Humor!

A man is about to get married to a gorgeous girl and a few days before the wedding he pops round to see her. Unfortunately she is out but her younger, even more gorgeous sister is there.

She is wearing a very short skirt and bikini top and starts flirtiing with the bloke. She eventually confesses to having a massive crush on him and would like him to make love to her.

Girl goes upstairs to bedroom, man opens door and walks to his car. He is surprised to find his future father in law there who says “well done for passing the temptation test – if you can refuse my other daughter then I know you will be faithful”

The moral of the story is :

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Always keep your condoms in your car 😀

A geezer sees a sign in front of a house in Luton: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden.
The bloke goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.
“Sure do.” the dog replies.
“So, what’s your story?”
The dog looks up and says, “Well, I discovered my gift of talking
pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.”
“The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.”
“I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded loads of medals. Had a wife, a few puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The geezer is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, “Ten quid.”
The bloke says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Cause he’s a F *** g liar. He’s never done any of that stuff”

And another old favourite…..

A little bit of advice for you all; Never buy a dwarf with learning dificulties.

It’s not big, and it’s not clever.

One that’s done the rounds here at work today:

Paddy goes to a pub quiz, and the question comes up “Name a bird that can’t fly”

So Paddy stands up, and shouts “I know! That bird out of Holby City!”

Okay, this one gets me all the time…thankful I’m posting it rather than saying it cos I can never complete it without bursting out laughing!

Two men sitting in a bar after going to the funeral of a mates father. Recalling what was said about the deceased at the ceremony the first man says ‘When my dad dies and I’m making a speech, I think I’d like to look at him and say “He was a good man”.
The second says ‘When my dad dies and I’m making a speech I think I’d like to look at him and say “I THINK I SAW HIM MOVE!!!”

😀 😀 😀 😀

I crack myself up!!!

Or how about this one:

A deep sea diver is recording entries of fish species on a waterproof note slide when he see’s something odd at the corner of his eye. It’s a man…totally naked with no breathing device slowly diving deeper and deeper. Amazed by this the diver swims over, wipes his slide clean and writes “How can u breath down here with no SCUBA gear?”
To which the man replies “I’M DROWNING YOU IDIOT!”

(No plans to give up my day job just yet).

That’s a good one 🙂

Hey, I’ll have a go….but don’t say I didn’t warn u okay….

A passenger gets on board a flight from the UK to the Carribbean for his summer break. Looking beside him he notices the passenger seated next to him is a parrot, who smiles polietly.
Two hours into the flight the Captain announces the air stewardess’s are about to take orders for refreshments. When his turn comes the man orders a meal and a coffee. The bird, being a parrot repeats the order and the lady disappears.
Ten minutes pass…no meal or drink.
Twenty minutes pass…no meal or drink.
Thirty minutes pass and the bird shouts “Hey b**** where’s my food and drink???”
One minute later the bird gets his order but the man sits without. So the man shouts “Hey b**** where’s my food and drink???”
Frustrated the woman enters the cockpit and returns with a hulking co-pilot who throws both bird and man out the passenger door.
As he plummets to earth the bird flies up to the man and says “Wow, that was a silly thing to say considering u can’t fly!!!”

No sorry won’t be crossing your country again this year, well only by a/c and train, not by bike, perhaps next year ;-).

regards,

JW

Speaking about humor ….. any bike ride this year Dutchy ? 🙂