The Octopus
A man walks into a bar wiht his Octopus. He sitsthe octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus, and that he can play any musical instrument in the world!
Everyone in the bar laughs at the man and generally reckons he’s an idiot. At that the guy annouces that he will bet $50 with nyone that the octopus can play any instrument that they care to provide.
Immediately a challenger walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus who picks it up and starts playing better that Jimi Hendrix, In amazement the guitar man pays up his $50.
Another man walks up with a Trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. This guy also pays up his $50.
At this point a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with the instrument for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.
Ha! the scot says, “can ye nae plae it?”
The octopus says, “play it? I’m going to screw it as soon as I figure how to get its Pyjamas off”
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Cobblestones
Two Dutch girls are riding their rickety bikes down the back streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it gets closer to dusk and the oldstreets start getting darker, the two girls start riding faster, looking more and more flustered and out of breath, when one girl turns to the other and says “I’ve never come this way before.” The other girl says “Its the cobblestones!”
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The English and the Irish
This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a British Naval ship and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 95. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95:
IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south, to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: This is the captain of a British Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
IRISH: Negative. I say again you will have to divert your course.
BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITANNIA. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGIAN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!
IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call!
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Hope you enjoyed them! 😛
By: Arabella-Cox - 3rd February 2003 at 04:32
RE: A couple of jokes.
[updated:LAST EDITED ON 03-02-03 AT 04:34Â AM (GMT)]This one is a little sexist…
On a flight over the Atlantic thousands of kms from any land a 747 develops engine trouble and all four engines fail at once and can’t be restarted.
The captain, knowing there is no chance of recovery or of reaching any land let alone a place to land calmly states over the intercom that the passengers had only a few minutes before they hit the water and that if anyone wanted to smoke or write a will or phone a family member or friend using a cell phone they could do that now.
All of a sudden the stewardess bursts into the cockpit and says “I am too young to go”. “I am only 20 years old and have never experienced a man before”. “Captain… in the last few moments we have left… make me feel like a woman!”.
The captain leaps from his seat and rips off his shirt and says…
“OK… here Iron this.”
By: A330Crazy - 2nd February 2003 at 23:16
RE: A couple of jokes.
Good one Flanker, very funny. 😛
By: Flanker112 - 2nd February 2003 at 15:17
RE: A couple of jokes.
I’m going to regret posting this, any women out there this is not “sexist” okay…
A man returns from work and to relax he turns on a local radio station to listen to some tunes. Two minutes in the music is interupted by the D.J. who says “Sorry to interupt folks but news just in, an unknown person is causing chaos on the M6 by driving down the wrong lane…” Hearing this and knowing that his wife drives along the M6 on her way from work the man calls her and says “Listen sweetheart, don’t want to worry you but I just heard a news report of someone driving down the wrong lane on your motorway.” To which his wife replys “IT ISN’T JUST ONE…THERE’S BLOODY HUNDREDS OF THEM!!!”
By: Arabella-Cox - 2nd February 2003 at 14:03
RE: A couple of jokes.
An inflatable boy goes to his inflatable school and is having a really
bad day. Bored in his history lesson, he gets up and walks out. Walking
down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him
and he pulls a knife out and stabs him. He runs out of the school. As he
gets outside, he thinks again “I hate school” and pulls his knife out
and stabs the inflatable school. He runs off to his inflatable home. Two
hours later, his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom
door with the inflatable police. Panicking, inflatable boy pulls out the
knife and stabs himself. Later on that evening, he wakes up in an
inflatable hospital and sees the inflatable headmaster in the inflatable
bed next to him. Shaking his deflated head, more in sorrow than in
anger, the headmaster gravely intones: “You’ve let me down; you’ve let
the school down, but worst of all, you’ve let yourself down”.
By: Rabie - 27th January 2003 at 11:07
RE: A couple of jokes.
>———————————————————————
>
>The English and the Irish
>
>This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a
>British Naval ship and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry,
>Oct 95. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval
>Operations 10-10-95:
>
>IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the
>South, to avoid a collision.
>BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the
>North, to avoid a collision.
>IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course
>15 degrees to the south, to avoid a collision.
>BRITISH: This is the captain of a British Navy ship.
>I say again, divert YOUR course.
>IRISH: Negative. I say again you will have to divert
>your course.
>BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITANNIA.
>THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE
>ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND
>NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR
>COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGIAN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES
>NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE
>SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!
>IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call!
>———————————————————————
LOL LOL LOL
BUT !!! (i really hat spoling jokes) – in 1995 the was no aircraft carrier “hms britannia” – IIRC britiania was the royal yacht
i too herd it when its a a US CVBG vs a canadian lighthouse
rabie :9
By: munnst - 25th January 2003 at 09:40
RE: A couple of jokes.
A duck walks into a bar, walks up to the barman and says;
“Do you sell grapes?”
The barman looking a little confused says, “No sorry we don’t sell grapes”. The duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks into the bar again, walks up to the barman and says;
“Do you sell grapes?”
The barman looking puzzled and a little anoyed says, “No sorry, we dont sell grapes, this is a bar, we sell drinks”
The duck says “Ohh” and leaves.
The next day the duck walks into the same bar again but before he can ask the barman if he sells grapes the barman grabs the duck by the neck and says;
“Look, we don’t sell any bloody grapes and if you come in here again and ask for grapes i’m gonna nail your beak to the bar!!!”
The ducks leaves.
The next day the duck walks into the same bar and before the barman can get aggresive says;
“Do you sell nails?”
The barman says, “No, why?”
The duck says, “Got any grapes!”
By: Snapper - 22nd January 2003 at 22:06
RE: A couple of jokes.
Yep. The Enterprise. I heard it in 1990. Amazing coincidence.
By: Dazza - 22nd January 2003 at 21:48
RE: A couple of jokes.
Heard the Lighthouse one before except the ship was US Navy and the Lighthouse was Canadian, still funny though.
Regards, Dazza.
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January 22, 2003 at 9:07 pm