Post a joke!

RE: Am I the only one posting jokes????

Those are so funny. Here are some others:

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”

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A man goes to the doctor and says that he has a social problem. “No women seems to want to date me”, he tells the doctor. The docor tells him that he has Ed Zachary disease. “What is Ed Zachary disease?”, questions the man. “It is when your face looks Ed Zachary like your ass”, replies the doc.

——————–

A mother and her son were flying “Southwest Airlines” from Kansas
to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The mother (who couldn’t think ofan answer) told her son to ask the
stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby
dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The stewardess asked, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?” He said
that his mother had. So the stewardess said, “Tell your mother that
Southwest always pulls out on time.”

——————–

DRINKING BUDDIES

A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York. It’s fogged in and they have nothing to do.

One of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?”

The other one says, “Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz.”
So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.

The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn’t. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!

The phone rings. It’s his buddy. The buddy says, “Hey, how do you feel?”

“Great”, he said! “Just great”! The buddy says, “Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!

“Yeah, we could, but there’s just one thing . . . ”

“What’s that?”

“Did you fart yet?”

“No . . . ”

“Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in Phoenix.”

Hope you like them

Kelly

Am I the only one posting jokes????

David Beckham was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. Posh wanted
a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was very reluctant to pay the
high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the ‘no haggle’ attitude of one of
the shopkeepers, David shouted, ‘Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my
own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!’
The shopkeeper said, ‘By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!’

Determined, David and Posh turned and headed for the swamps, set on
catching an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots Becks
standing waist-deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, David
sees a huge, 9ft alligator swimming quickly toward him. He takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper
watches in amazement. Just then, Beckham flips the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts out,

‘Bo***cks, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!’

The rabbit and the snake

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an
orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
“Oh, my,” said the bunny, “I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve been blind since birth, so, I can’t see where I’m going. In fact, since I’m also an orphan, I don’t even know what I am.”
“It’s quite OK,” replied the snake. “Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you’ll have that going for you.”
“Oh, that would be wonderful,” replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said,
“Well, you’re covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I’d say that you must be a bunny rabbit.”
“Oh, thank you! Thank you,” cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake,
“Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way you’ve helped me.” So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked,
“Well, you’re scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I’d say you must be either an accountant, or possibly someone in senior management.”

holy golf!

Moses, Jesus and some old guy are playing golf together. They come to a par three with a beautiful lake guarding the green.

Moses tees up and smacks one right into the middle of the lake. He raises his arms, parts the lake, finds his ball and hits it onto the green.

Jesus tees off next and hits his drive right into the lake also. He walks across the water, his ball floats up to the surface of the lake and he hits it onto the green.

Next up is the old geezer. He smacks his ball right towards the lake, but as it is going in, a fish jumps up and snags the ball just as a pelican swoops down and grabs the fish. As the pelican is flying over the green it is struck by a bolt of lightning, which causes it to drop the fish on the green where the ball rolls out of it’s mouth and into the hole.

Jesus looks over to the old man and says “Bloody hell Dad, can’t you play golf like everybody else?!”

stealing a wig

While my friend was working as a
receptionist for an eye surgeon, a
very angry woman stormed up to her
desk. “Someone stole my wig while
I was having surgery yesterday,”
she complained.

The doctor came out and tried to
calm her down. “I assure you that
no one on my staff would have done
such a thing,” he said. “Why do
you think it was taken here?”

“After the operation, I noticed
the wig I was wearing was
cheap-looking and ugly.”

“I think” explained the surgeon
gently, “that means your cataract
operation was a success.”

Who’s got it right? Welcome to the RAT race

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. A tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

“Not very long,” answered the Mexican.

“Well, then, why didn’t you stay out longer and catch
more?” asked the tourist.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was
sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The tourist asked, “But what do you do with the rest
of your time?” “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children,
and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the
village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the
guitar, and sing a few songs…I have a full life.”

The tourist interrupted, “I’m a Management Consultant
and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every
day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the
extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra
money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a
third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of
trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can
negotiate directly with the processing plants and
maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little
village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York
City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise.”

“How long would that take?” asked the Mexican.

“Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,” replied the tourist.

“And after that?”

“Afterwards? That’s when it gets really interesting,”
answered the tourist, laughing. “When your business
gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make
millions!”

“Millions? Really? And after that?”

“After that you’ll be able to retire, live in a tiny
village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children,
catch a few fish, take siestas with your wife, and spend your
evenings drinking and enjoying your friends.”

