[updated:LAST EDITED ON 26-07-02 AT 08:56 PM (GMT)]I know, I shouldn’t post this. Hope this is not too offensive.
LOL
English phrase Chinese translation
Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man Dum Gai
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high! No Bai Dam Ting!
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift Chin Tu Fat
It’s very dark in here Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright Yu So Dum
I got this for free Ai No Pei
I am not guilty Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight Lei Lo
He’s cleaning his car Wa Shing Moh Ta
Your body odor is offensive Hu Man Go! Pew!
This bathroom stinks! Hu Flung Dung?
================================================================
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and
Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
“Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be
British.”
“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful.
Clearly, they are French.”
“You are both wrong,” the Russian points out, “No clothes, no shelter,
they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is
paradise. They are Russian.”
======================================================================
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small
town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
Ventriloquist: “Hey, good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?”
New Zealander: “The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie.”
Ventriloquist: “Hey dog, how’s it going old mate?”
Dog: “Doin’ alright.”
The New Zealander is shocked!
Ventriloquist: “Is this Kiwi your owner?”
Dog: “Yep.”
Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and
takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
The New Zealander can’t believe his ears!
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
New Zealander: “The horse doesn’t talk.”
Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”
Horse: “No worries.”
The New Zealander’s mouth is agape.
Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?”
Horse: “Yep.”
Ventriloquist: “How’s he treat you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
elements.”
The New Zealander is TOTALLY amazed!
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
New Zealander: “The sheep’s a liar.”
====================================================================
A South African, an Aussie, and a Londoner were sitting in a pub
having a pint of beer.
The South African grabs his beer, downs it, throws his glass into the
air, draws a handgun and shoots the glass in mid-air. He grins to the
other two, puts the gun down on the bar and shouts, “In Souff Efrika
ve hef zo many glissez ve never drink out of ze zame gliss twice.”
The Aussie then downs his beer throws his glass into the air, grabs
the gun off the bar, shoots the glass, puts the gun back on the bar
and belches. “Ay mate, in Oz we have so much bloody saaand which makes
glaaass reeeally cheap so we too never drink out of the same glaaass
twice.”
The Londoner looks at the two of them, finishes his beer, puts the
glass down on the bar, picks up the gun, shoots both the Aussie and
the South African and says, “In London we have so many bloody South
Africans and Aussies that we never have to drink with the same ones
twice.”
http://www.fortunecity.co.uk/meltingpot/jinx/399/jokes/Countries/China/…
http://www.fortunecity.co.uk/meltingpot/jinx/399/jokes/Countries/Europe…
By: Merlin3945 - 31st July 2002 at 22:47
RE: Middle East
[updated:LAST EDITED ON 31-07-02 AT 10:48 PM (GMT)]Does anyone know how copper wire was invented.
Two Scotsmen fighting over a penny.
_______________________________________________
A Scotman drops a penny and he bent over so fast to catch it that it hit him on the back of the head.
_____________________________________________________________________
A man walks into a bar and orders a pint and asks the bartender where the toilet is. The barman says just past the cigarette machine and to the left. As he passes the cigarette machine the machine starts shouting and swearing and giving abuse to the guy. After coming out of the toilet the same happens so he goes to the barman and tells him his cigarette machine is “OUT OF ORDER”
Merlin
By: Merlin3945 - 31st July 2002 at 22:37
RE: Naughty humour
>The Australian Prime Minister, John Howard was in England
>meeting the
>Queen at Balmoral. They were discussing Australia and
>Howard’s plans
>for the future.
Good jokes Geoforce just a damn shame that Balmoral is in Scotland.
Regards Merlin
By: Arabella-Cox - 29th July 2002 at 06:04
RE: Middle East
A young Aussie wanted to expand his horizons… after all Australia has a rather short written history compared to the rest of the world so he decided to go to Ireland.
When he arrived he found an enormous pub and was intrigued to read a plaque on the door stating the pub was 800 years old. He went into the pub and found there were about 200 men that looked like they were as old as the pub. They were quite friendly and gladly let him buy them drinks for a chat.
After a few minutes of quite chatting one old man stands up and shouts out “2,453!”.
The Aussie thinks this is strange and asks the old man next to him what was happening. The old fellow explained that it was a joke telling competition that was started when the pub was first built… a tradition that has gone on so long that everyone is so familiar with the jokes that are told they now just refer to them by number.
