Amusing Incidents In The Air

While flying from Las Vegas to SFO on an America West A320 ..the aircraft was packed with a Japanese tour group..i think i was the only westerner on board..anyway to cut a long story short we were only about thirty feet from touch down when the captain slammed the throttles forward and we immediately went into a very steep climb..it was only a routine TOGA but every Japanese person..and we’re talking about 150 people..went into the crash position with their heads between their legs and hands behind their ears..i nearly wet myself laughing

An RAF Tristar pilot was cautioned after announcing upon return to Brize Norton from the Falklands (95% Male service personnel, 5% Female on 4 to 6 month tours) ‘Welcome Home to RAF Brize Norton, the time is (yadda-yadda) and a special message to all the ladies on board, what it like to be ugly again’.

Steve

Most of you have probably already read the list of ATC jokes, but here’s a page that includes them and other amusing anecdotes:
http://www.businessballs.com/airtrafficcontrollersfunnyquotes.htm

One of my favourites:

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked.” Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. “Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach.”

EU’s dad here

About 15 years ago I was booked from Milan to Birmingham on the BA service that took over from Birmingham European Airways. Due to a problem on the Milan – Manchester flight and light loadings it was decided to combine the two flights. LIN – BHX -MAN. So when we boarded at Linate it was already partially filled.

So the PA anouncement went

“Ladies and Gentlemen as you may have noticed there may be someone sitting in your allocated seat. Why not use this opportunity to spark a new friendship by asking to sit in their lap. If all else fails take the first available seat.”

The came the safety briefing.

“As you all know there are 50 ways to leave your lover but on this plane there are only 5 emergency exits.” and so on.

I can’t remember all of it but it was such a change from the stuffy cabin announcements that were usual years ago.

EU whilst still safe in his mothers womb shared the worst flight experience she ever had. Milan – Pescara in an ATI MD-80, we were shaken beyond fear during the descent in terrible weather
My wife said if that doen’t put the baby off flying then nothing will, and here we are 15 years later and we can’t keep him away from the things.

Talking of chuck bags we were coming back to Turin from STN with Ryanair and during the descent there was severe turbulence. Of course Mr O’L cuts expenses down and there were no Ryanair bags to fill for those of a weaker disposition. The only available alternative were the film processing bags.

We passed around what plastic bags we had to those hardy Italians but once these ran out it was on to the envelopes. These are not designed to hold anything moist so disintegrated.

I can honestly say that the plane was not a pretty sight when we left. Due to the short turn around I often wondered how they coped and the experience of the next set of PAX

Not fun in the air as such, just a joke from a captain while taxying to stand:

We had just arrived on at Newcastle on an XL Airways (Sigh… RIP) flight from Kos. We were quite early, 45 minutes early infact.
As we taxied around the airport, the Captain came on and gave the most amusing speech I’ve heard firsthand onboard an aircraft:

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen. As you can see, we’ve arrived in Newcastle and we’re a good bit ahead of schedule. This seems to have annoyed the boys in dispatch who have decided we should go to the far end of the airport as a punishment. I’d like you all to remain seated and keep those seatbelts fastened. There is still plenty opportunity for me to prang this thing yet. Thank you for fly XL Airways.”

Thankfully, it was a sensible load of passenger onboard, most of them in my earshot gave a chuckle.

1st hand accounts are always the best, as they’re invariably true. Ive never experienced any ‘fun’ in the air (of any kind) but Ive read of a few. One that I remember concerns a fishing boat crew somewhere in SE Asia that were picked up from their wrecked boat. They claimed a cow had fallen from the sky!!
It later transpired that a cargo A/C crew had decided to kidnap a cow and fly it home to sell, or whatever. The cow became loose in the hold, so the pilots opened the ramp and put the plane into a climb!! Bye Bye Cow.
True?? Who knows. Amusing though.

Amusing?
Well I thought so a while after the event.

Approaching Houston Hobby airport, the pilot gave me control and told me to land while he was checking the airport manual and talking to ground control.
Short finals, so I asked him if he was sure this was the correct runway, his reply was a terse affirmative.

So I asked him if the four engined plane about to take off, that we were about to land on top of should be there.:confused:
He wrenched control from my grasp, without the text book comment and went round again to look for a more suitable runway, probably the one with the number on that he’d been given by the tower.:D

That is only one of the many dangerous incidents that he involved us in during a 3 week jaunt from coast to coast and back of the USA .

I have no Amusing Incidents In The Air, but some pre-flight and post-flight stories which I think are amusing.

One day when we had stormy weather at the airport where I worked, a Short 330 landed wiggling and struggling in a heavy crosswind. The pilot braked hard and when the aircraft came to a stop he immediately turned the nose into the wind -right on the runway! He was scared that his plane would be blown over and requested the pax were taken off the plane and transported to the terminal before he would attempt to taxi to the ramp. When this was done we loaded the plane with sandbags so it could taxi to the ramp.
At another occasion when we experienced a storm, another square beauty, a GAF Nomad, was parked on the ramp. It was bouncing a bit around and our supervisor told one of my collegues (my brother, in fact) to put some extra chocks at the main landing gear. So he went out and executed the order given to him. When he turned his back and walked away, the wind picked up the left wing and blew it over. It was leaning on the right wing now. When my brother came back into the office he had a big grin on his face and said “chocks are in place, boss!”.

A couple of years ago, when I was a Ramp Supervisor, one day an Antonov-12 came in and we had to load it. A few weeks earlier a new bunch of ramp-rats had joined the handling company I worked for. One of them pointed at the old Antonov and said -with a very sure voice- “you know, that’s actually an old Russian bomber. They just welded the bomb doors shut and started flying cargo with it. If you crawl on your knees under it you can see the bomb bay doors”. Well, what can you say to someone who is SO sure of his own wisdom?

