Anyone else have any better maintainance logs than these:
Problem: “Something loose in cockpit.”
Solution: “Something tightened in cockpit.”
Problem: “Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.”
Solution: “Evidence removed.”
Problem: “Number three engine missing.”
Solution: “Engine found on right wing after brief search.”
Problem: “DME volume unbelievably loud.”
Solution: “Volume set to more believable level.”
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.
Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That’s what they’re there for.
Problem: “Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.”
Solution: “Almost replaced left inside main tire.”
Problem: “Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.”
Solution: “Autoland not installed on this aircraft.”
Problem #1: “#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.”
Solution #1: “#2 Propeller seepage normal.”
Problem #2: “#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.”
Problem: “The autopilot doesn’t.”
Signed off: “IT DOES NOW.”
By: Barnowl - 13th September 2004 at 13:56
Two members of the traffic police were out in the countryside with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 400 mph.
The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Tornado hurtled over their heads.
The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Tornado’s target-seeker had locked on to the ‘enemy’ radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack.
Luckily(?), the Tornado was operating unarmed.
By: Barnowl - 13th September 2004 at 10:26
A stormy flight aboard a Boeing aircraft; an off-duty airline stewardess is sitting next to a man in the grip of serious white-knuckle fever as he watches, through his porthole, the aircraft’s wing bending and bouncing in the tempest. The stewardess tries to reassure him; she works in the industry and flies all the time, she tells him. There is nothing to worry about; the pilots have everything under control.
“Madam,” he replies, “I am a Boeing engineer and we did not design this aircraft to do what it is doing.”
By: Melvyn Hiscock - 13th September 2004 at 09:37
Problem: Rat (Melv) found in cockpit.
Soloution: Cat installed.
Problem: I suspect a problem with the pitot.
Soloution: Suspect your correct.
Ho hum, you really don’t do yourself any favours do you Ruprecht?
No doubt you will be bleating soon that everyone has a go at you for no reason.
Do us all a favour and at least try and aspire to joining the food chain.
M
By: John C - 13th September 2004 at 09:19
A few more….
ATC: “Alpha Bravo Charlie… Say altitude.”
Pilot (feeling frisky): “Altitude.”
ATC: “Say ALTITUDE!”
Pilot: “ALTITUDE!”
ATC: “Say ‘Canceling IFR’.”
Pilot: “Level 8000”
22 November 1996 — Any More Complaints?
The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, “Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?” Without missing a beat the controller replied, “Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!”
15 November 1996 — What the…?!
PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said “Tower, this is United 586. We’ve got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first”. The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation!
8 November 1996 — Which Exit Did You Say That Was?
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing roll out after landing with his Approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: “American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.”
13 September 1996 — Mama Didn’t Raise No Fools!
Unknown Aircraft: “I’m f-king bored!”
Air Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!”
Unknown Aircraft: “I said I was f-king bored, not f-king stupid!”
Pilot: “Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000′ and 40 DME.”
Approach: “Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000′.”
Pilot: “Approach, 202’s unable that descent rate.”
Approach: “What’s the matter 202? Don’t you have speed brakes?”
Pilot: “Yup. But they’re for my mistakes. Not yours.”
Tower: “Aircraft on final, go around, there’s an aircraft on the runway!”
Pilot Trainee: “Roger” (pilot continues approach)
Tower: “Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!”!
Pilot Trainee: “Roger”
The trainee doesn’t react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and continues to the taxiway.
A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.
So, this one time he was approaching a field during the night time.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: “Guess who?”
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: “Guess where!”
Tower: “…and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach.”
Speedbird: “That’s correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right”
JC
By: Arabella-Cox - 12th September 2004 at 23:09
In his book, “Sled Driver”, SR-71/Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:
“I’ll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt
(his backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California, 13 miles
high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft,
as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn’t really control us,
they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for
a readout of its ground speed.”
“90 knots” Center replied.
Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same.
“120 knots,” Center answered.
“We weren’t the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day.. as almost
instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted,
“Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout.”
“There was a slight pause, then the response,
“525 knots on the ground, Dusty”.
Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this
was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my
backseater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become
a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison.
“Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?” There was a
longer than normal pause…. “Aspen, I show 1,742 knots.”
“No further inquiries were heard on that frequency”
~~~~~~~~~~
In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a
request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000 ft).
The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, “How
exactly do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?
The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, “We don’t plan to go up to
it, we plan to go down to it.”
He was cleared…
By: Arabella-Cox - 12th September 2004 at 23:01
and another:-
One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?” Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. You make one more landing like that and I’ll have enough parts for another one.” 🙂
By: Arabella-Cox - 12th September 2004 at 22:32
Couple of amusing ones lifted of PPRuNe…
1. Tornado suffers birdstrike on landing.
Pilot “I think I suffered a birdstrike. Did you see where it hit?”
Controller “Just below the beak but I think its alright.”
2. Very sharp station commander at morning brief.
“Mr A*******, the met man gave a moderate birdstrike risk up to 1700 ft. Why are you giving a risk to only 1500ft?”
“Ah Sir, our birds fly on QFE!”
By: skypilot62 - 12th September 2004 at 21:43
Student to approach: Request rejoin at Flight Level 3000
Approach: Suggest you contact Houston Approach
As heard at a well-known flying college airfield.
Very apocryphal Concorde story:
LHR Tower to Concorde (Speedbird 1234): Reduce speed 180 kts
Speedbird 1234: Roger, reduce speed 180kts.
Brief interlude….
LHR Tower: Speedbird 1234, reduce speed 170kts.
Speedbird 1234: Roger speed 170kts.
Another brief interlude……
LHR Tower: Speedbird 1234, reduce speed 160kts.
Speedbird 1234: Roger, speed 160kts.
Speedbird 1234’s Captain (bit disgruntled) to tower: Don’t you know what speed we stall at?
LHR Tower: No, but I’m sure if you ask your First Officer, he’ll know.
Would love it to be true, but probably not.
By: mike currill - 12th September 2004 at 20:38
When I joined the army he wasn’t even a cadet
By: Papa Lima - 11th September 2004 at 17:48
Maybe so, but I joined the RAF when Pontius was a pilot!
By: mike currill - 11th September 2004 at 17:42
Some of these have been around so long they’re older than my interest in aviation.
By: Papa Lima - 11th September 2004 at 07:51
Thanks for the suggestion, John C, I’ll cogitate for a while . . .
By: John C - 11th September 2004 at 01:00
Papa Lima, how about:
Unknown airfield with Cessna 150 circling, please state location.
That one always makes me grin 🙂
JC
By: Papa Lima - 10th September 2004 at 13:58
Barnowl, you’ve pinched my tag line! I’ll have to find a new one now Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!
By: Mark9 - 10th September 2004 at 13:55
Problem: Drunken child at keyboard.
Solution: Ridicule.
Ridicule is nothing to be scared of 😉 😉 Anna 😀 😀
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September 10, 2004 at 12:43 pm