It's been a while

“I’m the CEO of Delta, now get the hell off of my aeroplane!”

That felt gooood! 😀 😀

This one is from memory. It may be a true story or total fiction but I laughed at it.

A man boards a Delta Airlines flight with an economy ticket. Its obvious from his briefcase and suite that he’s a businessman. Seeing an empty seat up front in business class, the man plonks himself into it. A flight attendant approaches him, asking if she can help. The man says he wants an upgrade. The FA politely tells him that his is not possible and requests he goes back to his seat in economy.
The man explodes with anger….
“I paid $200 for this flight, there’s a seat free here and I want it”
“I’m sorry sir” the FA explains again “we do not upgrade customers onboard, company policy, you have paid for an economy ticket Sir, now please sit back down in your designated seat. The man refuses to budge and begins questioning the Flight Attendant’s competence until another arrives and informs him again that he is not entitles to an upgrade. The man begins hurling abuse at the two Flight attendants.

Hearing the commotion behind him… another man in Business class gets up and walks over to the argument. The two female attendants see this person and step aside. “Excuse me sir…. can I see your ticket” he asks.
The irrate business man hands over his ticket thinking this person was another attendant After taking a look at it, the other man tears up the ticket.
“Just who the f**k do you think you are?” The now even more irrate business man yelled
The reply came swiftly and cooly “I’m the CEO of Delta, now get the hell off of my aeroplane!”

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn’t get out of her room.

“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

Its the late 1930s, and an old woman is on her first flight in an airplane.
The flight is at night, and mostly in the clouds. After landing the old woman asks the cabin personell to tell the pilot he was doing a fantastic job.
A little curious as to how an old woman on her first ever flight can now that it was a good flight, they ask her what she means.
“I kept a good eye on his flying, and he stayed between the red and the green light ALL the way!!!”

Three pilots are bragging in a bar.

The first one goes “I’ve got a jet that will do 0-100 in 3 seconds.” The other says, “well that’s nothing, I’ve got a jet that will go to a 100 in 2 seconds”.

Then the last pilot comes in. “Actually, even my wife got something that will go 0-100 in under a second”. The other two pilots ask amazingly “well, what might that be?”. To which the third pilot replies, a scale!

Two Italian men were out fishing one day when their boat was suddenly swept out to sea, one got on the radio and called “Helpa Helpa we are going outta to tha sea, helpa helpa”

An airline pilot heard this and replied, “Caller on this frequency this is Fokker Friendship 27, can I help, over”

The Italian called out again “Helpa Helpa we are going outta to tha sea, helpa helpa”

The Pilot again called to the man, “Caller on this frequency this is Fokker Friendship 27, can I help, over”.

The Italian seemed to ignor the call and cried out yet again”Helpa Helpa we are going outta to tha sea, helpa helpa”

The pilot was getting rather frustrated and tried again, “Caller on this frequency this is Fokker Friendship 27”.

The Italian called back saying, “Fokker you Friendships mate we needa da helpa”.

That’s an old one as well and there are so many versions of it, but thanks, they are all good, love the blind pilot one!

Air China Flight ZH-0039, a DC-3 flying from Zhengsen To Houngdou was flying in rough weather when both engines got knocked out, the pilot and co-pilot ran back and jumped out calling “Bhudda Bhudda catch me, Bhudda Bhudda catch me”, suddenly a huge hand came out of the clouds catching them both and placing them on the ground.

An American on that flight, the only passenger, decided to try it as well. He jumped out calling “Bhudda Bhudda catch me, Bhudda Bhudda catch me”. The hand appreaed and caught him. In relief that it worked he said “Phew thank god” and the hand droped him.

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. “There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us,” he announced. “Since I’m the pilot, I get one!” After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

“I’m the world’s greatest athlete,” proclaimed Michael Jordon. “This world needs great athletes, so I must live.” Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

“I’m the smarest man in the world,” bragged Bill Gates. “The world needs smart men, so I must also live!” Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak. “I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane.”

“You don’t have to stay here! The world’s smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack.”

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. “I’m doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I’m starting to get the hang of this.”

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn’t radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, “I don’t know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!”

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in thirty minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, “Keith, we’re in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”

Keith replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?”

Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!

HA HA. Good one LFC.

A blonde booked an Economy ticket on a long haul flight to Chicago. She gets on the plane and as she passes the Business class cabin, she decides to sit there. Another passenger then tells her to move, but she doesn’t, so the cabin crew are called. They politely ask her to move, but she doesn’t, so they call the Captain. The Captain then whispers something in her ear and she then moves to the Economy class. The cabin crew then quickly went to the Captain and asked what he told her. The Captain said that he told her that this part of the plane doesn’t fly to Chicago.

There is Lauda Air Austria and I think Lauda Air Italy.

Lauda are the fully owned charter division of Austrian Airways,so yes!

Osh: funny, very funny 😛

ALO: mate thatis rather good, i’ve never heard that one before, I like it. Does Lauda still exist?

not bad.

I’ve got one and it ain’t the best one:

An elderly bloke goes into the Terminal at Manchester and askes the lady:
“Which airline flies to Vienna?”
“Lauda” she said-to which the elderly man replied:
“WHICH AIRLINE FLIES TO VIENNA ??”

(I know its not good but I’ve always been crap at jokes.

You’re right it’s an oldie. I had to check the posting date,thought I’d gone back to 1905! (Sorry!) :diablo: :diablo: