Why Men are Cooler than Women (PG version)

This was originally only what you see in black text. Then my sister got a hold of it and added the blue text:) The “PG version” I guess would stand for “personalized gay version”
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Why Men are cooler than women [I](I thought it needed a little commentary 😉 [/I]

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. (which is such a pity, especially since you spent 3 hours doing killer squats to firm up those cheeks! Never mind, your gluteus won’t go un-noticed when you “shake what yo Mama gave yah” on the dance floor tonight…)

2. Your orgasms are real. Always. (except three years ago, when while under the influence, you picked up a fattie…)

3. Your last name stays put. (until in a fit of blinded love/lust you agree to hyphenate yours and your significant other’s last names)

4. The garage is all yours. (and completely color coordinated! Yea!)

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves. (Absolutely! Greg for decorations, Alan for the scrumptious cake, Nick for the hors d’oeuvres, Linda and Marsha for all the electrical works and lightings…)

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.(Absolutely! You just tell all your mutual friends what a slut “he” is…)

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth. (and you nod like it all made sense too)

8. You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut. (but someone please please, pleeeease mention the cool frosted highlights….)

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. (unless you’re into leather and whips)

10. Same work. more pay. (also, same work, more style, more flare, more chic, more color….)

11. Wrinkles-add character. (This should be spelt: Wrinkles-add Botox)

12. You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. (gurl-friend, not unless you want that sock padding to fall out!)

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. (boutinear from Tiffany’s: $1000; Armani Sheer socks $200; Going through endless tux rental shops and dealing with bitter hags who will never themselves get married: f**king priceless)

14. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen. (even though you swear that is what’s causing your weight gain, not the doughnuts that you ate last night)

15. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them. (and to think you got your nipples pierced specifically for that purpose)

16. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. (unless you reasoned that size 18 pumps would make you look hideous and so you got a couple of sizes smaller…)

17. One mood, ALL the damn time. (yeah: bitchy!)

18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds. (to be languidly continued over endless cups of mocha latte in some trendy cafe)

19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase. (to hold all the skin care supplies, that is. It’s the other 40 suitcases that hold the party wear, beach wear, in-case you get lucky where/wear…)

20. You can open all your own jars. (but who needs to, when it is an excellent excuse to call the hunky neighbor over?!)

21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. (well, yeah. From the clueless ones anyway. Your female friends downright expect it now!)

22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. (if we’re talking the edible kind, I guess *yawn*)

23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. (except your mother)

24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat. (pretty easy, really, when you’re reading Barbara Cartland’s romantic novels)

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. (for a weekend getaway, perhaps…)

26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking “He must be mad at me.” (probably because both of you are silently redesigning the uniforms with sequins in mind…)

27. No maxi-pads. (Though you’d swear you could’ve used one last weekend when Nick at the tanning booth went all Nelly on you)

28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. (or alternatively, scratch each other’s eyes out)

29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. (one of which needs to be “fuchsia” or “taupe”)

30. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. (specially like the last time at the clothing store: When that nut had to bolt with unpaid merchandise, without thinking, you turned him in to the mall security!)

31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes. (thanks to the strobe lights that were on the dance floor where you partied all night. Incidentally, now you also cannot see the cars on the streets, the people in the cars, the cop following you…)

32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. (ya, maybe in your worst nightmare -from which you wake up screaming, drenched in sweat!)

33. Your belly usually hides your big hips. (Eek! see comment above)

34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. (Oh, gawd! Please see comment above)

35. You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife. (Sure, if you decide to hold the manicurist hostage with said pocket knife)

36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes (Hooray for Macys.com and FedEx overnight!)