That is interesting the Aussie thinks and for teh rest of the night about every 10-15 minutes someone would shout out a number to which everyone would roar with laughter.
The Aussie thought this was quite amusing but found it interupted his chatting with those around him… he was learning a great deal about the region and its history and he found it facinating.
At about 2:30am he started to notice that many patrons were not looking at him in the friendly manner they did when he first arrived and finally one of them stood up and said “Well how about a joke from our new guest?”.
Having not listened to the (to him meaningless) numbers that hade been regularly called out he decided to shout “25,351”.
For half a second there was a hushed silence then the whole place went mad with laughter… many were rolling around on the floor with tears in their eyes.
After about 5 minutes the laughter began to die down a little andthe Aussie asked the guy next to him why they thought his joke was so funny.
The guy next to him replied “They haven’t heard that one before…”.
By: Arabella-Cox - 28th July 2002 at 12:08
RE: Middle East
[updated:LAST EDITED ON 28-07-02 AT 12:13 PM (GMT)]One day a platoon of 30 Pakistani soldiers were on patrol at the Indo – Pak border in west Rajasthan sector,when they come upon an Indian soldier relaxing on top of a small sand hill.
The indian soldier puts his hands on his hips and screams out, ‘Oye!Any of you think you’re man enough to take me on?’.The biggest Pakistani comes running up the hill, screaming back at the Indian. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight.
There is the sound of a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet.Soon, the Indian reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers, ‘Well, looks to me like one of you couldn’t do it, how about the rest all toghter?’
The enraged pakistani team leader sends his entire platoon, all 30 men, charging after the indian soldier. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill.After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Pakistani crawls over the top of the hill.
The Paki platoon leader yells up to his man, ‘What’s going on up there?’The wounded Pakistani soldier, with his last bit of breath, replies, ‘Sir, it’s a . ……
…………………a trap, sir. There’s two of them!’
—————————————————————–
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C. The Russians used a pencil.
By: ad0nis - 27th July 2002 at 23:17
Middle East
[updated:LAST EDITED ON 27-07-02 AT 11:22 PM (GMT)] squad of American soldiers was patrolling…
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.
“Well,” he whispered, “I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, ‘Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'”
“He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, ‘George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'”
“We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us.” [Trooper]
———————————————————-
Hit TV Shows in Iraq
“Husseinfeld”
“Mad About Everything”
“U.S. Military Secrets Revealed”
“Suddenly Sanctions”
“Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest”
“Matima Loves Chachi”
“Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs”
“Wheel of Fortune and Terror”
“Iraq’s Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers”
“Achmed’s Creek”
“The Price is Right If Saddam Says It’s Right”
“M*U*S*T*A*S*H”
“Veronica’s Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses”
“Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque”
“When Kurds Attack”
“Just Shoot Me”
“My Two Baghdads”
“Diagnosis Heresy”
“Everybody Loves Saddam Or He’ll Have Them Shot”
“Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things”
“Totally Clothed Baywatch”
—————————————————
I apologise for any offence this may cause!!
What is funnier then a dead Osama bin Laden?
A dead Osama bin Laden in a clown suit.
——————————————————-
The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, “Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit!”
[Cyprus][Cyprus][Cyprus][Cyprus]
—————————————————————
tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull’s testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made.
The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies, ”Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins”.
[Clown][Clown][Clown]
By: Arabella-Cox - 27th July 2002 at 19:03
RE: From the subcontinent
Hope this does’nt offend,(Advance apologies if so)
An Italian’s tale:
I’ma come here to a hotel. I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waiter I wanna two piss toast. He bringa me only onea piss. I tella him I wanna two piss–he say, “Go to the toilet.” I say, “You no unnerstan’. I wanna two piss ona my plate.” He say, “You better no piss ona da plate you sonna ma bitch.” I don’t even know the man and he calla me sonna ma bitch!!
Later, I go to eata soma dinner at another restaurant. The waitress bringa spoon, ana knife, but no fock. I say, “I wanna fock.” She tella me everbody wanna fock. I say, “You no unnerstan’. I wanna fock on the table.” She say, “You better not fock on the table you sonna ma bitch.” I don’t even know the woman an’ she calla me sonna ma bitch!
