, just put the darn bird in the
> back and let’s get outta here.
> >
> AC-130 Pilot: The target fowl was tracked from orbit station CLASSIFIED,
> at a range of CLASSIFIED meters. Target was then engaged with both
> CLASSIFIED and CLASSIFIED weapons; target was destroyed at CLASSIFIED
> hours.
> >
> C-5 Pilot: Chicken?! I ordered a #4 with turkey and ham, NOT
> chicken! Besides, where the heck are my condiments?! We ain’t taking
> off till I
> get my *&#!%^ condiments!!!
>
> E-4B Pilot: We ain’t crossing no chicken road, or any other road
> without an approved and signed mission order. Reports indicate that
> there might be Wx (rain) in the area; so we will divert to our secondary
> destination.
> >
> AWACS Crew: Due to our being in a turn at that precise moment, we
> have no confirmation of any chickens in the area at that time. Our ACE
> advises that such an event is extremely unlikely, in any case.
> >
> F-15 Jock: Look, dude, that was what the frag said, OK? I’ve
> flown my 1.0 for the day and I ain’t got time for any more questions!
> >
> JSTARS Crew: The chicken event was observed, tracked, and relayed to the
> cognizant Ground Component Commander. GCC responded with sufficient
> assets to arrest the chicken movement. Customers are reminded that
> unless sufficient resources are provided, JSTARS assets will not be
> available after the 2nd Qtr of FY…
> >
> F-117 Pilot: Wasn’t that great! I snuck up on it at 2 feet AGL at
> 480 knots, illuminated its tail feathers with the laser designator, and
> ‘goosed’ it before it even knew I was there!
> >
> B-1 Crew: Missed the whole show: We had an IFE so we couldn’t get
> out to see it; you’ll have to ask the SOF.
> >
> CHECKMATE: The chicken used its unique ability to operate in 2
> dimensions to bypass the less important strategic rings on this side
> of the road and strike directly into the heart of the enemy, destroying
> the
> will of the enemy to fight and ending the conflict on terms favorable to
> the chicken.
> >
> AF Chief Of Staff: Even though all chicken crossings were interdicted
> with A-10 assets, Thunderbolt II funding will be terminated after
> FY-0(X). Time Over Target, and weapon payload factors are not a
> priority with regard to mission analysis. Monies will be diverted to
> F-16, JSF, and F-22 programs, to ensure the timely replacement of aging
> A-10 airframes.
> >
> Congress: The chicken appears to be an efficient substitute for the
> F-22.
> >
> Former President: I did not have sexual relations with that chicken.