Levity (Merged)

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”

“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the Flight Attendant, “and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”

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A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.” The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”

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“Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution

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(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

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(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

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(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid

(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal – #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

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(P) Something loose in cockpit

(S) Something tightened in cockpit

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(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S) Evidence removed

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(P) DME volume unbelievably loud

(S) Volume set to more believable level

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(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(S) Live bugs on order

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(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

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(P) IFF inoperative

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

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(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(S) That’s what they’re there for

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(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

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(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, “fly right” and be serious

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(P) Target Radar hums

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

Cheers

Kev 😀