An Englishman, an Australian and an Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”
The Australian was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:
“Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Australian in horror he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.” But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.
The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!”
“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness”, The Englishman replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”
“Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave”. The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?” the Sheikh asked.
“Tie the Frenchman to my back.”
By: geedee - 25th October 2003 at 13:54
A guy is strolling down the street in London when he comes across an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The genie offers to grant him one wish.
The guy says, “I’ve always wanted to be lucky.”
The genie grants his wish. Off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 quid on the footpath. Not a bad start, he thinks. As he picks up the money, he notices a Ladbrokes betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot. He puts the 10 quid on the nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.
Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table, and puts the whole 1,010 quid on “lucky seven.” Round and round the wheel spins, and “bang!” It lands lucky seven.
Now he’s really flying … what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for some horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne.
The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, “Welcome, sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge.”
The bloke says that he’s always fancied making it with an Indian girl. So he is ushered into one of the rooms. In strolls the most gorgeous subcontinental woman he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp. 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested.
At one point, the guy pauses and says to the girl, “You are one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen in my life. I can’t believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don’t really like about Indian women. I don’t like that red spot that you all have on your forehead.”
The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, “Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark.”
So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden, he leans back and starts laughing his ass off.
“What’s wrong, what’s wrong?” asks the Indian girl.
The bloke replies, “You’re not going to believe this, but I’ve just won a car!”
By: Flood - 25th October 2003 at 00:01
Some people…
You know, you just don’t appreciate a lot of the things that happen to you in school until you get much older. Little things… Like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff like that you pay a lot of good money for these days… 😀
Flood.
By: EN830 - 24th October 2003 at 23:49
And Finally, FLOOD go for the hatrick:D
By: Hand87_5 - 24th October 2003 at 15:14
Very good. LoL
By: EN830 - 24th October 2003 at 14:52
Wiremu, a New Zealander, landed at Sydney to watch the All Blacks in the World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
“Hey Doc, I don’t feel so good, ey” said Wiremu. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had prostate problems, and that the only cure was immediate testicular removal.
“No way Doc, I’m here for the Rugby” replied Wiremu, “I’m gitting a
sicond opinion, ey!”
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated but, with hours to go before the All Blacks opening game, he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said “Wiremu, you huv prostate suckness ey”
“What’s the cure thin Doc ey?” asked Wiremu, hoping for a different answer.
“Wull Wiremu”, said the Kiwi doctor, “Wi’re gonna huv to cut off your balls ey”.
“Phew, thunk Gud for thut!” said Wiremu, “Those Aussie Doctor b——- wanted to take my test tickets off me!”
By: Flood - 23rd October 2003 at 22:30
Um, about a week ago yesterday…
Which way were you going?:D
Flood.
By: EN830 - 23rd October 2003 at 22:04
Originally posted by Flood
In this stupid world the stupid people rule, so the smart people knew they had to act stupid. The stupid people thought they could tell the difference but the smart people made it hard on the stupids to differentiate.
Nowadays the stupid people are getting smarter and the smart people are getting stupider, so now you have to stick your head above the parapet and say… That was just what you expected from me? Damn and blast!Flood – retires to regroup his battered ego…
Going by this theory of yours re stupid people and smart people.
If the smart lot are getting stupider and the stupid lot are getting smarter, at what point in time will they be on the same level, passing each other in effect and changing places, in which case how will we know who were the stupids and who were the smarts?????
By: Flood - 22nd October 2003 at 11:55
In this stupid world the stupid people rule, so the smart people knew they had to act stupid. The stupid people thought they could tell the difference but the smart people made it hard on the stupids to differentiate.
Nowadays the stupid people are getting smarter and the smart people are getting stupider, so now you have to stick your head above the parapet and say… That was just what you expected from me? Damn and blast!
Flood – retires to regroup his battered ego…
By: Mark9 - 22nd October 2003 at 07:26
Very good flood, just what I expect from you.:D Anna:D
By: Flood - 21st October 2003 at 21:57
THE SECRET TO OLD AGE
A woman is having her 90th birthday.
Huge celebration in the village. Everybody is there – the mayor, the police and a reporter from the local newspaper.
He wants to know how she achieved to have such a long life.
She tells him about her fulfilled life – and about the 3 beers and 2 cigars she has each day.
‘Not to forget a healty and active sex life keeps my circulation going’ she adds.
The reporter ,curious now, asks deferentially ‘So when was the last time you made love, dear?’
‘Well, let me think…Hmm, made love – the last time I did that was around 1945’.
‘Whoah’, the reporter says, ‘but that’s a helluva long time ago’.
‘You think so ?’ the woman replies and checks her watch. ‘But it’s only 20:15 now.
:D:D:D:D:p
Flood.
By: EN830 - 21st October 2003 at 21:53
You could start an international incident after telling a joke like that, if Hand 87_5 gets hold of you.:D
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October 21, 2003 at 9:31 pm