Another Panda joke

I like the Panda joke by Preston. I’ve heard a very similar one, but with a different twist.

A Panda visits a prostitute and asks if he can perform oral sex on her. The prostitute agrees and the Panda goes ahead. When he’s finished the Panda gets up and walks out. The prostitute yells: “Hey, you forgot to pay”. The Panda walks back in, takes a dictionary from the shelf and looks up Panda: “A Panda is an animal that eats bush and leaves”.

RE: Post a joke!

its one of my favorite jokes, glad you like it… try this one…

King Arthur was getting ready to go on a crusade. He was worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he’d see if he could come up with something. A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt… except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. ‘This is no good, Merlin!’ the king exclaimed, ‘Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?’ ‘Ah, sire, just observe.’ said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. ‘Merlin, you are a genius!’ said the grateful monarch, ‘Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.’ After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a crusade. Several years passed before he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ‘short arm’ inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Lancelot. ‘Sir Lancelot,’ exclaimed King Arthur, ‘The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!’ Lancelot, however, kept his mouth closed and said nothing…

RE: Post a joke!

domin, that is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
true

RE: Post a joke!

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces
height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts,
“Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an
hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below says, “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering
approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees
North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist.

“I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I am still lost.”

The man below says, “You must be a manager.”

“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going.
You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect
me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you
were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”

RE: Post a joke!

Not long after the marriage, Jack and his
father met for lunch.

“Well son,” asked the dad, “how is married
life treating you?”

“Not very well, I’m afraid. It seems that
I married a nun.”

“A nun??” his father exclaimed.

“That’s right. None in the morning, none
at night and none unless I beg.”

The father nodded knowingly, and patted
his son on the back. “Why don’t we all
get together for a nice talk tonight?”

Toms face brightened. “Say Dad, that’s
a great idea.”

“Fine. I’ll call and tell Mother Superior
to set two extra plates.”

RE: Post a joke!

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the pretty girl
said, “I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”

“Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk.

“That’s fine,” said the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the
clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped
it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to
the old lady standing beside her, and smiled,

“Grandma will pay the bill.”

RE: letter to the troops….

hehe i agree…..waayy over the line }>

RE: letter to the troops….

Oh man, elp, now you just crossed the line. :+

letter to the troops….

[updated:LAST EDITED ON 13-04-02 AT 09:05 PM (GMT)]Open letter to the U.S. Navy serving abroad from school children. One example:

Dear U.S. Sailor,

My class is supposed to send you sailors defending our country a nice letter. My teacher says you need our support. My daddy is away fighting the war too. We miss him. We pray a lot. Mommy prays a lot in her room. I hear her all the time praying “Oh God… Oh God… Yes… Yes… !” I haven’t learned that prayer yet. I hope your family does lots of praying for you.

your friend,

Cindy

RE: Post a joke! – For those with problems !!

Women, can’t live with them… Pass the beer-nuts.

RE: Post a joke! – For those with problems !!

Couldnt resist posting this …..for all those with problems

D o you think life is bad? If you think life is bad…..

How would you like to be an egg?

You only get laid once.

You only get eaten once.

It takes four minutes to get hard.

Only two minutes to get soft.

You share your box with 11 other guys

But worst of all…the only chick that ever sat on your
face was your mother!!!

So cheer up, Your life ain’t that bad!!!!

RE: Post a joke!

Here’s one from me.

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asks softly, stroking his face with both
hands. “Actually, no” the man replies.

“Can you get him for me?” she asks. “I need to speak to him,” she
says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t but is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message” she continues
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and
allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to say.

“Tell him”, she whispers, “There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.”

RE: Post a joke!

two bit of black tarmac go into a pub and order a pint each. They then sit down and talk. The tarmac then order another pint each but this time the bar tender talks to them. He ask how they are getting on and they say fine but he shouldnt really talk to them as they are a couple of hard bits of tar. “see us we are really hard in fact you wouldnt want to see the face of the last guy who messed with us”
however the drink their pints and order another round exclaiming how tough and hard they are. just then a red piece of tarmac walks in and the two black pieces duck away into a corner and lie there hideing in the corner shaking in their boots until the red one drinks his pint and leaves.

The bar tender say this and asked why they were so afraid them being tough and all. the reply was ” yes we are tough but he is a Cycle path”

I know crap joke but then again I can tell somebody this joke and get a laugh.

RE: Post a joke!

😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀

rabie :9