Jokes about your own Nationality/Country!!

RE: Jokes about your own Nationality/Country!!

A yokel from the Isle of Man bumps into a friend in the village. The friend is carrying a shiny oblong object and the yokel asks what it is.

“It’s called a Flask, yessir”

“What does it do yessir?”

“It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, yessir”

“Oh.”

And yokel walks into the local shop and buys a Flask.

Friend encounters yokel a few days later, carrying a new Flask. He asks yokel:

“What’s in the Flask, yessir?”

“A cup of tea and some ice cream, yessir.”

On a more realistic note, I find it amusing that the Irish intrastat office sends out their returns with pre-paid envelopes. How nice of them. Except, the return forms do not fit in the envelopes. No matter how much you fold them! Picking on the Irish again, who else would build an asylum for alcoholics next door to a Guinness brewery???! (It’s the brewery in Dublin that they give tours round).

RE: Jokes about your own Nationality/Country!!

Icarus

Pretty true out here in cyprus as well…and I’ve only been here two years

cheers

Gary

RE: Jokes about your own Nationality/Country!!

LOL!! but very true!!

RE: Jokes about your own Nationality/Country!!

You Know You’re Greek When…

1) You’re 5’4″, can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.

2) Your uncle owns a restaurant, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a ’76 Monte Carlo.

3) You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro.

4) Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.

5) You have a relative that has done something that required the IRS to threaten him.

6) Your 2 best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law’s brother-in-law.

7) You are a card-carrying V.I.P at more than 3 dance clubs.

8) Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your “Just Do Me” tank top to Wasaga.

9) At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.

10) All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.

11) A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned you the title of “professor” among your aunts.

12) You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.

13) If someone in your family grows beyond 5′ 9″, it is presumed his mother had an affair.

14) There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.

15) You netted more than $50,000 on your baptism.

16) At some point in your life, you waited tables.

17) 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say “Embros” when answering the phone.

18) You are an adult and are forced to be with your family at 12 midnight on New Year’s Eve.

19) Upon meeting another Greek, one of your first questions is, “what church do you go to”?

20) Your grandmother/mother/aunt has a miracle cure for every ailment under the sun.

21) You can name any or all of the gods on Mount Olympus.

22) Your mother or father still feel the need to tell you, “katse kala” in public.

23) You have been hit with a “pandofla” or a “koutala” or a “lourithi”.

24) You can dance the kalamatiano, tsamiko or zebekiko without music.

25) You or a family member have been photographed with a donkey.

26) You must name your children after your parents, grandparents, or in-laws.

27) You have at least 5 Maria’s, 9 Dimitri’s, 5 Niko’s, 6 George’s and 4 Yanni’s in the family.

28) You have ever heard the phrase, “Sto leo yia to kalo sou”.

29) Your parents have ever made up the name of a street or store or tv show because they couldn’t remember it or pronounce it.

30) Upon meeting another Greek you try to find out what village they’re from.

31) You have ever been threatened by a Greek School Teacher.

32) You still get threatened by a Greek School Teacher even though you’re 30 yrs old.

33) You have been spanked by your friend’s parents because your parents gave them permission to.

34) You have a bottle of OUZO in your house right now.

35) You know what a “komboloi” is.

36) You know how to work a “komboloi”.

37) When you were younger and going on car trips you always had to sit on someone’s lap in the front or back seat.

38) You were ever threatened to be eaten by the “mavro pontiki” when you were little.

39) Someone in your family owns or works in any type of restaurant.

40) You are surprised to learn that the local pet store does not sell goats.

41) You can’t understand why McDonald’s rejected your idea for the “McFeta” Burger.

42) Your entire house is a needlepoint warehouse!

43) You eat Vanilla with a spoon from the jar.

44) You have at least 2 kitchens in your house and a lamb roaster in your backyard.

45) Your parents keep the unclaimed $$$$$ in old moth ball smelling coat pockets.

46) At Weddings the karta (card) is determined on the amount of food, the type of band, if the couple is Greek and whether you are convinced the marriage will last.

47) You make up your own Greco-American language :For e.g. Carro (car), Moovare (move), Wassemassini (washing machine), bassi (bus).

48) You can always go to yiayia or papou to curse out your parents and all they do is soothe you and feed you karpouzi.

49) You have been given the evil eye by your mother in public and/or the biting of the forefinger knuckle.

50) You were the first one to get cable on your block, but the last to have it legally.

51) You dread kissing everyone at family gatherings, because you wind up smelling like armpits at the end of the night.

