Why Americans should never be allowed to travel
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that his or her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. “Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her response … click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”
I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said “But they look so close on the map.”
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After putting her on hold for a minute while I “looked into it” (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.”
“A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”
A woman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York” The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere.” The customer retorted, “Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” “That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!”
By: djcross - 16th May 2002 at 22:17
RE: A true American if…
You are a true American if…
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You’ve ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
Your dog goes “oink!”
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
You know how to milk a goat.
Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.
Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
You’ve ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.
Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
You have a refrigerator just for beer.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
You’ve ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
You don’t think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
The most common phrase heard in your house is, “Somebody go jiggle the handle.”
By: mongu - 16th May 2002 at 19:37
RE: More
My turn! My turn!
Dumb US court decisions:
1. January 2000. Kathleen Robertson of Austin was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a department store. The owners of the store were understandable surprised at the verdict, considering the little sod as actually Mrs. Robertson’s son!
2. June 1998. Carl Truman of LA won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbour’s hubcaps.
3. October 1998. Terrence Dickinson on Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garafe locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickinson found himself locked in the garage for 8 days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner’s insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed and he won half a million dollars.
4. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
5. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City bought s brand new 32 foor Winnebago motor home. On his first trip, having joined the freeway, he set the cruise control to 70mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the Winnebago left the road, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn’t actually do this. He was awared $1.75m plus a new Winnebago.
By: Geforce - 16th May 2002 at 18:15
More
A Dutch joke about Belgians:
Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in Belgium?
A: God couldn’t find three wise men in Belgium.
(source: a colleague’s friend in Holland)
A pair of Missouri jokes about Arkansas:
Q: What’s considered foreplay in Arkansas?
A: When the man says, “Brace yourself, Linda Lou.”
(source: Johnny Carson’s list of state jokes collected by his staff and aired about 6 years ago)
Q: How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry?
A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she’s old enough. If it isn’t, cut the barrel down a bit.
(source: ???? I was raised in Missouri–I heard this one about 10 years ago)
A standard one:
Q: Why did God make North Dakota?
A: To protect Canada from South Dakota!
——————————-
By: Geforce - 16th May 2002 at 18:03
The Englishman, Frenchman, Texan, And Mexican.
The Englishman, Frenchman, Texan, And Mexican.
January 5, 2000
An airplane was flying across the Atlantic ocean with four passengers aboard. There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a Texan, and a Mexican.
Towards the end of the trip, the plane flew into stormy weather, and lightning struck the wing. The pilot wrenched the plane back under control, but they were losing altitude fast. Even after dumping all the luggage and nonessentials out the door, the plane still couldn’t possibly make it to land.
The pilot called back to his passengers, saying, “The situation’s pretty grim, gentlemen. One of you will have to bail out. Take one of the parachutes and a life vest, and we’ll send someone to pick you up once we land.”
The Englishman decided to bail out. Strapping on a parachute, he threw the door open, and shouted “GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!” and leapt from the plane.
The plane did better after that, but was still too heavy. The pilot called back and said, “I’m afraid someone else will have to jump.”
The Frenchman decided to jump next. He strapped on a parachute, threw the door open, and shouted “VIVA LA FRANCE!” as he flew into the ocean below.
A bit later, land came into sight, but the plane was losing altitude too fast to make it. The pilot called back, saying “If just one more of you bails out, we will be safe.”
So the Texan strapped on a parachute, and striding bravely towards the open door of the plane, shouted “REMEMBER THE ALAMO!” – and shoved the Mexican out.