So I go back to my hotel, an’ there’s no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager an’ tell him I wanna sheet on the bed. He say, “You better not sheet on the bed you sonna ma bitch.” I don’t even know the man an’ he calla me sonna ma bitch!
So I go to check out and the man at the desk, he say, “Peace to you.” I say, “Piss onna you too you sonna ma bitch!!” I go back to Italy!
By: Arabella-Cox - 27th July 2002 at 18:45
From the subcontinent
[updated:LAST EDITED ON 27-07-02 AT 06:48 PM (GMT)]Nawaz Sherrif comes to Delhi for a meeting with Vajpayee. After dinner, Vajpayee says to Nawaz Sherrif: “Well Nawaz, I don’t know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant.”
“How do you know?” asks Nawaz Sherrif
“Oh well, it’s simple”, says Atal. ” They all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second”. He calls Advani over and says to him
“Tell me Advaniji, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?”
“Ah, that’s simple”, says Advani, “it is me!”
“Well done Advani”, says Vajpayee and Nawaz Sherrif is very impressed.
He returns to Islamabad and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet. He calls in his favourite member of cabinet and asks:
“Tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister? ”
He thinks and thinks and doesn’t know the answer.
“Can I think about it a bit further Nawaz ? May I let you know tomorrow? “
“Of course”, says Nawaz Sherrif , “you’ve got 24 hours.”
He goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his Cabinet Secretary, Chief Secretaries and Joint Secretaries, but no-one knows the answer.
Twenty hours later, the member of Nawaz’s cabinet is very worried still no answer and only 4 hours to go. Eventually he says:
“I’ll ask Benazer, she’s clever, she’ll know the answer.”
He calls Benazer.
“Benazir”, he says, “tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?”
“Very simple”, says Benazir, “it’s me!”
“Of course” says the Cabinet member and rings Nawaz Sherrif.
“Nawaz”, says he, “I’ve got the answer: it’s Benazer Bhutto”.
“No, you idiot”, says Nawaz Sherrif, “it’s Advani”.
____________________________________________________________
Once Vajpayee on an invitation went to Pakistan. After a round of talks, both sit down to drink a little and get into a discussion.
VAJPAYEE: I hear you have a lot of drunks in Pakistan.
SHARIEF: Not so! That’s India’s infidel propaganda!
VAJPAYEE: No, I’m sure of it. You have a lot of drunks!
SHARIEF: Nonsense. I’ll prove it. You can go out at any hour of the night tonight, and I’ll give you an AK-47. If you see any drunk you can kill him!
VAJPAYEE: Ahhh! Very good…
That night, at 1 am, Vajpayee decides to go out. Sharief phones ISI, and instructs them to get all the drunks off the street. So Vajpayee & Sharief go cruising around Islamabad, Vajpayee carrying the AK-47 in his lap.
They drive for two hours – and not a single drunk. Vajpayee is in the throes of despair, and they are about to head back in, when he spots one lone drunk – staggering everywhere – who has escaped the dragnet.
Vajpayee rolls down the window and blows the guy away.
Three months later, Sharief comes to India, and after negotiating with Vajpayee – they head for drinks again.
SHARIEF: Atal, I hear you Indians are a bunch of drunks.
VAJPAYEE: Not true. We’re hard working people.
SHARIEF: That’s not what I heard. I want the same deal I gave you, machine gun and all. At 1:00.
So Vajpayee calls the police and the CBI and tells them to get all the drunks off the road. The two of them go cruising around in an ambi, Sharief with a machine gun on his lap. Three hours – absolutely nothing.
Sharief was tired and says, “Okay, Atal, you win. I’m tired. Let’s go home.”
Suddenly, as they’re heading back, they see a group of 10 people walking down the street, blitzed out of their minds.
Elated, Sharief rolls down the window and blows them all away.
Headline next morning in Times of India:
‘FANATIC KILLS ENTIRE STAFF OF PAKISTAN EMBASSY.’
By: ad0nis - 27th July 2002 at 09:59
RE: GeForce
Great jokes guys i’ll try and dig up some of me own but havin said that most of them were my own!!.[:)s]
By: Arabella-Cox - 27th July 2002 at 03:08
RE: GeForce
My fav Kiwi joke is about a real Kiwi, but first I’ll tell you a Panda Bear Joke.
A Panda Bear walks into a bar and orders a large meal.
