Left or Right, what's the difference??

I AM slowly figuring out the tricks to avoid seeming Right-wing. This is important, because we all know Right-wing means nasty.
Right-wingers, for instance, are killjoys who tell us divorce tends to hurt children. They warn that we play with fire while our culture celebrates violence and sleaze. They complain that authority just doesn’t have respect now. I realise now that to say such things does you no good at all. Or rather, to say such things in this way just makes you look an idiot.
But – good news! – several groups who tend to the Left have shown me how to sound the same warnings without losing ideological cred.
Teacher unions and principal associations, for example, now warn us that violence against teachers is rising, so much so that some teachers have self-defence lessons.
Raging parents are “causing havoc” What is the answer? An “awareness campaign” and training for staff, says the new union, Safety and Security in Schools Advisory Committee.
Then the Catholic Education Commission waved around funky Melbourne University research that shows schools are battling a surge in student welfare woes, much of it caused by divorce, drugs and “defiant behaviours” – aka rudeness, thanks to slack parenting. Answer? Cash for counselling and the like.
It’s cute that so many experts still think a bit of counselling, lessons in “appropriate behaviours” and slick ads on TV will fix the sick results of our new two-fingers culture of selfishness and subversion.
But let me not quibble with the “solutions”. It’s enough for today that we agree on the problems. I guess that makes us all Left-wingers now. Or is it Right-wingers? I forget.