Jokes

Top Ten Caddy Comments

Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”
Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”

Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”

Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Caddy: “Eventually.”

Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”

Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction.”
Caddy: “It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.”

Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”

Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”

Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”

Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”

[hr]

Blonde Jokes

Blonde Overdue

A blonde goes into a library and cheerfully says, “Hi! I’m here to see the doctor!”

In a stern, but hushed voice, the librarian says, “Miss, this is a library.”

So the blonde lowers her voice and says, “Oh sorry!” Then whispers, “I’m here to see the doctor.”

DOC IT HURTS ALL OVER!

A woman explains to the doctor, “When I touch my arm,
ouch, it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch, it hurts.
When I touch my head, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my
chest, ouch, it hurts.”

The doctor just shakes his head and asks, “You’re a
natural blond, aren’t you?”

The woman smiles and says, “Why, yes I am. How
did you know?”

The doctor replies, “Because your finger is broken.”

[hr]

She Was Sooooooo Blonde That…

…she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

…she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

…she thought a quarterback was a refund.

…she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.

…she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

…she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.

…she thought General Motors was in the army.

…she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

…she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

…under “education” on her job application, she put
“Hooked On Phonics.”

…she tripped over a cordless phone.

…she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can
because it said “concentrate.”

…she told a friend to meet her at the corner of “WALK”
and “DON’T WALK.”

…at the bottom of the application where it says “sign
here,” she put “Sagittarius.”

…she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

…she studied for a blood test.

…she thought she needed a token to get on “Soul Train.”

…she sold the car for gas money!

…when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice
instead.

…when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said
“Airport Left,” she turned around and went home.

…when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the
home, she moved.

…she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

…if she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless.

…she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the
evening.

…she had a shirt that said “TGIF,” which she thought
stood for “This Goes In Front.”

[hr]

What if airplanes run on OS!!!

Here’s some descriptions of airplanes run by various operating systems:

DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.

Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don’t need to know, don’t want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.

OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged–with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.

Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, uneventful takeoff. Then: BOOM! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.

NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can’t even get aboard.

UNIX: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they’re building.

CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don’t need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to, in order to fly it. Actually, you don’t fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don’t go anywhere. But that’s okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.

[hr]

If your still reading this, didnt mean to offend anyone. Also a D-Day pic with a difference.

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