Airline jokes.

Maybe you’ve already heard some of them , but I like it: enjoy!
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All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
“safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here
are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
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On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will
be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants.”
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On landing the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all your belongings.
If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like
to have.”
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“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to
leave the aircraft.”
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“Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us
the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care when opening
the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
everything has shifted.”
******
From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX
to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”
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In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you
have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting
with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your
favorite.
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Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll
try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
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“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments.”
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“Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead
area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children… or other adults acting like children.”
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“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything
left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please
do not leave children or spouses.”
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And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Delta airlines is pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none
of them are on this flight!”
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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a
bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the
airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight
attendant’s fault…it was the asphalt!”
******
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in
your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left
of our airplane to the gate!”
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Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile,
and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that, in light of
his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
“Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What
is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or
were we shot down?”
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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage
to the terminal.”
******
Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge
to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll
think of US Airways.”
******
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight
Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good
and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back
and relax – OH, MY GOD!”
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of
coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!” A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back
of mine!”