Slightly naughty joke!

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. “There ain’t no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.
“What in hell am I doing?” he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “If you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before you can go!”
“Last week my wife ran off with a cop,” the man said, “and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Have a nice night”, said the officer.

WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”
HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”
WIFE: “Why not – don’t you like being married?”
HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”
WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
HUSBAND: “Okay, I’d get married again.”
WIFE: “You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).”
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
WIFE: “Would she use my golf clubs?”
HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.”
WIFE: – – – silence – – –
HUSBAND: “****.”

Ms Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. While touring a reservation during the documentary she was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses.
So she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress, his reply was: “Me only have one woman. One woman … one feather.”
Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another brave. This brave had two feathers in his headdress and he replied: Me have two women. Two women … two feathers.”
Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief.
Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers. Which, needless to say amused Ms.Walters. She asked the Chief, “Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?”
The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: “Me Chief, me ****’em all. Big, small, fat and tall, me ****’em all.”
Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, “You ought to be hung.”
The Chief said: “You damn right me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake.”
Ms. Walters cried, “You don’t have to be so hostile.”
The Chief replied: “Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style…me ****’em all.”
With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried,”Oh dear.”
The Chief said: “No deer. As$ too high, run too fast.”

Shower revisited

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to whites and coloureds. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror.
Make mental note to do more sit ups.
Get in shower, use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash hair again to make sure it’s clean.
Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 mins.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 mins until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower, squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Exit Mould.
Get out off shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country & wrap head in super
absorbant towel. Check entire body for spots, tweeze >>>hairs.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way cover any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN.

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed & leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake knob at her making Woo-Woo sound.
Look at manly physique in the mirror.
Admire size of knob and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Make huge fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how they sound in the shower.
Spend majority of the time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your ass leaving the coarse hairs stuck in the soap.
Shampoo hair.
Make shampoo mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of the shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on the floor.
Admire size of knob in the mirror again.
Leave shower door open, wet mat on the floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make Woo-Woo noise again.
Throw wet towel on bed!

A salesman on business in Vegas is in a bar. He is talking to a pretty woman for about a half hour when he realizes she is a hooker.
“I’ll give you $200 for a crap blow job,” he says.
“Honey,” she replies, “for $200 I’ll give you the blow job of a lifetime!” “You don’t understand,” he says, “I’m not horny, just homesick.”

A guy has been having problems with his wife’s org@sm. He just can’t get her to a screaming org@sm.

So he goes to a therapist who suggests that the wife needs cool air blown over her during their love making. The therapist tells the man to hire a young man to wave a towel over the bed while he and his wife make love.

So the man hires a strapping young guy from his local gym to waft a towel while he and his wife make l0ve. Nothing happens. She’s unmoved.

The guy returns to the therapist who tentatively suggests the man switches places during his next session with the young guy and see what happens.

During the next lovemaking session the man is getting nowhere with his wife. Quickly he gets up, swaps places with the young guy and takes over the waving of the towel to cool her as they go at it.

Minutes later, his wife comes, big time.

Triumphantly, the man grabs the young guy’s shoulder, turns him over and looking down at him, beaming from ear to ear, hands him back the towel, and says, “Now that’s the way you wave a f*cking towel!!”

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs
up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks, “What would you like Santa to bring
you for Christmas?” The little girl replies, “I want a Barbie and
Action Man.” Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says,
“I thought Barbie comes with Ken.” “No,” said the little girl. “She
comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken.”

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum. “Friends, Romans Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious.”

The crowd are up on their feet “Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar”.

In the background, Brutus turns to his mate and says “Caesar doesn’t half talk some rubbish eh? He couldn’t fight his way out of a wet parchment bag.”

Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. “Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls”.

The crowd is up on their feet again. “Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar”.

Brutus once again turns to his mate “I’m sick of his bulls**t. I’m off to France to check this out.” So Brutus sets off for France.

Three weeks later he comes back to Rome,just as Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again. Caesar is giving his usual patter to the assembled throng, “Friends, Romans Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*****s out!”

The crowd is up on their feet. “Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar”

Brutus jumps up and shouts, “Caesar, you are exposed as a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I’ve been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!”

The crowd is stunned and all sit down in silence. Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says…

“Brutus, you are forgetting one thing…………. Away Gauls count double in Europe.”

This joke has been censored for the use of certain Anglo Saxon words…

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Mick says to Paddy, “Dats Dem!” The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help. “Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere”, says Mick.”Put dem in a pepper bag”. The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave.
They get into Mick’s van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 300 foot drop. “Dis looks loike a real grand place,” says Mick. He then takes the four birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a ‘Splat!’ As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says “Nah, forget dat, dis budgie jumping is too flippin dangerous for me…”
A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and he’s carrying the familiar ‘pepper bag’. He then pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.
“Watch this Paddy,” he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot’s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is another ‘Splat!’ and he joins Mick at the bottom of the cliff. Paddy shakes his head and says, “An’ oim never troyin’ that parrotshooting noider…”
After a few minutes, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his ‘pepper bag’. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head – “Flip me Sean, first der was Mick wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting – and now you, – flippin’ hengliding.”