By: Geforce - 16th May 2002 at 18:01
Iraqi Tv
Iraqi Television Schedule
January 21, 2000
MONDAYS:
8:00 Husseinfeld
8:30 Mad About Everything
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
9:30 The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show
10:00 Allah McBeal
TUESDAYS:
8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30 The Price is Right If Saddam Says It’s Right
9:00 Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things
9:30 Iraq’s Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 U.S. Military Secrets Revealed
8:30 When Kurds Attack
9:00 Two Guys, a Girl, and a Fatwah
9:30 Just Shoot Me
10:00 Veilwatch
THURSDAYS:
8:00 Matima Loves Chachi
8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 Veronica’s Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
9:30 My Two Baghdads
10:00 Diagnosis: Heresy
FRIDAYS:
8:00 Everybody Loves Saddam Or He’ll Have Them Shot
8:30 Only Our Will and Grace From God Can Keep Us From Touching Each Other
9:00 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things
9:30 Achmed’s Creek
10:00 Matlock
By: Geforce - 16th May 2002 at 17:59
Pierre (bad joke)
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says: “Pierre, kiss me!”
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips.
“What are you doing, Pierre?”, says the startled Marie.
“I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!”
She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.”
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
“Pierre! What are you doing?”, asks the bewildered Marie
. “I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!”
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, “Pierre, kiss me lower!”
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, “PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?”
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, “I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!”
By: Geforce - 16th May 2002 at 17:57
RE: More US stuff
The US State Mottos
January 5, 2000
1)Alabama: At Least We’re not Mississippi
2)Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t be Wrong!
3)Arizona: Dehyd-rific!
4)Arkansas: Litterasy Ain’t Everthing
5)California: Se Habla Ingles
6)Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother
7)Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
8)Florida: The Gunshine State
9)Georgia: We Put the “Fun” in Fundamentalist Extremism
10)Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
11)Idaho: Famous Potatoes … and Neo-Nazis
12)Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
13)Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
14)Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
15)Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
16)Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names
17)Louisiana: We’re Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign
18)Maine: For Sale
19)Maryland: A Thinking Man’s Delaware
20)Massachusetts: The Sue Me State
21)Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
22)Minnesota: Land of 7,000 lakes and 3,000 man-made ponds
23)Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
24)Missouri: You’re Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
25)Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else
26)Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
27)Nevada: Whores and Poker!
28)New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
29)New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
30)New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
31)New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
32)North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
33)North Dakota: Um… We’ve got… Um… Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!
34)Ohio: Don’t Judge Us by Cleveland
35)Oklahoma: Like the Play Only No Singing
36)Oregon: Spotted Owl, It’s What’s For Dinner
37)Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
38)Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island
39)South Carolina: Incest is Best
40)South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
41)Tennessee: The Educashun State
42)Texas: Don’t Mess with Texas — We’re Armed
43)Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
44)Vermont: Yep
45)Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?
46)Washington: Keep Washington Green, Grow Hemp
47)Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
48)West Virginia: One Big Happy Family — Really!
49)Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
50)Wyoming: Wynot?
By: keltic - 15th May 2002 at 22:16
RE: More Canadian stuff
Just one event happened to me in one of my trip to the US, on an Armtrak train. I started a conversation with an American on the buffet car.
-“Where are you from?”
-“Spanish”
-Oh wow…..so Did you come by train…..I suppose train conections are good from Spain…..
-I didn´t dare to guess his location of my country on a map.
By: djcross - 15th May 2002 at 21:54
RE: More Canadian stuff
My neighbor is from Alberta, this is another of his…
On the sixth day G-d turned to the Gabriel and said:
“Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of
outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full
of mountain goats, and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with
bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon.”
G-d continued, “I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the
inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they
shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.”
“But Lord,” asked Gabriel “don’t you think you are being too generous to
these Canadians?”
“Not really,” replied G-d “just wait and see the neighbors I am going to
give them.”
By: djcross - 15th May 2002 at 21:33
RE: Why Americans should never be allowed to trave
Have you ever been confronted with “Canadians are just like
Americans. What’s the difference?” Here are *some* answers. (This is
not a put-down of Americans, Brits, or Canadians; just a series of
observations.)
Canadians:
Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when
abroad.
Americans:
Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits:
Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Americans:
Care very deeply about civil rights & preserving them; to
extreme degrees in some cases.
Canadians:
Couldn’t care less about these things, especially when “I have
nothing to hide.” More concerned about an *orderly* society
than a free one.
