Cabin Crew Rules

Blatantly filched from PPRUNE and collated :diablo:

Not sure if this has been posted before;

Rules for Flying

1. Learn some elementary physics: That bag will NOT fit into the overhead compartment.

2. Try to be smarter about seating: If you have poor bladder control, then perhaps a window seat isn’t a good choice for you.

3. Stewardesses do not have ESP; learn the proper use of the CALL button.

4. Newspapers: wide; seats: narrow. Don’t open your newspaper right into my field of view unless you’re willing to let me finish reading that column.

5. If you insist on reading my computer screen, then I insist on typing disparaging comments about you.

6. Children travel best in one of two forms: (1) muzzled and heavily sedated; (2) checked baggage.

7. No one cares how much of a frequent flyer you are; unless you’re in First Class, shut up, sit down, and buckle in like everyone else.

8. And if you *are* in First Class, then cut the smug routine; we all know you got there on an upgrade.

9. If the seat in front of you is occupied, then learn how to operate a tray table. Specifically, it is not necessary to vibrate the occupant’s fillings loose when you open the table, nor is it necessary to knock out his contacts when stowing the table.

10. Your butt is bigger than you think; watch where you point it.

11. I don’t care how they do things in your home state or country, but here in the civilized world, we try to bathe at least once within the week prior to air travel. This helps to prevent accidental deployment of the air bags during flight.

12. If you still decide to *not* bathe prior to air travel, then at least try to leave SOME of that cheap perfume in the bottle, okay?

13. Your briefcase goes under the seat in *front* of you, not the seat directly *beneath* you. MY LEGS go under the seat beneath you. If you INSIST on providing comfortable leg room for yourself by sliding your briefcase into the space where my feet were resting, then expect to retrieve said briefcase with a NEW lock combination.(*) And yes, it will be locked, so be sure to keep the boarding pass for your connecting flight on *you*, and not in your briefcase.

14. Flying is like camping: Whether in your bags, in your stomach, or on your person, you should leave with the same amount of stuff you started with.

15. After landing, the driver will say something like “stay in your seat until the aircraft arrives at the gate”. There is a reason for this, and it has never been know for a passenger to beat the aircraft to the gate, no matter how soon he retrieves his big 15kg wheelie from the overhead

16. The seatbelt sign is on for a reason, so sit the hell down!

17) Don’t mess with the cabin-crew – they’ve borrowed some tasers & caddle-prods, work long hours & have to put up with a lot of c**p, so if you think the CC are short-tempered you’re right! What you don’t know is that the FD’s temper is even shorter with pax giving the CC a hard time, and are looking for any excuse to divert to a remote island that has joined the “Coalition of the Willing” and consequently has some fancy new anti-terror-legislation that they’re just dying to try out on the first tit that can’t behave
18.) When checking in for your flight, please DO listen to everything you are being asked or told, the agent isn’t saying it to exercise their mouth. DO NOT argue over excess baggage you have a limit printed on your ticket, stick to it, the agent is just doing their job, they are not being racist or sexist or anything else-ist. If your hand luggage is over the allowed weight, it will have to be checked in.

19.) Always remember that the check in agent could really ruin your day. The phrase “go ahead, make my day punk” applies here.

20.) When de-boarding, or deplaning, be fast! it’s terrible sitting in the rear end of the plane, when your fellow passengers is like snails when they shuld walk. (if not run!)

21. When they say “Now boarding seat row 55 to 65” they do not mean that you, in seat 18, can join the queue and hold everyone else up while you fart about stowing your various pieces of handl luggage (hah!!) in the overhead locker, arrange all the items on your seat, and make sure that all your reading material is stowed in the correct order in your seat back.

22. CC are not your personal slaves. They are employees, there to do a job. You are a guest on this here hairyplane, not bleedin’ royalty. You have every privilege to use the service this airline provides and that privilege can be revoked. Until the laws are changed to deny arrogant nimrods like you access to this service the CC only tolerate you out of courtesy. If you are tasered by CC, or SLF who are sympathetic to the CC, then be it on your own head.

23. Don’t tease the crew or push bananas through the bars of the flight deck.

24. Don’t poke fun or call out funny names like “Nigel” at BA crew as they exit customs. They know not what they do (well, some of ’em might)

25. If you see an old mate called Jack, don’t shout “Hi…”.

26. When the gate agents announces over the PA “please have your own boarding card and passport open at the photo page” they DO mean it. It’s morons like you that slow boarding down for everyone else.

27. In relation to No. 26 when you reach the gate agent DO NOT hand over all the passports and boarding cards belonging to your whole group. No matter how fabulous you think we are, we cannot check more than one set of boarding cards and passport at once.

28. In view of the above – if the check in agent at a certain large northern UK regional airport is blonde, and has a very, very wide name badge to accommodate her posh title, move to the next queue, even if it’s twice as long….

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