52) You’ve been embarrassed by Mom or Dad in stores because they expect the Greek discount and ask to waive the tax if they pay in cash.
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The Official Greek Handbook…
How to be a cool Greek

1. wear clothes of 2 colors, black and white.

2. own a cell phone and use it in at inapropriate times- in church, restaurant, funeral, wedding etc.

3. refer to anyone who’s not Greek disparingly as “xeni” and pity them for not being as cultures and sophisticated as the greeks.

4. have predominantly Greek friends, with a few token “xeni” thrown in for diversity. talk greek when “xeni” are aound

5. dress as though you are headed for a club when you’re actually going to work or class.

6. if you are a Greek woman, stare menacingly at the other women around you, especially if there richer or more attractive than you.

7. if you are a Greek guy, be sure not to bathe to achieve an “earthy” scent, then try to mask it with a lot of cologne; the combination drives babes wild.

8. smoke as if is your last day on earth…and smoke only malboros.

9. travel only in droves of 10 or more , and be as loud as possible at all times.

10. if you’re single, go to all Greek intercollegiate parties and all GOYA conferences, even if you’re 45 years old.

11. if you’re a single Greek over 30, rell everyone you’re in your 20’s, even if you’re pushing 50.

12. if you’re a single Greek gut, tell women you’re a “successful businessman” or that you “own a successful business back in greece” even if you’re an unemployed goat farmer.

13. dirty dance to Greek folk music.

14. wear only “designer” labels, even if you buy them off a cart on a sidewalk in Manhattan.

15. make sure “designer” lables are extremely visible, preferably embroided on the front of the apparel.

16. if you are a Greek guy, walk 10 feet in front of your woman and call her only when you want sex, then go into a deep depression and lament “theft” of your woman when she dumps you for another guy.

17. if you’re a Greek guy, be indifferent and rude to any woman you’re interested in dating, especially if she’s Greek.

18. if you’re a Greek guy, date “xenes” that treat you badly but marry a Greek woman that can treat you badly.

19. if you’re a Greek woman, date “xeni” you can treat badly but marry a Greek guy that treats you badly.

20. wear a leather jacket at all times… even in the summer.

21. tell American aquantances that money is never an object, even if you only have 10 bucks to your name.

22. guys: if you have hair, get it cut every week and use at least 3 different styling products; if you’re bald, develop a big ego to mask your insecurity. (applicable to short men)

23. make sure you install every possible option in your car, even if it is a Yugo.

24. own a sports car, even if its junk.

25. claim to be a devout Orthodox Christian but know nothing about the religion other than the date of your name day.

26. use church as social ground to meet potential dates.

27. if you are a Greek woman, dye your hair an obvious fake shade of blonde that is nonexistant in nature and swear that it’s natural.

28. if you are a Greek american, act like your father was royalty back in Greece but fell into hard times after the 1973 coup.

29. pump Greek music in the hood.

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How To Raise A Greek Daughter…

1. Never let your daughters spend the night anywhere, except at a fellow Greek’s house.

2. Spend their whole life trying to find them a husband and disapproving of every one they find on their own.

3. Spoil them rotten, but make them feel guilty for it when they ask for something.

4. Fathers – tell them their just like their mothers when you’re mad. Mothers- tell them they have their father’s head when you’re mad.

5. Always compare them to other greek girls (preferably those they can’t stand) when trying to make them do something.

6. Complain that their clothes are too short, too tight, too low cut, too black, too cheap, or not right for church.

7. Brag to your friends about how beautiful and smart they are, but tell them to make their sons to stay away.

8. Press for them to marry a greek man, but then ward them off any Greek man you see them with. “He’s okay, but his mother is crazy.” “His father cleans up goat #####.” “I heard his has a big house but he locks his yiayia downstairs, do you want to marry someone like that?” “No policemen.”

9. Tell them they eat too much or not enough, depending on the situation.

10. Let them run around naked as children, but make them dress like nuns as adults.

11. Complain they spend too much money shopping, and then go out and blow $1000 on a poker game or gambling.

12. Tell them they never keep their car clean enough, even if your vehicle is covered in dust, reeks of smoke, and has empty coffee cups and food crumbs covering the inside.

13. Force them to be nice to people they can’t stand, while you talk about those same people like they are dogs.

14. Have a fit when they use the word ‘malaka’, but use it yourself as if it were going out of style.

15. Let their brothers get away with murder.

16. Embarass them by getting drunk at name days, Easter, festivals, etc, and then dancing the zembekeiko.

17. Assign a name to all their friends, and use them at inappropriate occasions (i.e. the mavra, the fat one, the ugly one, the dumb one, the slut, the chinese one)

18. Never let them leave the house after 10 O’clock.

19. Force them to go to church, join GOYA, dance in the festival.

20. Tell them “good greek girls don’t behave that way” as many times as possible within a lifetime.

21. Buy them gold jewelry even when you know they only wear silver.

22. Fathers – always leave your shirt unbuttoned at least 3 buttons, exposing chest hair and gold cross, when going anywhere with your daughters.

