Best Aviation Jokes

:diablo::diablo::diablo:

Michael O’leary walks into a bar and asks for a pint of beer. “that ‘ill be 20p please” says the barman. ‘Blimey’ say’s O’leary “how do you do it so cheap?’ ‘easy’ says the barman ‘the glasses are £10 each’.

The “Qantas” ones were originally USAF and they pre-date the internet.

In which case they are probably ex RAF pinched by the USAF as the US military are not noted for being original.:D

forgive if you have seen before but my favourites are the genuine pilot/air traffic control messages

there are lots more but here’s a selection !!

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty–do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft.
The pilot of the 727 complained, “Don’t you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?”
Without missing a beat the controller replied, “Roger, give me four thousand dollars’ worth.”

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high.
San Jose Tower: “American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the
Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.”

Unknown aircraft: “I’m f…ing bored!” Air Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”

Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.”
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?”
Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we’ve already notified our caterers.”

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some
amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign “Speedbird 206”:
Speedbird 206: “Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway.”
Ground: “Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate.”
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by a moment, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn’t stop.”

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.
A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she’s got a uniform on, she’s probably an off-duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto ‘We love to fly and it shows’.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto ‘Winning the hearts of the world’.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto ‘Going beyond expectations’.
The woman looks at him sternly and says ‘What the @#!% do you want?’
‘Ah!’ he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. ‘Ryanair’.

The previous owner of the parachute must have forgotten to take his lucky anvil with him. 😀

for sale,

second hand parachute, in very good condition

only used once, never opened

Take your pick

http://www.jethros.eu/fun/aviation_humour.htm

Very funny while it lasts:D

:diablo:Should have an URL link!

Glad I saw it while it was ere then!:diablo:

Its a good one but I bet its gone by the morning 🙂

Ben

Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.
It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, “Pierre, please kiss me!”
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips. “What are you doing, Pierre ?” says the startled Marie.
“I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!”.
She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, “Pierre , please kiss me lower down.”
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it over her breasts.
“Pierre ! What are you doing now?” asks the bewildered Marie. “I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!”.
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers,
“Pierre , please kiss me much much lower!”. Pierre rips off her panties, grabs a bottle of Cognac, pours it over her pubes, then strikes a match and sets the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.Standing waist deep, throws her arms into the air and screams furiously,
“PIERRE , WHAT THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?”
Our hero puffs his chest out and says defiantly,
“I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!”…

The Infamous Airline Interview

I walked into the interview with a great deal of confidence and enthusiasm. Flying airplanes was my one true passion in this life. This was my big chance to merge my occupation with my love. I would become an airline pilot.

“So you want to be an airline pilot?” the interviewer inquired.

“Yes, sir, more than anything else I have ever wanted,” I replied, realizing I sounded like an anxious adolescent.

“Well, great, welcome aboard,” the airline executive said.

“You mean I’m hired?!” I cheered.

“You bet, we’re glad to have you. Actually, we’ve had trouble finding good pilots to hire,” the exec explained. If I was surprised, it was overshadowed by my joy of reaching my dream.

“Let’s just go over a few points before you sign on the dotted line,” the company man chortled. “We’re going to send you to the world’s most renowned medical center. They’ll spend two days probing your body orifices, draining and analyzing your blood, and administering psychological exams. They’ll literally take you apart and put you back together. If they find any hint of current or future problems, you’re fired and can find your own ride home.”

“Gee, I think my health is OK,” I nervously choked out.

The manager went on, “Good, next we’ll evaluate your flying skills in an aircraft you’ve never been in before. “If we don’t like the way you perform, you’re fired,”

I was confident with my flying, but this guy was making me nervous.

He continued, “Next, if you’re still here, we’ll run you through our training program. If during any time in the next 10 years you decide to leave the company, you’ll have to reimburse us $20,000, or we’ll sue you. Also if you fail to measure up during training, you’re fired.”

