London Olympics 2012 (Eastenders Style)

Great cities around the world have hosted the Olympics over the years.
Each venue has endeavoured to reflect its character in the games and in keeping with this tradition the London Olmypic Committee are making the following recommendations in order that a worldwide audience really gets to feel the soul of the city.

OPENING CEREMONY

The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from Tower Hamlets), wearing the traditional hoody.
The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic games, London’s competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local ‘London’ athletes.

100 METRE SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 100 metres behind the athletes.

100 METRE HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens,
fences, walls etc.)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to
use (claw, sledge etc.) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to innocent members of the public within the time allowed.

FENCING
Entrants will be tasked with disposing of as much stolen property as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event.
The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank clerk or Securicor style wages delivery man.
Those who make the final will be driven at speed past a nightclub in a stolen BMW, the winner will be the person who shoots the most competitiors in the Fencing event which will be taking place outside the said nightclub.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
will take place on Friday night.
The husband will be given 15 pints of lager to drink while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy’s boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, snorting a line, joy riding and arson.

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided but the runners will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.
Competitors must then steal a white van, load up the bags they have collected, leave the city jumping as many red lights as possible in the process and dumping the bags at the stroke of midnight in a country beauty spot.

SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown off the bridge into The Thames. The first three survivors back that are still wearing their concrete overshoes will decide the medals.

MEN’S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled and renamed the 50m walk as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of London for a greater distance.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Peckham Health In The Community Anti-drug Campaigners, synchronised
rock throwing and music by the Camden Community Choir.
The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium.
The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.