Steve Young – The coat thread

I’m sure Steve faced moments like this in his IT career. Aplogies to those who’ve come across it before. While it may be an urban legend, I’m sure it’s come true since it’s origination, as human stupidity and computers haven’t changed that much.

“Xxxxxxx Customer Support; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with my computer.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in the program, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
“Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
“Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
“Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
“I can’t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle -it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”
“A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

* * * * *

Is that my coat? Really? And the door’s over there?

Why thank you, I can take a hint. Byeeee.

Yeah, we really do. It’ll be hard to fill your shoes.

Hey!! Surf Boy 😀 We Miss you loads 😉 Anna 😉

😀

A contemporary fable;

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender sees this and screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
The guy says “No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table… whole!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, “He eats everything in sight, the little git. Sorry. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff”.
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.
“No, what?” replies the guy. “Well, he stuck a cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me”, the guy replied. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first.”

thee aircraft engineers are at a trade fair, one from BAE, one from Embrear and another from Aerospatial, they were in the “gents” and having releaved themselves as the Embrear guy was thoughly scrubbing between his fingers he said ‘at embrear we are meticulous about everything we do’, the guy from Aerospatial was inspecting his fingernails after washing, he said ‘at Aerospatial quality control is everything’. the BAE guy pulled up his zip and said as walked out ‘at BAE we know enough not to pee on our bloody fingers!!!’.

Greg (coat on…………..gone)

Hi Guys, this was a joker told to me by a Aussie when I was on Norfolk Island ten years ago.

two Aussie are driving round New Zealand, when they come across a kiwi doing amenable thing to a sheep.
The two Aussie are disgusted by what they have seen. so they walk up to the kiwi , tap him on the shoulder and
say ‘ were we come from mate, we shear our sheep’. The kiwi replies ‘ We share our sheep with no one.’

I’ll get me coat…

Dave

😀
Not elocution, that’s how to speak properly, you funny little island person. It’s a lesson in how to use the right profanity. I think Austalia is quite high on the world tables of class invictive. ‘Darn’ lives in the same pathetic corner as ‘sugar’ ‘poot’ and ‘****e’ for coy swearing.

May I refer you to the publication Eric Partridge’s Dictionary of Slang and Unconventional English? A fine work full of lots of useful terms.

Oh, look it’s raining. I’ll get me coat…

*PS Sh1te gets taken out? Funny old world.

I can’t believe we are being given elocution lessons by an Aussie, what ever next ?????

god damn Pommy

This would be the hybrid – Setter 1/2 American 1/2 joke material?

god damn is Amorican, old bean. Aussie would be ‘”I reckion he’s a Pommie B@stard”.

———

The captain of the England Cricket team complained to the Captain of the Aussie team that one of the Aussies had called him a b@stard.

“We can’t have that mate.” said the Aussie Captain and took the English Captain into the Aussie Dressing room (not clever, but then he was an England Cricketer. You need a lot to screw in a lightbulb)

“What have you brought him in here for Skipper?” Said one of the players.

“He’s just complained to me” said the Aussie Captain “Which one of you b@stards called this b@astard a b@astard?”

I’ll get me tweed jacket.

Two Aussies, JDK and Setter are sat in the bar having a drink, when all of a sudden the bar door swings open and in walks a man in a pin striped suit, bowler hat, carrying a briefcase and a copy of the Financial Times

“Gee JDK”, says Setter “I reckon that bloke is a god damn Pommy”

“You could be right, but I’m willing to bet that he isn’t” replies JDK

“You’re on” Says Setter and strides across to the man.

“G’day mate, where’su from”

“Well actually my man, I’m from London England” says the chap

“Gud on ya mate, what ya doing out ere in the outback then” asks Setter

“Well actually I am a world famous taxidermist, and I have travelled the world stuffing every conceivable animal imaginable, however one that has eluded me is you native Kangaroo, so I have travelled here in order to fulfil my quest and stuff a Kangaroo”. Replies the man

“Well gud for ewes mate, enjoy your stay” Says Setter who promptly returns to his mate at the other end of the bar.

“What di say” asks JDK

“ He says he’s a taxi driver from London England, but don’t worry mate he’s out here to stuff a Kangaroo, so he’s one of the blokes” !!!!!