Never said it had been censored for taste, though…

Flood.

My contribution :

How many marxists do you need to change a light bulb ?

None , because the revolution is inside the bulb!!!:D 😀

Potential & Reality

Potential & Reality

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. “Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I’ll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you’ve learned.”

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. “Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?”

“Don’t tell your father, but yes, I would.”

He then goes to his sister’s room. “Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?”

She replies, “Omigod! Definitely!”

The kid goes back to his father. “Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts.”

Telephone answering machine message
“…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…”

——————————————————————–

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

——————————————————————–

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find
any.

——————————————————————–

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

——————————————————————–

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong
currant.

——————————————————————–

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
“Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.

——————————————————————–

I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.

——————————————————————–

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak
and heat it.

——————————————————————–

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

——————————————————————–

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”

——————————————————————–

“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. “
“Is it common? “
“It’s not unusual.”

——————————————————————–

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
“My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? “
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him”
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed? “
“No, because he’s really heavy”

——————————————————————–

Guy goes into the doctor’s.
“Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
“How’s that?”
“Don’t you start.”

——————————————————————–

Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!

——————————————————————–

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

——————————————————————–

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think
it’s Colin.

——————————————————————-

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me
a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for
it.’

——————————————————————–

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, “Your round.”
The other one says, “So are you, you fat bast**d!”

——————————————————————–

Two prostitutes standing on a street corner.
One says to the other, “Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
The other replies, “No, but I’ve been swung around by the boobs!”

——————————————————————-

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,the
other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

——————————————————————–

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’
So that was nice.”

——————————————————————–

A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several
places”
The doctor said, “Well don’t go there any more”

——————————————————————–

Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to
climb as digging continues into the night.
——————————————————————————–

A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells PIG!! The man immediately leans out his window and yells, BITCH!!

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.

………..If only men would listen.
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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. “Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?” “There is three colours”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”
“What colour are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course”, says the man proudly. The wife responds really, “Why don’t you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!”.

———————————————————————————

There once was a man who was so proud of the fact that he had six kids that he insisted on calling his wife “Mother of Six.” His wife hated his name and asked him repeatedly not to call her that. But he was a stubborn man and was very proud that he had six kids.

One evening they were at a dinner party given by his company, and it was getting close to the time that they should be leaving. The husband yelled to his wife from across the room, “Mother of Six, are you ready to go?” Annoyed with his question, she yelled back, “In a minute, Father of Four!”
———————————————————————————-

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve it for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won’t eat if they know what it is – so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, “what’s for supper?”. “You’ll see”, says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they are eating.
“Ok” says her dad, “here’s a hint, it’s what your mother sometimes calls me.”

“we’re eating asshole!!”, she screams.

A guy in a bar one night got really drunk, really, really drunk. When the bar closed, he got up unsteadily to go home. As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking along. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. The nun was really surprised, but before she could do or say anything, he punched her again, and this time she fell down.
He stumbled over to her and kicked her, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and could barely move. So he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and Whispered…….

“Not so tough tonight are you, Batman?”

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
“No. What did that stupid ****e do this time?” says the guy.
“Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole” says the bartender.
“Yeah, well I hope it kills the ****** because he’s been driving me nuts” says the guy.
The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
“Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.
“What now?” responds the guy.
“Well, he stuck a peanut up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it” says the bartender.

“Well, what do you expect?” replied the patron. “Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!!!”

EN830

Excellant…….I’m still pi$$ing myself….O’oops there goes another cracked rib!

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting in a cafe, the little old man says, “Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went around the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind.”
“Why, yes, I remember it well, dear,” replies the little old lady with a grin. “Well”, said the little old man, “for old time’s, let’s go there again, and I’ll give you one from behind.”

Without them knowing, the young man sitting next to them had overheard the conversation and smiled to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see the two old pensioners at it.

He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knicks and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady’s hips, the little old lady reaches for the fence.

What follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic s*x the young man has ever seen. The little old man is b@nging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don’t move for an hour. The young man is stunned. Never in his life has he seen anything that equates to this not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, “I have to know his secret. If only I could sh@g like that now, let alone in 50 years time!”

By this time the two pensioners have recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the young man approaches the pensioners. He says:

“Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody sh@g like that, particularly at your age. What’s your secret? Could you sh@g like that 50 years ago?”

The pensioner replies, “Son, 50 years ago, that f*ck!ng fence wasn’t electrified!”

Originally posted by SOC
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

That reads like the sort o crap spelling my two sons would have been allowed to get away with if my wife hadn’t sorted it out with their english teacher. What annoyed both of us(she told me later) was the he had the cheek to say that it was the content that mattered well I agree with what she said. When we were at school the content mattered but you were marked down for bad grammar, incorrect spelling and punctuation and untidiness

SOC – That’s cool!!!! I never thought about that before… but it’s amazing that that jumble of letters is still readable!!!!!

Originally posted by ad0nis
Ageorge i never posted a thread about my accident! 🙂

I never said you did post the thread 🙂 , I said “there was a thread ” posted , I couldn’t remember who posted it , good to see you back any way 🙂

Ageorge i never posted a thread about my accident! 🙂