23. Expect them to know all of the Greek dances – except for the tsiftetelli.

24. Make them believe that Greek women never have sex.

RE: Jokes about your own Nationality/Country!!

A Texan walks into an Irish pub and announces, “I’ll pay $500 to any man who can drink 10 pints of Guiness in a half hour.”

No one takes his challenge, but one Irishman runs out the door. About 35 minutes later the same fellow comes back in the pub and asks the Texan, “Is your offer still good?”

The Texan says it is, and the Irishman procedes to down ten pints within a half hour.

The Texan pays off and asks the Irishman where he went.

“I went to the pub next door to see if I could do it first.”

RE: Jokes about your own Nationality/Country!!

[updated:LAST EDITED ON 07-11-02 AT 01:32 AM (GMT)]”, the king went down personally and blessed him, “You Aussies are the best, so smart, very witty, your women are the finest, your cricket team is the worlds best even your rugby team can’t be beaten, because I like your country so much” “

Hahahahaha I though you said drinking was ilegal in his country….

Well there is of course the story of the Kiwi who was exploring the outback of Oz and he came across this pub.
He went in for a room for the night and a cold one.
On the bar he saw a large jar filled with $10 notes, and his curiosity got the better of him and he aked the barman what it was for.
The barman said they had a donkey out back that was depressed and anyone who could make it laugh would win the jar of money.
So the kiwi pops his $10 into the jar and wanders out the back.
2 minutes later he wanders back in to the screams of laughter of the donkey grabs the jar and walks out.
6 months later he comes back the same way and finds another jar filled to overflowing with $10 dollar notes.
The barman says this jar goes to anyone who can stop the donkey laughing.
The kiwi puts in his cash and goes out back.
2 minutes later there is silence and the Kiwi comes out to the sobs of the donkey to get his jar of money.
Curiosity gets the better of him and the barman asks the kiwi what he had said that worked so well both times.
The kiwi replied “The first time I told him my willy was bigger than his… the second time I showed him…”

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Just for a laugh a Melborne Rugby League Club sent an order to a New Zealand condom making company for 200 condoms 4 ft long and 1 foot wide.
3 weeks later they arrived… marked “Proudly Made in New Zealand… Size: Medium.”

RE: Jokes about your own Nationality/Country!!

Three guys are sitting inside a pub, one’s an Aussie, One’s a Kiwi and the last is a South African. All have a beer in front of them, the SA guy picks up his glass Sculls the drink, throughs the glass in the air and shoots it.

He leans over the table and says “En Suth Airfrika, vee haf dat many glasses dat ve don’t drink out of de same wun twice”

The Kiwi, then sculles his drink, throws the glass in the air and shoots it, leans forward on the table and says “Un Nu Seelund We huv det much sind on ar beachus det we don’t drunk outa de same glass twice.

The Aussie, Being the hero of the story, picks up his drink downs it in a flash, throws the glass up in the air and shoots both his fellow drinkers. He then leans over and says, In Australia, we have that many Kiwi’s and Sprinbocks that we don’t need to drink with the same guys twice…

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Three Guys are in Saudi Arabia and having a bit of a party with a slab of beer that they smuggled in to the country (No alcohol is permitted in Saudi Arabia, due to its Islamic laws of state, under standable), One is a Yank, One is a Kiwi and one is an Aussie, and they get caught. After a lenghty trial the sentence is reduced from Death to life imprissonment. Since the trial finished on a Saudi National Holiday the King announced that he would instead give them twenty lashes of a whip and allow them to leave his country.

An hour later, sentence is about to be carried out on each of them, and they are lead out one at a time. The Yank was first since he had the least to drink (Only a half a bottle), the king was felling sorry for them and allowed them all one wish, the Yank asked for a pillow to be placed on his back, this was done and it lasted only half the way, so he still got ten lashes.

The Kiwi was next out and he asked for two pillows, they were tied to his back, and the whipping started. they lasted for fifteen lashes, so he still copped five.

Next came the Aussie, the king went down personally and blessed him, “You Aussies are the best, so smart, very witty, your women are the finest, your cricket team is the worlds best even your rugby team can’t be beaten, because I like your country so much I will grant you two wishes.”