On finishing the meal he whips out a pistol and shoots the piano player.
He gets up and is about to leave when the manager stands up from behind the bar and says “What the hell did you do that for?”
The Panda looks him in the eye and says “I’m a Panda Bear look it up.”
So the Manager gets a dictionary and looks up Panda Bear and the entry on Panda Bears reads:
Panda Bear: Large black and white bear native of Asia.
Eats shoots and leaves.
A couple of days later the manager hears strange noises coming from the bar and when he goes down to see what is going on he sees a Kiwi leaving the room. He also sees that the barmaid seems to have been satisfied and the are 6 empty plates on the bar.
The Bar manager says “What has happened here?”
The Kiwi replies “I’m a Kiwi… look it up.”
So the Manager looks up Kiwi and finds the following entry:
Kiwi: small flightless bird native to New Zealand.
Eats roots and leaves.
By: ink - 27th July 2002 at 00:10
RE: GeForce
Good one about Aussies and South Africans in London – more a statement of fact than a joke – still made me laugh though.
By: Glenn - 26th July 2002 at 23:59
GeForce
The Kiwi/Aussie one was good. Been born in NZ and now living in OZ, it has more impact, very funny. 🙂
Regards, Glenn.
By: Rabie - 26th July 2002 at 23:23
RE: Naughty humour
😀 }> 😀 }> 😀 }> 😀
great jokes – last one is dfintely adult only
rabie :9
By: Geforce - 26th July 2002 at 21:19
RE: Naughty humour
[updated:LAST EDITED ON 26-07-02 AT 09:40 PM (GMT)]A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and
engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores
their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanised when she
hears one of the men say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come
again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come once-a-more.”
“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this
country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”
“Hey, cool-a down, lady,” said the man. “I’m-a just tellin my friend
how to spell-a Mississippi.”
===================================================================
An tourist walked into a traditional restaurant in Spain. When he got
the menu he realised that it was written in Spanish, so he looked
around and noticed someone on the next table eating a dish of
meatballs topped with a delicious-looking sauce.
When the waiter arrived he asked for the same dish.
“I am sorry, señor. That is a very special dish. You have to order it
a day in advance.”
So the tourist ordered it for the next day. When he returned the next
day he found that the dish he’d ordered had much smaller balls, and he
was really looking forward to enjoying his meal too.
“Waiter, how come the two balls in this dish are so small? The dish I
saw yesterday had two large balls.”
“I am sorry, señor. But sometimes the bull wins!”
=====================================================================
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Irishman are in a bar discussing how
stupid their wives are…
The Englishman says: “You know my wife must be the most stupid woman
on this planet. There was a sale down at the supermarket last week and
she bought 300 pounds worth of meat, and we don’t even have a
freezer.”
The Scotsman says: “That’s nothing, my wife went out last week and
bought a brand new car for 8000 pounds, and she can’t even drive.”
The Irishman says: “You think that’s stupid, I went home last week and
my wife told me that she’d booked herself a two week holiday in
Tenerife. I watched her packing her case and she took nearly 400
condoms with her, and she doesn’t even have a #####.”
THIS ONE IS 16 +
http://www.fortunecity.co.uk/meltingpot/jinx/399/jokes/Countries/Irelan…
By: Geforce - 26th July 2002 at 21:14
RE: Naughty humour
[updated:LAST EDITED ON 26-07-02 AT 09:19 PM (GMT)]The Australian Prime Minister, John Howard was in England meeting the
Queen at Balmoral. They were discussing Australia and Howard’s plans
for the future.
Howard asked the queen if it was possible to turn Australia into a
Kingdom to increase its force in the world market. The Queen replied,
“One needs a King for a Kingdom and you are most certainly not a
King.”
He then asks if it is possible to turn Australia into an Empire. The
Queen replies, “For an Empire one needs an Emperor you are most
certainly not an Emperor.”
Howard thinks for a moment and then asks if it is possible to turn
Australia into a principality. The Queen replies, “For a principality
one needs a Prince and you Mr. Howard are certainly not a prince.”
The Queen adds further, “Without meaning to be rude Mr. Howard I think
Australia should remain as a country.”
By: Dazza - 26th July 2002 at 21:00
RE: Naughty humour
Most excellent.
Regards, Dazza.
Sign In
July 26, 2002 at 8:37 pm