Retirement Policy?
To: ALL EMPLOYEES of B.A.
Re: REVISED RETIREMENT POLICY
B.A. (Beancounter Airlines) announces the following important changes to its retirement policy for aircrew employees:-
As a result of the reduction in money budgeted for departmental purposes, we are going to out down on our number of Personnel.
Under the plan, older employees will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be put into effect immediately. The program will to known as RAPE. (Retire Aged Persons Early)
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to work other jobs within the system. Provided that they are being RAPED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of operation is called SCREW. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers)
All employees who have been RAPED and SCREWED may also apply for a trial service. This will be called SHAFT. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Progress policy dictates employees may be RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but may get the SHAFT as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee fills the above requirements, he will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings of Retired Persons Employment Service) and AIDS (Assured incentive Disbursement for Service). HERPES/AIDS is considered a bonus plan as the employee can no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.
SIGN-UP FOR ADDITIONAL TRAINING
It is now, and always has been, the policy of the Company to ensure that employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training ( ****). We have given our employees more **** than any other Company in this area. If any employee feels he/she does not receive **** on the job, see your immediate Supervisor immediately. Our management are especially trained to assure you that you will get all the **** you can stand.
Fred goes for a job with the CAA.
CAA man:- Thank you for coming to the interview Fred, now I just got a few questions I’d like to ask you. Have You ever been in any of the armed forces?
Fred:- Yes, I was in the RAF.
CAA man:- Oh good, you see we like ex-forces types in the CAA. Now did you ever see any action whilst in the RAF?
Fred:- Oh yes, I was a Falklands pilot.
CAA man:- Oh very good, you see we like chaps that know how to handle themselves when the pressures on. Now Fred, were you wounded at all?
Fred:- Oh yes, I was wounded!
CAA man:- OK Fred, well I can tell you now that you sound just the chap for a job with the CAA, let me tell you more about it. You start at 9:45 then work through till 10:30 when you get a half an hour tea break. You then work quite a long stint from 11:00 through until 12:30 when we stop for a 2 hour lunch break in our excellent subsidised restaurant. We restart at 14:30 and work until 15:00 when we have another well earned half an hour tea break. We then press on from 15:30 until 16:00 during which we clear our desks ready for work the next day. And finally, on Fridays we only work a half day, and all go home at 12:30.
Now Fred do you think you could fit in with a tough and demanding schedule like this?
Fred:- Oh yes, I’m sure I could fit in.
CAA man:- OK then Fred we’ll see you at 9:45 next Monday.
——————————————————————————–
Fred gets up and begins to leave the room whence the interviewer notices that Fred seems to be a fully able person (i.e. no war wounds).
——————————————————————————–
CAA man:- Excuse me Fred but you did say that you had been wounded but it seems to me that you’re actually very able bodied. Could I inquire as to the nature of your wound?
Fred:- Well it’s a bit embarrassing really. You see I was on a bombing run at FL370 when some bugger on the ground got lucky with a rifle and shot my balls off!
CAA man:- OK then Fred, in that case you can start work at 10:30.
Fred:- Oh no, I don’t want any special treatment because I’ve been injured.
CAA man:- Oh no Fred, I’m afraid that you don’t understand. All we do in the CAA between 9:45 and 10:30 is stand around and scratch our balls!
Oh im funny
Regards
R.weaver
Safe legal flying
By: ageorge - 15th March 2004 at 20:00
When did the MM flaming start over here ?? , best thread ever !! 😀
By: Arabella-Cox - 15th March 2004 at 17:21
Auster Fan, I reckon you need to rock up to one of the Historic forum get togethers then.
When’s the next one Kev? 😀
By: Auster Fan - 15th March 2004 at 13:57
Originally posted by Janie
Auntie Janie replies
OK everybody, lets have a group hug!As for the offer of lunch. I’ll throw that one out to forum. Should I accept? Should I decline? I’d like to ask the audience.