The Aussie knew all the right things to say, “You are indeed a mercifull king in a wonderful country, for this I ask that I receive not 20 but 100 lashes of the whip”!

“You are indeed very brave my good friend, as you wish, 100 lashes of the whip it shall be. Now tell me, what shal be your second wish?” Asked the King

The Aussie winked, smiled and said “That the other two be tied to my back”

Scattered Intelligence Agency:- www.portalpcs.com/intel

RE: Jokes about your own Nationality/Country!!

Here is one I heard from a Brit.

A you know , the rooster is our national symbol as eagle is for the US.

The question is why did we choose the rooster as a symbol ?

The Brits use to say : ” That’s because it is the only animal able to sing with his feet deep in the #####!!!”

RE: Jokes about your own Nationality/Country!!

This wasn’t about Greeks, this was just making of the turks, do you know one it’s the other way around?

RE: Jokes about your own Nationality/Country!!

Alright, here goes:
[i]There’s a Russian, a Cuban, a Mexican, and an American in a boat lost at sea. The Russian gets this great idea, he takes out a bottle, drinks a swig, and tosses it into the ocean.

The Cuban looks at the Russian, scratches his head, and asks: “Why did you throw that into the water?”

The Russian replies: “Because in my country, we have so much vodka we don’t know what to do with it.”

The Cuban thinks a moment, then produces a cigar. He lights it, puffs away, and tosses it into the ocean.

The American looks at the Russian, scratches his head, and asks: “Why did you toss that into the water?”

The Cuban replies: “Because in my country, we have so many cigars we don’t know what to do with them.”

The American thinks a moment, picks up the Mexican, and throws him into the ocean.

-I’ve heard this joke with a lawyer instead of a Mexican, but to be patriotic and American this fits better }> [/b]

SOC

“Peace through kinetic solutions”

RE: Jokes about your own Nationality/Country!!

URGENT – DUDLEY EARTHQUAKE APPEAL

At 00:54 on Monday 23 September an earthquake measuring 4.8 on the Richter scale hit Dudley,UK causing untold disruption and
distress –

* Many were woken well before their giro arrived
* Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish costas were damaged
* Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed
* Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Dudley

One resident, Donna-Marie Dutton, a 17 year old mother-of-three said “It was such a shock, little Chantal-Leanne came running into
my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the
next morning.”

Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal.
The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken masses. Rescue
workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and
jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.

HOW YOU CAN HELP

* £2 buys chips, scraps and blue pop for a family of four
* £10 can take a family to Stourport for the day, where children can play on an unspoiled canal bank among the national collection
of stinging nettles
* 22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim

PLEASE ACT NOW
Simply email us by return with your credit card details and we’ll do the rest!

If you prefer to donate cash, there are collection points available at your local branches of Argos, Iceland and Clinton Cards

Brazilians

I’ve just remembered one that is about ourselves!

One city government decides to build a bridge, and to decides who is gonna build it the mayor starts a tender. 3rd builders gets in the tender: one American, one Bolivian and one Brazilian.
The mayor decides to talk with the American first:
Mayor: How much is it gonna cost?
American: US$ 1,000,000.
Mayor: Why do you think it may cost that?
American: Well, we’re gonna use the most advanced technologies in bridges construction and contract the best operaries, etc…
So the mayor decides to listen the Bolivian’s proposal:
Mayor: How much are you thinking to charge us for this bridge?
Bolivian: US$20,000
Mayor: Ow, that’s cheap!
Bolivian: Yes. We’re gonna use some old woods that I’ve found in the rubbish of a old building which came down.
So finally, the mayor go talking to the Brazilian…
Mayor: So how much is it gonna cost if you gets responsible for this bridge construction?
Brazilian: US$2,020,000
Mayor: Why is that so expensive?!?!?!?
Brazilian: Look, man. I get US$1 milion, you get US$1 milion and we pay US$20,000 for the Bolivian build the bridge.

Regards,
Junin

RE: Aussies

You’ve probably heard this one before…and yes, it’s another English/Irish/Scotish joke…I know, sad.

An English man, an Irish man and a Scot’s man are working on the out side of a high rise office tower while making repairs to the building.
At noon they break for lunch and sit together on the roof of the building. The English man opens his lunch box and shouts out “Ham sandwiches!!! I’ve had Ham bloody sandwiches everyday for lunch for the past three months! If I get Ham sandwiches ONCE MORE,I swear I’ll jump!”
The Scot’s man opens his lunch next and shouts out “HAGGIS(?spelling), I’ve had Haggis every day for the past FOUR months. If I get Haggis again one more time, I’ll top myself too!”
The Irish man is the last to open his lunch and cries out “CORNED BEEF, I’ve had corned beef every day for the past FIVE months and if I get it one more time I’LL JOIN YOU!”
The next day comes along and soon enough it’s lunch time.
All three get the lunch they hated and topped themselves by jumping off the roof.
One week later their wives are discussing the events leading to their husbands deaths. The English mans wife and Scots mans wife agree that if their husbands had told them they wanted a break from their respective lunches they would have done so gladly. However the Irish mans wife says “I just don’t understand it, MY HUSBAND MADE HIS OWN LUNCHES!”