The man who had just given me my dream job listed still more hurdles. “Each time, before we allow you near one of our multimillion dollar aircraft we’ll X-ray your flight bag and luggage, because we don’t trust you. Also we’ll ask you to pass through a magnetometer each time. If you fail to do so, you’ll be arrested and jailed.”

“When you’ve completed your flight, we’ll have you provide a urine sample, because we don’t trust you to not take drugs. Very soon, we plan to take a blood sample to look for more drugs. “Also if you ever fly with another crew member who may have used drugs or alcohol, you must report to us immediately. If you fail to notice that anyone has used these substances, you’ll be fired, have your license to fly revoked, and be fined $10,000.”

“Every six months, we want you to go back to the medical center for another exam. If they ever find a hint of a problem, your license to fly will be revoked and we’ll fire you. Anytime you see a medical person, you must tell us about it so we can see if you need to be grounded and terminated. Also, we need to examine your driving record, and you must tell us if you have even any minor infractions so we can remove you from the cockpit as soon as possible.”

“At any time, without notice, a special branch of the government will send one of its inspectors to ride in your aircraft. The inspector will demand to see your papers and license; if your papers are not in order, you’ll be removed, fined, terminated, and possibly jailed.”

“If at any time you make an error in judgment or an honest human mistake, you will be terminated, be fined tens of thousands of dollars, and be dragged through months of court proceedings. The government will make sure you never fly again for any airline.”

“You will be well out of town most holidays, weekends, and family events – half our pilots are always on the job at any point in time.

Smiling an evil smile now, the airline hirer went on. “Oh, and one last thing to cover. Occasionally, we in management fail to see a trend and screw up royally or the country’s economy falls flat on its face. If as a result of one of those events the corporation begins to lose money, you as an employee will be expected to make up the losses from your paycheck. Of course, management will not be held to the same standards.

Oh, and one last thing – if we negotiate pay and work rule concessions from you in the in exchange for a better pension plan, we probably won’t fund that pension plan agreement (unlike the management pension plan and golden parachutes) and will likely have yanked it away from you.”

“Now sign here,” he pointed, grinning as he handed me a pen.

I faked a sudden nosebleed. Holding my head back and pinching my nostrils, I hurried from his office. When I got to the hall, I began to run. I ran all the way to my car. I figured if I hurried I could still get to the county vocational school before 5:00 and enroll in the industrial welding career program. !!

Shamelessly stolen from this site:
http://www.urcaptainspekin.com/airline_humor.htm

Very good..reminds me of the Billy Connolly story..He’d been taking flying lessons and was doing his first solo when he ran into clouds and precipitation..he called the control tower and said i think i’m in a bit of trouble..Tower..what is the nature of your problem..Connelly..i think i’m flying upside down..Tower..why do you think you’re flying upside down..Connolly..because the sh!t’s coming out of my collar

Classic clip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdMNg8FrVYM

soundtrack makes it!

What’s wrong he had at least 2 feet of runway left at lift off.:D

I took a Ryanair flight from Beauvais to Prestwick some years back and went to see a chap who was selling a whole load of aeronautical gear up near Loch Lomond. Most of it I bought and arranged for it to be packaged up and sent on to me….but one item I could not resist taking there and then. It was a mint condition 1940 dated seat type Irvin parachute and harness and I took it back with me on the return trip to France….as hand luggage. You should have seen some of the faces as I stowed it in the locker!! Priceless.

Friend of mine is retired 101st Airborne & has about 3500 jumps (thats not a typo). He was coming back to LA on a SouthWorse 737 & had his chute as hand luggage. He boards the plane & puts the chute in the overhead.

One of the other passengers asks him “What was that?”

His reply: “A parachute, didn’t they give you one?” :D:D:D:D

Classic clip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdMNg8FrVYM

soundtrack makes it!

Watched that clip at least 20 times, the commentary is still as funny as the first time!!

Classic clip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdMNg8FrVYM

soundtrack makes it!

Well, planes weren’t so noisy when they built Windsor Castle! 😀