Cheer Me Up

Originally posted by Ren Frew
“Scotch” AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHH !:p

Sorry, did I say something wrong?

Flood.

“Scotch” AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHH !:p

Originally posted by Ren Frew
Jaysus Flood, your rudimentary grasp of Scottish stereotypes is appalling, and you can’t spell Guinness right either, Ren (drinker of Guinness) Frew 😀

Word for word from an email that floated around at work about a year ago…
Sorry – nearly rewrote it so that he was drinking scotch – but I would probably have typed it as whiskey by mistake…:rolleyes:

Flood.

Jokes so corny they make you feel worse… lovely after freezing a nice weekend at Ramstein/Frankfurt/Coleman Barracks:

What lives in Alaska, eats seals and has large things protruding from it’s head?
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Eskimoose

Originally posted by Flood
A tourist goes to Scotland on vacation. He decides to spend one afternoon in an old Scottish pub. He has a seat and looks around. He notices an old, haggard man sitting a few stools down from him.
‘Looks like a regular,’the tourist thinks to himself. ‘I think I’ll have what he’s having, a nice pint of Guiness.’
So the tourist orders a Guiness.
A few minutes later, the old man looks up from his glass and says rather loudly, in a thick Scottish accent, ‘You see this bar here? I built this me-self. I drafted it in me own basement, and did all the woodwork me-self. Took me three and a half weeks, but do they call me ‘Arthur McDougal: Barbuilder?’ No.’
The tourist stares at the man in bewilderment.
Several minutes later, the old man looks up again. ‘You see that fence out there? I built that me-self. Dragged every stone there. None of ’em is less than 150 pounds, and I dragged each one no less than three-quarters of a mile. But do they call me ‘Arthur McDougal: Fencebuilder? ‘ No.’
The tourist is really worried about this man’s mental health by this time.
Once again Arthur looks up.’You see that bridge out there? I did that me-self. I drafted it in me own basement and was on the construction site every day. I even chose the building materials, but do they call me ‘Arthur McDougal: Bridgebuilder?’ No. But you screw just one sheep…’:D:D:D

Flood.

Jaysus Flood, your rudimentary grasp of Scottish stereotypes is appalling, and you can’t spell Guinness right either, Ren (drinker of Guinness) Frew 😀

Originally posted by HURRICANE 477
Not in the mood for any jokes,
‘yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away’ [SIZE=9]

JUST BLOODY CHEER UP! GOT MORE THAN ENOUGH MISERABLE TOERAGS HERE WITHOUT YOU MOPING AROUND WITH A FACE AS LONG AS A FIDDLE![/SIZE]
There, isn’t that better? 😀

Flood.

Not in the mood for any jokes,
‘yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away’

I dont know but go to www.madblast.com for all of your needs wheter it be forums, funny jokes, funny games and they take the mic at michael jackson( a game called baby catch from a balcony) lol:D

THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition – even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.
You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
The Chief of Police is always black.
In court, the Judge is always female, and usually black as well.
When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
When displaying text, a computer always beeps as each letter and/or number appears on the screen.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective – or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a sports stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

Flood.

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket — If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby.
He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabby said, “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!” So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how
he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked? “Fifteen bucks,” came the reply. “And how much for you to make out with me on the way?” “What?! Get the hell out of my cab.”

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?”
The cabby replied “fifteen bucks.” The businessman said “ok” and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

Flood.

Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day.
The agent goes “Sean, I’ve got you a job, starts tomorrow, early. You’ll have to be there for 10-ish”.
Sean furrows his brow.
“Tennish? but I don’t even have a racket.”

Flood.

Old Mary worked in the ticket box of the Circus for almost 40 years
She finally retired and decided to take a trip to the Sunshine coast with her best friend
They were walking along the boardwalk eating an ice cream when Mary said that looks like old Jack the strong man from the Circus over there, i think i’ll go and say hello
Hi, weren’t you old jack the strong man from the circus she said
Yes, i was exclaimed jack but i retired about twenty five years ago
do you remember me “Mary” i worked in the ticket box
No i dont i’m sorry my memory is not the best these days, i’m 97 you know
I was wondering said Mary if you still do that Adults only act where you bend an iron bar over your erect penis
“No” not anymore my wrists are “f*cked

A tourist goes to Scotland on vacation. He decides to spend one afternoon in an old Scottish pub. He has a seat and looks around. He notices an old, haggard man sitting a few stools down from him.
‘Looks like a regular,’the tourist thinks to himself. ‘I think I’ll have what he’s having, a nice pint of Guiness.’
So the tourist orders a Guiness.
A few minutes later, the old man looks up from his glass and says rather loudly, in a thick Scottish accent, ‘You see this bar here? I built this me-self. I drafted it in me own basement, and did all the woodwork me-self. Took me three and a half weeks, but do they call me ‘Arthur McDougal: Barbuilder?’ No.’
The tourist stares at the man in bewilderment.
Several minutes later, the old man looks up again. ‘You see that fence out there? I built that me-self. Dragged every stone there. None of ’em is less than 150 pounds, and I dragged each one no less than three-quarters of a mile. But do they call me ‘Arthur McDougal: Fencebuilder? ‘ No.’
The tourist is really worried about this man’s mental health by this time.
Once again Arthur looks up.’You see that bridge out there? I did that me-self. I drafted it in me own basement and was on the construction site every day. I even chose the building materials, but do they call me ‘Arthur McDougal: Bridgebuilder?’ No. But you screw just one sheep…’:D:D:D

Flood.

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the checkout girl, “Nothing but the best for my little kitten.”
The girl at the cash register said, “I’m very sorry, but we cannot sell you that cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”
]The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive packets of dog biscuits.
The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food.
Frustrated, the little old lady went home, coming back with her dog. She was then allowed to buy the dog biscuits.
The next day the little old lady brought in a box with a hole in the lid, and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.”
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her and so the cashier put her finger into the box and on pulling it out sniffed it and told the little old lady, “Hey, my finger smells like $hit!”
The little old lady smiled sweetly and said “Yes dear, now can I please buy some toilet paper?”
MORAL: Never fool around with little old ladies;)

Flood.

Sky TV have just won the rights to screen the World Origami Championships from Tokyo.
Unfortunately it’s only available on Paper View……:D 😀 😀

Flood.

Q. How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. That’s not Funny!!!

Flood.

A man goes to the doctor for tests, doctor says “I need a sperm, urine and stool sample”. Man says “will my underwear do?”:D

Originally posted by Flood
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.” The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: “Well, doc, it’s like this – First I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?” The old man replied, “Yep. And no matter what we tried we still couldn’t
get the damn jar open!”

Flood.

Where have i heard that before? PETER KAY?

“topping the ill”

Work for the NHS did he?

It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, “Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience.”

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. “I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations.”

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch …” The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. “Sh!t!” said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

Flood. (Thanx, Snapper:rolleyes:!)