Mmmmm!! Tough one that! Where would he take you, given that he’s not old enough to legally drink alcohol – MacDonalds?! That might blow Moggy’s fine idea with the wine! Maybe you should bring the Victim Support Group together for lunch and a group hug so that we can discuss tactics, therapy, alcohol, therapy, alcohol, tactics, alcohol…. Oh, sod the tactics and therapy, let’s concentrate on the alcohol! Looking forward to the day when I can meet the other honorary members of the group so that I can shake them warmly by the hand for their eloquent and often superbly constructed words of wisdom!;)
By: Arabella-Cox - 15th March 2004 at 13:57
Originally posted by Moggy C
Take a concealed camera and mike too 😀
Doesn’t mike get to voice his own opinion? 😉
By: Arabella-Cox - 15th March 2004 at 13:55
Originally posted by Janie
Auntie Janie replies(tips hat to Steve Young who produced some very wise words).
Ah, erm, yeah. Sorry about that; it was most out of character. But don’t worry, my normal levels of idiocy will soon return. 😀
By: Moggy C - 15th March 2004 at 13:53
Originally posted by Janie
Auntie Janie replies
As for the offer of lunch. I’ll throw that one out to forum. Should I accept? Should I decline? I’d like to ask the audience.
I think you should accept.
But be careful if he offers you half a bottle of something unpalatable, it’s a ploy. 😉
Take a concealed camera and mike too 😀
Moggy
By: Chipmunk Carol - 15th March 2004 at 13:28
Originally posted by Auster Fan
perhaps we should form our own elite club, for mutual “Victim Support”, with Agony Aunt Janie as our patron!!
Auntie Janie replies
OK everybody, lets have a group hug!
I’ve been away a couple of days. I’ve used up all my tissues just wiping up the tears of laughter. It’s a pity that some of it was really serious and shouldn’t be laughed at (tips hat to Steve Young who produced some very wise words).
There are a few people who deserve apologies. Fortunately, I think they are tough enough to know how to live without them and no longer expect them and are too fed up to ask for them.
Hey, Robert! I’ve got another piece of advice. Just imagine the forum is being read by your mother/father/guardian/the CAA/your flying instructor/the head of BA or T.N.T./the RAF careers officer. It’s all possible. Now go back and read you comments again bearing in mind you are bearing your soul to them. Enjoy the edit facility.
As for the offer of lunch. I’ll throw that one out to forum. Should I accept? Should I decline? I’d like to ask the audience.
By: Arabella-Cox - 15th March 2004 at 12:35
E Ba Gum Trebor.
Yorkshire enthusiasm for mints, or backwards dictator? You be the judge. 😉
By: Auster Fan - 15th March 2004 at 11:36
Originally posted by Moggy C
Vek & Trebor?Sound like a pretty top class magic act to me.
Moggy
And Trebor makes some damn fine mints as well!
By: Moggy C - 15th March 2004 at 10:59
Originally posted by Moggy C
I’m too scared to rejoin this thread.🙁
Moggy
Ooops 😮
I just did. :confused:
By: Moggy C - 15th March 2004 at 10:58
Originally posted by Auster Fan
And of course I got your name and Kev’s back to front!! Apologies!
Vek & Trebor?
Sound like a pretty top class magic act to me.
Moggy
By: Moggy C - 15th March 2004 at 10:57
I’m too scared to rejoin this thread.
🙁
Moggy
By: mike currill - 15th March 2004 at 08:03
Originally posted by R.weaver
Well Mike I was thinkingn the same, but I didnt want too say anything, maybe if we provide the wine she will provide the aircaft. And for our push-back services she will let us come fly with her, or at least thats my plan. SHHH don’t tell her.Thanks for the advice Steve, I have always taken advice in this forum from experianced aviators, even if I had questioned them to find out the exact piece of information I want to know.
