UK MoD Answerphone Message

Some time ago, someone posted a DoD answerphone message they had been sent. At the time I said I would try to find this one, and a friend was kind enough to e-mail it to me today.

MoD OFFICIAL VOICE MAIL MESSAGE:

Thank you for calling the Ministry of Defence. I’m sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message stating your country, name of organisation, the region, the specific crisis and a number at which we can reach you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Northern Ireland, the Millennium Bug, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory Equal Opportunities training, we will return your call.

Please speak after the tone or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers:

If your crisis is small and close to the call, press 1 for the Royal
Marines.

If your concern is distant with a tropical climate and good hotels and can be solved by one or two low level bombing runs, please press # for the Royal Air Force. Please note; this service is not available after 1630hrs or at weekends.

If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bot of grey funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write – well in advance – to the First Sea Lord, The Admiralty, Whitehall.

If your enquiry is not urgent, please press 2 for the Allied reaction Corps.

If you are in real hot trouble, please press 3 and your call will be
routed to Sandline International.

If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilisation and are prepared to work your **** off daily risking your life, in all weathers and terrain’s both day and night whilst watching the Treasury eroding your original terms and conditions of service, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passed-over Recruiting Sergeant in a grotty shop down by the railway station.

Have a pleasant day and thank you again for trying to contact the Ministry of Defence.