Anything Funny Out There??

Thought I’d add one…

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Albania, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Korea. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Paddy and Mick go for a job in a call centre, the centre manager says “In order to assess your diction, I’d like you to construct a sentence including the word fascinate ?”

No problem says Paddy… “I have a nice new jacket, it’s got twelve buttons but I can only fascinate.” 😀

I know one like that but using the word contageous. Doubt I’ll get away with it on here though… 😉

I had a nightmare last night, i dreamt i was a muffler
When i woke up i was exhausted

I know this is an old one, but it makes me smile:

A man walks into a sports stadium with a long tube on his shoulder. A guard walks up to him and asks “Are you a pole valter?”

The man replies “No, I am a German. How did you know my name was Valter?” 😀 😀 😉

OK! Well if you don’t mind then I’m sure they won’t. I wasn’t aware that you were just mod for the commercial section!

———–

Ren, I hope these aren’t too offensive for this forum. Let me know if you’re not happy and I’ll delete them. I hope not though.

Well I don’t mind them it’s a joke thread after all, and besides I ain’t mod for this forum. :p

Better ask Flood and Frankvw, I’ve got enough on my hands with the playground spats on Commercial right now. 😮

Subject: Who’s the boss?????

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
“I should be in charge,” said the brain, “because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would work”.
“I should be in charge,” said the stomach, “because I process food and give all of you energy.”
“I should be in charge,” said the blood I circulate oxygen all over the body so without me you’d all waste away”
“I should be in charge,” said the legs, “because I carry everything wherever it needs to go”
“I should be in charge,” said the eyes, “becasue I allow the body to see where it’s going”
“I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “because I’m responsible for all the waste disposal”
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated and full, the legs got wobbly and tired, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic.
They all decided in the end that the rectum should be the boss.
And the moral of the story?….
The ******** is usually in chage.

———————–

A Man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lift and as he does, his elbow accidendtly goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and apologies “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”

She replies, “If your **** is as hard as your elbow then I’m in room 221.”

——————–

An elderly couple sat down to breakfast one morning just like any other. The only difference today was that it was that of their 50th anniversary. The erldely woman said to her husband “I seems like it was just the other day to me” the husband replies “Yes it seems like it was just the other day to me too, I remember we sat down to breakfast totaly naked!”

Granny’s face brightens up. She says to her husband “Why don’t we relive those old times now on our special day?” Gramps replies equally as enthusiastic “Yes, let’s do that The old couple leave the table to get undressed. They return to the table as they did 50 years ago completely naked. Granny says to Gramps “My nipples feel just as hot as they did the day after I married you love!” Gramps replies not looking as thrilled as she had hoped for “I’m not surprised love, one’s in your coffee and the other’s in yor oatmeal….”

———–

Ren, I hope these aren’t too offensive for this forum. Let me know if you’re not happy and I’ll delete them. I hope not though.

Did you hear about the Public library in Dublin burning down
Half the books weren’t even colored in

Paddy and Mick go for a job in a call centre, the centre manager says “In order to assess your diction, I’d like you to construct a sentence including the word fascinate ?”

No problem says Paddy… “I have a nice new jacket, it’s got twelve buttons but I can only fascinate.” 😀

Doctor Doctor, these shoes are playing merry hell with my Sciatica”

Why is that Sciatica is a back problem ?

Well… my shoes are size eight, but Sciatica ten !

Paddy and mick were walking past a timber mill and noticed the vacancy board which read “Tree fellers wanted” Paddy turned to Mick and said, it’s a shame there’s only two of us we could have applied for that job

A burglar is creeping round his latest victims house, so he starts unplugging the tele and video and hears a voics say “jesus is watching you”. In a panic he starts looking round see where the voice is coming from, cant see anyone. Goes back and puts the tele out the window,picks up the video and hears the same voice “Jesus is watching you” completly spooked now he has another look around and sees a cage in the corner of the room covered over. He goes look and inside is a parrot which promptly says “Jesus is watching you” he asks the Parrot “whats your name then?” the parrot replies “moses” he says “Moses what daft sod calls aparrot Moses” to which the parrot replies “the same daft sod that called the doberman Jesus”

Two lads from Cornwall in a transit van have just picked up gold in Athens in the downhill white water event !

Hey Ashley, that cat pill joke is priceless,
thanks.
Greg

And finally…

Q. What’s pink and hard?
A. A pig with a flick knife.

Q. What’s green and hard?
A. A frog with tattoos.

Q. What do you get if you cross an owl with a hedgehog?
A. A prick that stays up all night.

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT

The plane’s cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super.” On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.” She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one.” To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, *****.”

How To Give A Cat A Pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss-back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the ******* cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little ********’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give A Dog A Pill:

1) Wrap it in bacon.

Hi Folks.
try this link, it gave me a laugh.
http://www.kensmen.com/bob.html
Greg

The Frog

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from his
name plate that the teller’s name is Paddy Whack. So he says, “Mr.
Whack, I’d like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on holiday.”

Paddy Whack looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants
to borrow. The frog says £30,000. The teller asks his name and the
frog says his name is Kermit Jagger and that it’s OK, he knows the
bank manager.

Paddy explains that £30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that
he would need to secure some collateral against the loan and asks if
he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, “Sure. I have
this,” and produces a tiny pink elephant, about half an inch tall,
bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Paddy explains that he’ll have to consult with the
manager and disappears into a back office. He finds the manager and
says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to
know you and wants to borrow 30 grand. And he wants to use this as
collateral.” He holds up the tiny pink elephant “I mean, what the ****
is this?”

The bank manager replies, “It’s a knick knack, Paddy Whack. Give the
frog a loan, his old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

The Duck and the Barman

A duck walks into a bar and asks, “Got any bread?”
And the barman replies, “No.”
And the duck asks, “Got any bread?”
And the barman, “No!”
“Got any bread?”
“I said, N-O NO!”
“Got any bread?”
“For cryin’ out loud – N-O spells NO and I mean NO!!”
“Got any bread?”
“NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!”
“Got any bread?”
“Look, if you ask me one more ******* time if I’ve got any bread, I’m
going to nail your ******* beak to the ****ing bar!! WE HAVE NO
******** BREAD!!!”

“Got any nails?”
“No!”
“Got any bread?”