The priest in a small Irish village loved the c#ck and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.

But one Saturday night the c#ck went missing! The priest knew that c#ck fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, “Has anybody got a c#ck?”

All the men stood up.

“No, no,” he said, “that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a c#ck?”

All the women stood up.

“No, no,” he said, “that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a c#ck that doesn’t belong to them?”

Half the women stood up.

“No, no,” he said, “that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY c#ck?”

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

That’s brilliant, Ian! Certainly brightened my morning!

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, “Have you been in the service?”

“Yes,” he says. “I was in Korea for three years”

The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment” and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes 100%…a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.”

The interviewer tells the guy, “O.K. I can hire you right now.

The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow.

Come in at 10:00A.M.”

The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.”

“This is a government job” the interviewer says, “For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls…….no point in you coming in for that”

Dug out from my vaults:

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
>>The bartender looks at him and says, “But you’re a duck.”
>>”I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.
>>”And you talk!” exclaims the bartender.
>>”I see your ears are working,” says the duck, “Now can I have
>>my beer and my sandwich, please?”
>>”Certainly,” says the bartender, “sorry about that, it’s just we
>>don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this
>>way?”
>>”I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the
>>duck.
>>So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves.
>>This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to
>>town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the
>>bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.
>>”Marvelous!” says the ringleader, “get him to come see me.”
>>So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says,
>>”Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good
>>money!”
>>”Yeah?” says the duck, “Sounds great, where is it?”
>>”At the circus” says the bartender.
>>”The circus?” the duck enquires.
>>”That’s right,” replies the bartender.
>>”The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals?
>>With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?” asks
>>the duck.
>>”That’s right!” says the bartender.
>>The duck looks confused and asks: “What the **** do they want with
>>a plasterer?”

I’ll get me coat….

Yes please do.

> Saturday morning and Bob’s just about to tee off for a round of golf when
> he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the
> washing machine is coming round at noon. So Bob heads back to the
> clubhouse and phones home.
>
> ‘Hello,’ says a little girl’s voice.
>
> ‘Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,’ says Bob. ‘Is Mommy near the phone?’
>
> ‘No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.’
>
> After a brief pause, Bob says, ‘But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank,
> honey.’
>
> ‘Yes I do and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy.’
>
> ‘Okay, then. Here’s what I want you to do. Put the phone down, run
> upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and Uncle
> Frank that Daddy’s car’s just pulled up outside the house.’
>
> ‘Okay, Daddy.’
>
> A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. `Well I did
> what you said, Daddy.’
>
> ‘And what happened?’
>
> ‘Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran round and round
> screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell out the front window and
> now I think she’s dead.’
>
> ‘Oh my God… and what about Uncle Frank?’
>
> ‘He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and
> he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have
> forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit
> the bottom of the swimming pool and now he’s dead too.’
>
> There is a long pause, then Bob says, ‘Swimming pool. . . what swimming
> pool? Is this 555-**** ….?’

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog on the examination table.

The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.”

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black lab, the lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “£650.” “£650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaims the man.

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you £50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional £600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.”

OI who’s pinched me coat!!!!

Greg

Chap walks into a chippie and asks “Have you got any nails?”
Owner: “No sorry, this is a fish and chip shop”. Chap leaves.
The next day, the chap walks into the chippie and asks ” Have you got any nails?”. The owner says “No. I told you yesterday, this is a fish and chip shop. We don’t sell them.”. Chap leaves.
The following day, chap again walks into the chippie and asks the same question. The owner, by this time totally exasperated says “Look, I’ve told you every time you’ve been in here that we don’t sell nails, this is a fish and chip shop. If you come in and ask again, I’ll hammer your hands to the counter. Now sod off”. Chap leaves.
The next day, the chap walks in and asks the owner: “Have you got a hammer?”
“No, why?” says the owner.
“Have you got any nails?”

—————————————————————————

Two pieces of black tarmac are standing in a pub having a pint. They turn round and see a piece of red tarmac walk in. One says to the other: “Blimey, I’m not messing with him – he’s a cyclepath!”

Not sure where my coat is now……..

Hear about the chap who went to a fancy dress party with a mousetrap down the front of his trousers? Yep, he went as Hampton Court……………..

Didn’t bother to take my coat off……….