Joke/Funnies Thread

Zexxxxy!

I quite like Jim Davidson’s one about the Belgrano (or however you spell it). It was sunk in the Falklands by the Royal Navy.

It used to be the USS Pheonix (I think) and was the only ship to survive Pearl Harbor and then we came along and sunk it!!!!!!!!!! 😀 😀 😀 Mark 😀

Check this video out, but a big WARNING, it contains swearing 🙂

Enjoy

Chopper

PMSL!!!!!!!!!!!AWESOME!!!!!!!

A Father getting out late from work and going back home suddenly
remembers that it’s his Daughters birthday and that he has no present for
her. He stops his car in front of a toy store goes in and asks the saleslady
how much does the Barbie in the show window cost?

Nicely the saleslady replies. Which Barbie? We have:

“Barbie goes to the Gym” for $19.95
“Barbie plays Volleyball” for $19.95
“Barbie goes shopping” for $19.95
“Barbie goes to the beach” for $19.95
“Barbie goes dancing” for $19.95
“Barbie divorced” for $265.95

And the Father really surprised, asks: Uummm! Why does Barbie divorced
cost $265.95, when all the others are priced at only $19.95

The saleslady proudly replies. Sir…, “Barbie Divorced” comes with:
Ken’s car, Ken’s house, Ken’s cottage, Ken’s yacht, Ken’s furniture,
Ken’s computer and Ken’s best friend……………

On a similar note:

A little girl goes into a toy shop with her dad, goes to the doll section, and tells her dad that she wants a Barbie and an Action Man.

“But honey,” he says, “Barbie comes with Ken.”
“No dad,” she replies, “she fakes it with Ken. She comes with Action Man!”

:diablo:

A Father getting out late from work and going back home suddenly
remembers that it’s his Daughters birthday and that he has no present for
her. He stops his car in front of a toy store goes in and asks the saleslady
how much does the Barbie in the show window cost?

Nicely the saleslady replies. Which Barbie? We have:

“Barbie goes to the Gym” for $19.95
“Barbie plays Volleyball” for $19.95
“Barbie goes shopping” for $19.95
“Barbie goes to the beach” for $19.95
“Barbie goes dancing” for $19.95
“Barbie divorced” for $265.95

And the Father really surprised, asks: Uummm! Why does Barbie divorced
cost $265.95, when all the others are priced at only $19.95

The saleslady proudly replies. Sir…, “Barbie Divorced” comes with:
Ken’s car, Ken’s house, Ken’s cottage, Ken’s yacht, Ken’s furniture,
Ken’s computer and Ken’s best friend……………

Extremely important advice and recommendations to be passed on to wives,girlfriends,fiances,mothers,daughters,etc (to all women in general).These rules are to be communicated prior to the World Cup in June/July this year…….

LIST OF RULES

1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006,you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup,and that way,you will be able to join in the conversations.If you fail to do this,then you will be looked at in a bad way,or you will be totally ignored.DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup,the television is MINE,at all times,without any exceptions.If you even take a glimpse of the remote controll,you will lose it (your eye)

3. If you have to pass in front of the TV during a game,I don’t mind,as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me.If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV,make sure you put your clothes on right after because,if you catch cold,I wont have time to take you to the Doctor or look after you during World Cup month.

4. During the games,I will be blind,deaf and mute,unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat.You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you,open the door,answer the telephone,or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor…..it won’t happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs of beer in the fridge at all times,as well as plenty of things to nibble on,and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games.In return,you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6 am,unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

6. Please,please,please!! if you see me upset because one of my teams is losing,DO NOT say “get over it,it’s only a game”,or “don’t worry,they’ll win next time”.If you say these things,you will only make me angrier and I will love you less.Remember,you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called “words of encouragement” will only lead to a break-up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch ONE game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on,and only if the halftime score is pleasing me.In addition,please note I am saying “ONE” game,hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to “spend time together”.

8. The replays of the goals are very important.I don’t care if I have seen them or I haven’t seen them,I want to see them again.Many times.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies,or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:

a) I will not go,

b) I will not go,and

c) I will not go.

10. But,if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game,we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves.Do not even think about saying “but you have already seen this…why don’t you change the channel to something we can all watch??”,the reply will be “Refer to Rule #2 of this list”.

12. And finally,please save your expressions such as “Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years”.I am immune to these words,because after this comes the Champions League,Italian League,Spanish League,Premier League,etc,etc.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Regards,

Men of the World.

Tony Blair is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.

“Tony, John Prescott here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is
an emergency! I’ve just received word that the Durex factory in
Sheffield has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire
British supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week.”

“Christ John – the economy will never be able to cope with all those
unwanted babies – we’ll be ruined!”

“We’re going to have to ship some in from abroad…America?”

“No chance!! Bush will have a field day on this one!”

“What about Ireland?”

“Maybe – but we don’t want them to know that we are stuck.
You call Bertie Ahern – tell him we need one million condoms;

coloured red, white and blue; twelve inches long and eight inches thick!

That way he’ll know how big the brits really are!!”

John calls Bertie, who agrees to help the Brits out in their hour of need.

Three days later a van arrives outside Downing Street – full of boxes.

A delighted Tony rushes out to open the boxes.
He finds condoms; 12inches long; 8 inches thick, all coloured red,
white or blue.

He then notices in small writing on each and every one:-

MADE IN IRELAND – SIZE: MEDIUM

The Love Dress

A woman stopped by at her recently married son’s house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

“What are you doing?” she asked. “I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered. “But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed!

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.

“Love dress? But you’re naked!”

“My husband loves me to wear this dress,” she explained. “It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me.”

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“This is my love dress,” she whispered, sensually.

“Needs ironing,” he said.

“What’s for dinner?

i don’t know, what does a moggy c? (i’m sure i’m gonna regret asking this)

What’s a Moggy C?!

Thank you, I seem to have entered a male dominated area!! I look forward to taking part in the weeks, months and years to come

Helen

funny
hang up yer coat, and welcom “H”
dave………….

Hey guys (and girls of course),

This is my first EVER post on this forum so hope you like it:

An American engine manufacturer by the name of Pratt + Whitney were trying to devise an engine that was immune to damage from bird strike. They managed to get hold of information from a similar study being carried out at Rolls Royce. They learned that Tesco chickens were fired from a gun into the engine to test it. So PW did this a few times but each time it completly shattered the engine. Millions of dollars were spent revisng the problem. They finally got in touch with RR and asked them for some advice, after a few days a short e-mail was sent to PW

Defrost the chickens first, yeah?

Helen

Someone posted the joke about why it’s good to be a guy (bloke). Here is how a gay guy (poof to you Brits?) would respond to each of the listed items. I died laughing when I first read this…
_______________________________

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. (which is such a pity, especially since you spent 3 hours doing killer squats to firm up those cheeks! Never mind, your gluteus won’t go un-noticed when you “shake what yo Mama gave yah” on the dance floor tonight…)

2. Your orgasms are real. Always. (except three years ago, when while under the influence, you picked up a fattie… ) 🙁

3. Your last name stays put. (until in a fit of blinded love/lust you agree to hyphenate yours and your significant other’s last names)

4. The garage is all yours. (and completely color coordinated! Yea!)

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves. (Absolutely! Greg for decorations, Alan for the scrumptious cake, Nick for the hors d’oeuvres, Linda and Marsha for all the electrical works and lightings…)

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
(Absolutely! You just tell all your mutual friends what a slut “that skank” is…)

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth. (and you nod like it all made sense too)

8. You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut. (but someone please please, pleeeease mention the cool frosted highlights….)

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. (unless you’re into leather and whips)

10. Same work. more pay. (also, same work, more style, more flare, more chic, more color….)

11. Wrinkles-add character. (This should be spelt: Wrinkles-add Botox)

12. You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
(gurl-friend, not unless you want that sock padding to fall out!)

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. (boutinear from Tiffany’s: $1000; Armani Sheer socks $200; Going through endless tux rental shops and dealing with bitter hags who will never themselves get married: f*cking priceless)

14. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen. (even though you swear that is what’s causing your weight gain, not the doughnuts that you ate last night)

15. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them. (and to think you got your nipples pierced specifically for that purpose)

16. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. (unless you reasoned that size 18 heel pumps with your drag outfit would make you look hideous and so you got a couple of sizes smaller…)

17. One mood, ALL the damn time. (yeah: bitchy!)

18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds. (to be dreamily continued over endless cups of mocha latte in some trendy cafe )

19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase. (to hold all the skin care supplies, that is. It’s the other 40 suitcases that hold the party wear, beach wear, in-case you get lucky where/wear… )

20. You can open all your own jars. (but who needs to, when it is an excellent excuse to call the hunky neighbor over?! ) 😉

21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. (well, yeah. From the clueless chicks anyway. Your fag-hag friends downright expect it now!)

22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. (if we’re talking the edible kind, I guess *yawn*)

23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. (except your mother)

24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat. (pretty easy, really, when you’re reading Barbara Cartland’s romantic novels)

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. (for a weekend getaway, perhaps…)

26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking “He must be mad at me.” (probably because you and bubba are silently redesigning the uniforms with sequins in mind…)

27. No maxi-pads. (Though you’d swear you could’ve used one last weekend when Nick at the tanning booth went all Nelly on you -what a girl! ) 😡

28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. (or alternatively, scratch each other’s eyes out )

29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. (one of which needs to be “fuchsia” or “taupe”)

30. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. [I](specially like the last time at the clothing store: When that nut had to bolt with unpaid merchandise, without thinking, you turned him in to the mall security!) [/I]

31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes. (thanks to the strobe lights that were on the dance floor where you partied all night. Incidentally, now you also cannot see the cars on the streets, the people in the cars, that cop following you…)

32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. (ya, maybe in your worst nightmare -from which you wake up screaming, drenched in sweat! ) 😮

33. Your belly usually hides your big hips. (Eek! see comment above)

34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. (Oh, gawd! Please see comment above)

35. You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife. (Sure, if you decide to hold the manicurist hostage with said pocket knife)

36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes (Hooray for Macys.com and FedEx overnight!)

Heading for the door 😮

laviticus……you got barry’s coat?

Don’t worry about bird flu,they’ve got it covered 😉

oh dear!!!!!!

two blokes were in a pub having a pint. one of them is doing a crossword.
‘eight letters,’ he reads out,
‘centre of female pleasure.’
‘clitoris,’ says the other.
‘do you know how to spell it? asks the crossword fan.
‘no’ replies the other.’but you should have asked me last night, it was on the tip of my tongue.’

A fella walks into the chemist and asks
‘have you got anything for an headache, this is a rather severe one‘
‘well’ says the pharmasist ‘nothing is better than asprin’
‘ok give me two packs of nothing then’