Americans:
Believe that people should look out for & take care of
themselves.
Canadians:
Believe that that’s the government’s job.
Americans:
Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to
the point of blindness.
Canadians:
Can’t agree on the words to their anthem — *when* they can be
bothered to sing them, that is.
Americans:
Are deeply religious, or make a strong point of posturing as
such.
Canadians:
Are somewhat less religious, and keep it to themselves.
Canadians:
Do their best to be polite to others.
Americans:
Rudeness is more efficient.
Americans:
Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians:
Don’t, but only because they can’t get more American channels.
Americans:
Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
Brits:
Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other
fans.
Canadians:
Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them.
Americans:
Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and
basketball.
Brits:
Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians:
Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey,
and how they beat the Americans once, playing baseball.
Americans:
Are loud, boisterous, obnoxious as tourists.
Canadians:
Are polite, low-profile, sensitive (perhaps even timid) tourists.
Americans:
Spell words differently, but still call it “English.”
Brits:
Pronounce their words differently, but still call it “English.”
Canadians:
Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Americans:
Are afraid to walk the street of their large cities at night.
Canadians:
Are unafraid to walk the streets of their cities.
Brits:
Sensibly stay home at night instead of going out.
Americans:
Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in
a backward country.
Canadians:
Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in
a backward country.
Americans:
Tend to think that guns are very cool, and fun too.
Canadians:
Aren’t quite sure how they work. Safer and easier to make them
illegal.
Americans:
Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians:
Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits:
Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are
inherited.
Americans:
Are awed by wealth and success.
Canadians:
Are awed by correctness and mediocrity.
Canadians:
Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways, and avoid
assimilation.
Americans:
Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly, and dump their old
ways.
Brits:
Encourage immigrants to go to Canada or America.
Americans:
Are disliked everywhere in the world, with the exception of
Canada.
Canadians:
Are tolerated everywhere in the world; frequently even liked —
with the exception of America, Somalia, and other places where
the Airborne have been.
Canadians:
Endure bitterly cold winters, and are proud of it.
Brits:
Endure oppressively wet & dreary winters, and are proud of it.
Americans:
Don’t have to do either, and couldn’t care less.
Canadians:
Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin
Short, Lorne Michaels (SNL producer), Jim Carrey, Michael J. Fox,
Michael O’Donohue (SNL writer), Dan Akroyd, and all the rest
at SCTV.
Americans:
Think that these people are American!
Brits:
Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them
because they don’t understand subtle humour.
Brits:
Are obsessed with the Queen, and royal family peccadillos.
Americans:
Are obsessed with the President, his family, and even their cat!
Canadians:
Would gladly settle for Prince Charles having an affair with a
Canadian girl.
Americans:
Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their citizens.
Canadians:
Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were
actually Canadian.
By: Arabella-Cox - 15th May 2002 at 06:55
RE: Why Americans should never be allowed to trave
It’s not just Americans…
A few years back on the news they had a story about a chinese student that was coming to New Zealand to go to Otago University here in Dunedin. His father had looked at a map of New Zealand and found that his sons plane landed in Christchurch and that the flight from Christchurch to Dunedin was going to cost an extra 4-500 dollars. So because Christchurh and Dunedin looked so close he booked the flight to stop in christchurh and his son could use the 4-500 dollars saved to buy a bicycle to ride from christchurch to dunedin.
What he didn’t realise was that it is over 300km between Christchurch and Dunedin and it took the boy 3 days to get here…
I have heard of a case where an American got on an aircraft in a hurry in the US and it wasn’t till he was half way across the Pacific that he realised something was wrong. He had misheard the flight destination so instead of flying one hour to Oakland he spent about 12 hours to Auckland, New Zealand. And then about 12 hours straight back.
By: Rabie - 14th May 2002 at 22:03
RE: Why Americans should never be allowed to trave
}> 😀 }>
rabie :9
By: GZYL - 14th May 2002 at 21:36
RE: Why Americans should never be allowed to trave
LOL… That’s ace!!!!!
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May 14, 2002 at 8:34 pm