But thanks anyway for going to the trouble. My total time is 31.Regards
R.weaver
Safe legal flying
You poor, misguided soul. Women always seem to see through plans like that and work out a devious way of doing the opposite and making you think it was your Idea and they work it all out so fast it makes your head spin
By: Auster Fan - 14th March 2004 at 12:29
Originally posted by Auster Fan
KevAs, at various stages, Moggy, Steve Young, your good self and I have, at various stages been the “victims” of the sagely advice (and abuse on occasions!) flowing forth from young Robert, perhaps we should form our own elite club, for mutual “Victim Support”, with Agony Aunt Janie as our patron!! I bow to the superior knowldge of the more experienced brethren on this forum, but even I, being an earth-bound earthling am stunned on occasions with what is proffered from young Robert! 😉
And of course I got your name and Kev’s back to front!! Apologies!
By: Auster Fan - 14th March 2004 at 12:27
Originally posted by SteveYoung
But then we reach ‘Other Robert’.
Kev
As, at various stages, Moggy, Steve Young, your good self and I have, at various stages been the “victims” of the sagely advice (and abuse on occasions!) flowing forth from young Robert, perhaps we should form our own elite club, for mutual “Victim Support”, with Agony Aunt Janie as our patron!! I bow to the superior knowldge of the more experienced brethren on this forum, but even I, being an earth-bound earthling am stunned on occasions with what is proffered from young Robert! 😉
By: R.weaver - 14th March 2004 at 10:03
Have you been doing your homework old boy, me a rusty old captain no, not me. Then again did you ever check the T.N.T records of pilots names.
Oh and teddys cant fly.
Regards
R.weaver
Safe legal flying (737,um,chew)
By: Deano - 13th March 2004 at 22:19
Originally posted by kev35
Robbo.I’ve just worked it out, it’s a plot! Fiendishly clever too! R. Weaver (Safe Legal Flying) might not be a 16 year old tyro. He could be a crusty old Captain with so many thousands of hours to his credit he drags his log books around in an ASDA trolley. Having flown a Spitfire on the first thousand bomber raid he was a Captain on Boeing 707’s even before the jet engine was invented. There is a rumour that he was Pontious Pilate’s Private Pilot (Alliteration, Robert, check the dictionary)
So, it’s all been a con, he’s been having us on all along.
Just noticaed that an anagram of R. Weaver is we averr. Averr meaning to state firmly – the truth. See?Everything he says must be right.
Regards,
kev35 (NOT really replying to R. Weaver as he has told me I can’t and if I should I am very concerned about collateral damage when he throws his teddies out of the pram.)
By: kev35 - 13th March 2004 at 21:49
Robbo.
I’ve just worked it out, it’s a plot! Fiendishly clever too! R. Weaver (Safe Legal Flying) might not be a 16 year old tyro. He could be a crusty old Captain with so many thousands of hours to his credit he drags his log books around in an ASDA trolley. Having flown a Spitfire on the first thousand bomber raid he was a Captain on Boeing 707’s even before the jet engine was invented. There is a rumour that he was Pontious Pilate’s Private Pilot (Alliteration, Robert, check the dictionary)
So, it’s all been a con, he’s been having us on all along.
Just noticaed that an anagram of R. Weaver is we averr. Averr meaning to state firmly – the truth. See?Everything he says must be right.
Regards,
kev35 (NOT really replying to R. Weaver as he has told me I can’t and if I should I am very concerned about collateral damage when he throws his teddies out of the pram.)
By: kev35 - 13th March 2004 at 16:09
Oh, Robert, please let me reply to your posts, you are so funny.
By the way, there are three L’s in Walsall and two T’s in pratt. Always happy to help with your education. You do realise Steve called you an ‘obnoxious little sh1te’ don’t you? And you thanked him. You must be really pleased that I called you an *rsehole.
Regards,
kev35
By: R.weaver - 13th March 2004 at 15:41
yes I was touching a nerve, never mind, you must be a new face, not hearing from you before. Well welcome anyway even if you have been here just without me knowing.
I would like to close this subject, it’s getting a little dull.
Regards
R.weaver
Safe legal flying
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March 5, 2004 at 6:52 pm