Twas The Night Before Christmas…

Twas The Night Before Christmas…

By Liz Underhill

And all through the house, not a creature was stirring Cranky Cat ate the mouse. My girdle was hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that St Nicholas would notice it there. Cranky Dog was nestled at the foot of the bed while visions of doggy bones danced in his head. And I in my jammies and a whiskey nightcap dreaming of Santa sitting right on my lap. When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter I tripped over Cranky Cat who was now much more flatter. I tore open the window not a second to miss I hoped I could catch Santa and blow him a kiss. A bright moon was lighting the new fallen snow it looked like Santa was beginning to glow. Cranky Dog was beside me looking up to the roof and there plopped Santa looking quite aloof. He was a little old man with a beard that was thick now I knew why they called him Old Saint Nick.

Like a bolt of lightning the reindeer they came I tried to yell out at them and call them by name, hey Masher, hey Stancer hey Minnie and Vixens I lifted my glass and added more whiskey and mixins. Get off my roof or the cops I will call hit the road fly away and don’t ever call. They took off as I staggered and tried to stand up, those stale Twinkies I ate were trying to come up. So off of my rooftop the deer they did fly Rudolph’s nose lifted up with not a goodbye. And then in a twinkling I heard on the roof they had forgotten old Santa oh gosh what a goof. I reached for my arrows and a rifle as well and just then old Santa down the chimney he fell. With a huge bag of goodies tied to his back, I told Cranky dog Santa wasn’t a snack. His breathing belaboured, his feet were a dragging Cranky Dog was delighted his tail was a waggin. He was dressed all in red and a sloppy old hat he could hardly move cause he was so fat.

He groaned as he bushed against our huge Christmas tree and politely informed me he just had to pee. He had a round face and a huge round belly that was looser and floppier than a bowl full of jelly. He came towards me his lips held a smile, I could tell by his breath he hadn’t brushed in awhile. How he came down the chimney without getting stuck, is a wonder to me he was such a schmuck. I said not a thing and drank from my glass, my speech it was slurring I let out some gas. As he flew up the chimney I got to thinking, he must have discovered that I was a drinkin. He yelled for the reindeer not to forget him that night to come back there to get him and they could continue the in flight I ran outside and raised my glassy eyes to the sky Merry Christmas to all can they really fly? I turned to the tree and saw with delight, presents for all of us it gave such a fright. A dog bone for dog, and Catnip for cat and a huge bottle of whiskey wow I could drink that! I ran to the window and smiling out there was Santa waving his hair in the air….

Merry Christmas Ms Klara he laughed with good cheer, Next year forget whiskey and just leave me some beer…