Aussies

Here are a couple for you from the big wide sunburnt land, enjoy

Two Aussies rock up to the Pearly gates and are met by St Peter, “you two can’t come in here, you’re Aussies, you steal everything that’s not bolted down” says St Pete.

“Oh c’mon, fair go mate, we didn’t ask to come here” says one of the Aussies.
“NO” yells St Peter, turn around and go the other way.

They start walking away and St Pete goes in side, he sees God and gives him an update of the situation, “Hi Lord, gee we’ve had a busy morning, nothing special just the usual. Oh and a couple of Aussies turned up, but I quickly saw them off”
God is not happy, “Why did you do that”?
“Well they’re Aussies, they steal everything that is not nailed down” reminds St Peter.
God is furious, “Everyone has a right to enter my kingdom if they have chosen the right path, I command that you go and fetch them immeditaly”, to which St Pete runs off.

Ten minutes later St Peter comes running up to God crying “God, oh merciful Lord, how could this happen”
God looks at him and calms him down, “What’s wrong Pete”
St Peter looks up at him and says, “They’re gone Lord, they’re gone”
God asks “who the Aussies?”
Shaking his head St Peter says “No Lord, the Pearly gates, they’re gone”

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An American arrives in the out back gets of the plane and looks around, seeing only an old Aboriginal, we walks over and asks him, “G’Day mate, how far is it to Dunnydoo”?
The Old Aboringinal looks up and points and says “It’s about 20 kilomiters dat wey mate”
“Oh ok, thanks” says the Yanks and sets off on foot

About 5 clicks down the road the yanks comes across a strange sight, there lying starkers on the road is another Aboriginal with he member sticking straigh up, and he’s just looking at it. The Yank rushes over and says, “What the hell do you think you’re doing”
The young Boy looks up and says, “It’s ok mate, I’m ceckin tha tiome”
“Oh yeah”, says the Yank, “well if you’re so good, what time is it then?”
“About half past eleven”
the yank looks at his watch 11:35, not bad, and on he walks.

Another five clicks down the road he sees another boy doing the same and he raushes over with the same impulsive action, this time he asks what time it is and is told one o’clock, he looks at his watch and sees that it is indeed one o’clock, he thinks “Wow very impressive”

A further five kilometers down the road he comes a cross another Aboriginalgripping his part and strokeing it, to which the yank runs over and yells at him, “Hey what the hell are you doing, you can’t do that, that’s not right” he screams.
The Aboriginal looks up and says politely, “It’s ok mate, I’m widing back my clock”!

I’d just like to say that Australia has just started daylight savings, at 02:00 this morning, so good timing 😛 :+ 😀

Scattered Intelligence Agency:- www.portalpcs.com/intel

RE: Jokes about your own Nationality/Country!!

[updated:LAST EDITED ON 26-10-02 AT 07:21 PM (GMT)]Heres one, not that good, have heard it thrown around alot.

There was an English man, an Irish man and a Scots man. One day they were all walking up the side of a mountain only to come across this cave in the side of it. The Engish man walked in a saw a rock with a Marmite slice on it. He walked up to the rock and picked up the slice, getting himself ready to eat it, then from out of no-where a voice said, “DON’T EAT THAT SLICE”. Well this scared the English man half to death, so he ran from the cave.

The Scots man, went in to see what was so frightening, he to saw the slice, and thought it looked good enough to eat, so he did the same as the English man, only the voice again said “DON’T EAT IT!”. He ran with a real fright.

Finally the Irish man went in and he too saw the slice, like the others, and he picked it up and swallowed it in one. The voice then said, “I warned you once, even twice, I wiped my ass on that marmite slice!”

😛 Hope you liked it.

RE: Jokes about your own Nationality/Country!!

Incredible!!! We, here in Brazil, have the same joke but instead of a Greek and a Turkish, we do say it’s a Brazilian and an Argentinan who are in the train!!! But there is no fat woman in the train, there is a sound of smack so after this the sound of a slap, and the Brazilian dont smack the Argentinan; he kiss his hand and then slap the Argentinan’s face.

Regards,
Junin