I once opened the hold of a 737 and stood face to face with a bewildered German Shepherd. The dog had done quite some damage to the bags. I found the owner and gave her special permission to enter the hold to calm the dog and solve the situation. She calmed her doggy and walked it into the arrivals hall.
On another occasion a couple of Icelandic ponies escaped from their cages, went for the airport restaurant and one of them stampeded into the kitchen. The entrance was airside because we took delivery there for airline catering. Was hilarious. Another funny one: once we just had offloaded a couple of ostriches, and a two of them escaped. Our teamleader grabbed one of them by the neck and jumped on its back. And off the ostrich went, with our teamleader bobbing up and down on its back. None of us, the team, tried to stop the ostrich. We couldn’t, because we were rolling on the ground with laughter. And we liked the sight of it , to be honest.

Some cargo A/C had a couple of seats installed just behind the cockpit. On most cargo flights I handled, these seats were occupied by couriers, family members of the crew, people who had to travel along with the cargo to accompany (like race horses, a load of gold, or banknotes!). Sometimes, when you put some effort in making friends with the crew and they got to know your face, you could try to hitch a ride; sometimes that can be allowed at the captain’s discretion. I’ve seen that happen. One time a not-so-popular person (he was well known at the airport where I worked) wrote a letter to the managemant of a cargo airline to ask for a free flight. He got a letter back that granted him the free flight. When the aircraft (a 707) was loaded and ready for departure he walked up the stairs and told the captain “look, Ive got written permission from your management to fly with you. Where can I sit?” The captain was obviously flabbergasted by this approach, and took the letter from the guy. Then he did tear it to pieces and told the guy “well, it seems you don’t have a letter from my management anymore…” Captain’s discretion works both ways!

While working on the ramp one of my duties was aircraft cleaning. I’ve seen my part of what a mess people can create -intentionally as wel as unintentionally- during flight, but one evening was a memorable occasion.
That late autumn evening I had the pleasure of having to clean a Fokker 50 from Maersk Air that had flown through VERY hefty turbulence. The passengers came off very shaken , with looks of utter disbelief on their faces. One of them was separately taken away by an airport authority vehicle because a fellow passenger had vomited so fiercely and so much on his suit that he had to undress in the lavatory and left the plane only with some blankets to cover himself. We delivered his suit in a plastic bag afterwards.
When my team entered the plane to clean it, we couldn’t believe our eyes. The flightdeck crew were all nervous and frantically thumbing through the manuals to find out which parts of the airplane had to be checked for structural damage. The cabin attendants were sitting in the rear and one of them was crying, the other one covering his eyes with his hands and shaking his head.
The interior looked as if the a/c had flown upside down. All barf bags were used to the limit and we found them everywhere (full, that is), but there were obviously not enough of them; vomit was everywhere, dripping (yes, dripping) even from the ceiling, the walls, and the windows. All books and leaflets were strewn over the floor and chairs. All chairs were covered with the remains of the meal that had just been served and partially consumed, as was the floor. And the smell…. unbelievable. We had these little spray cans with “nice artificial pinewood smells” and we sprayed three of them completely empty, but it didn’t help that much.
So, we started to clean the mess. Cleaning in this case meant that we threw everything that wasn’t bolted to the airframe in garbage bags, as it was drenched in goo.
Meanwhile, the cockpit crew had contacted their company by telephone for advice. When they returned we were told to stop cleaning. They would ferry the a/c to homebase, it would go straight into maintenance to undergo a check and receive a completely new interior…… So we provided the crew with plenty of spray cans for their 2 hour flight home and off they went, still very nervous. I understood one of the cabin attendants resigned the same evening she returned back home, and never flew again.

Apart from various passenger aircraft I once was offered a flight on an AN-12, loaded with cattle. Quite an experience! Before T/O the captain invited me into the cockpit. All seats were occupied of course, but I was told to stand behind the captains seat and hold tight onto the frame of said seat. As the weather and forecast was calm, I decided to take the challenge. I stood there for the entire flight, some 50 minutes or so. I had a great view as the flight kept a low altitude; the cargo hold is not pressurized, only the cockpit and the crew quarters fwd of the cargo hold are pressurized. Was my most memorable flight ever.

Tillerman.

During a long, long taxi resulting in many, many parking brake applications and releases a pilot (who will remain nameless…<—) set the parking brake for the nth time unfortunately before the aircraft was completely stopped. Even though the aircraft was moving at the smallest of crawls it still resulted in a bit of a jolt. The flight attendant was called to make sure she hadn’t been put on her butt and lucky for her she had been in her seat. A passenger who wasn’t adhering to the seat belt sign wasn’t as lucky as he had decided only a moment before to head for the lav. Not a second after he locked the door the aircraft jolted to a stop most likely bouncing him off the closets walls. He then promptly returned to his seat without saying a word or making much eye contact. As much as one would like to believe that he lesson about seat belt safety was planned it was just a lucky (or unlucky) chance.

OK….and since I have nothing better to do while my lunch is cooking!

A friend used to be a F/E on 707’s and one day he crewed a flight which conveyed the Duke of Edinburgh to some distant parts. His job, on landing, was to shove the Royal Standard up a flag pole out of a hatch in the cockpit roof. Just as the Duke, unseen by my friend, poked his head into the cockpit to thank the flight crew my friend remembered the Standard. “Christ, skipper, I forgot the *********g flag!” Seeing the faces of the pilot and co-pilot looking something aghast over his shoulder he turned to the flight deck door to see a smiling D of E. “More commonly known as the Royal Standard, I believe” said HRH. Priceless!

It seems that nobody else in the world has had an amusing incident. Has humour died?

Bri :confused: