Joke Thread

What with all the war in Iraq and other bits and bobs its time for a laugh or a cringe whichever you prefer 🙂

A small group of army men were in their barracks for the night, about to get to sleep. Suddenly, their drill sergeant blasts through the door and screams “MEN, we have a homosexual among us!”. One plucky soldier asked “Sir, how can you tell?!” To which the drill sergeant answered “Well…. the cook’s d1ck tastes of sh1t!”

King Arthur was in Merlin’s laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place which made it basically useless.

“This is no good, Merlin!” the King exclaimed, “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I’m on a long quest?”

“Ah, sire, just observe,” said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

“Merlin, you are a genius!” said the grateful monarch. “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.” After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ‘short arm’ inspection.

Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad. “Sir Galahad,” exclaimed King Arthur. “You are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours.”

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

In an English train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and an awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

1) The blonde thought – “That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face”.
2) The fat lady thought – “This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him”.
3) The Frenchman thought – “That f’ing Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me”.
4) The Englishman thought – “I hope there’s another tunnel soon so I can smack that French **** again”.

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. “Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?” asked the one.
“Well, not exactly.” his friend replied, “she’s more into the trick dog aspect of it.”
“Oh, I see, kinky, huh?”
“Well, not exactly – I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.

The seventy-year old said, “have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour cause my pee barely trickles out.”

“Heck, that’s nothing,” said the eighty-year old. “Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a ****, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It’s terrible.

“You think you’ve got problems,” said the Ninety-year old. Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I **** like a pig. The trouble with me is that I don’t wake up until 11:30.

A Grandma’s Diary:

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, for the love of God, GO! GO! What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach…

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I’ve never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing. Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Why do blondes only get half an hour for their lunch breaks?

So they dont have to be re-trained when they gat back.

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He’s met by the reception committee and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistics master, he sits down in the library and begins to go over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent “Easy Reading” to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, “An ‘R’! They left out the ‘R’”.

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, “It’s the letter ‘R’… the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE”

If you are offended by the jokes, dont flame me, as you have obviously read them all so they couldnt be all that bad 🙂

Nikumba