ASTOUNDING LOL JOKES…..NO JOKE! ! !

Telephone answering machine message
“…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…”

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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find
any.

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong
currant.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
“Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.

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I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak
and heat it.

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

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Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”

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“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. “
“Is it common? “
“It’s not unusual.”

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
“My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? “
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him”
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed? “
“No, because he’s really heavy”

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Guy goes into the doctor’s.
“Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
“How’s that?”
“Don’t you start.”

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Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!

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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think
it’s Colin.

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me
a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for
it.’

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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, “Your round.”
The other one says, “So are you, you fat bast**d!”

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Two prostitutes standing on a street corner.
One says to the other, “Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
The other replies, “No, but I’ve been swung around by the boobs!”

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,the
other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

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“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’
So that was nice.”

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A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several
places”
The doctor said, “Well don’t go there any more”

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Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to
climb as digging continues into the night.

A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells PIG!! The man immediately leans out his window and yells, BITCH!!

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.

………..If only men would listen.
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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. “Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?” “There is three colours”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”
“What colour are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course”, says the man proudly. The wife responds really, “Why don’t you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!”.
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There once was a man who was so proud of the fact that he had six kids that he insisted on calling his wife “Mother of Six.” His wife hated his name and asked him repeatedly not to call her that. But he was a stubborn man and was very proud that he had six kids.

One evening they were at a dinner party given by his company, and it was getting close to the time that they should be leaving. The husband yelled to his wife from across the room, “Mother of Six, are you ready to go?” Annoyed with his question, she yelled back, “In a minute, Father of Four!”
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A guy in a bar one night got really drunk, really, really drunk. When the bar closed, he got up unsteadily to go home. As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking along. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. The nun was really surprised, but before she could do or say anything, he punched her again, and this time she fell down.
He stumbled over to her and kicked her, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and could barely move. So he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and Whispered…….

“Not so tough tonight are you, Batman?”
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A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve it for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won’t eat if they know what it is – so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, “what’s for supper?”. “You’ll see”, says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they are eating.
“Ok” says her dad, “here’s a hint, it’s what your mother sometimes calls me.”

“we’re eating asshole!!”, she screams.