Australian bricklayer report.
Possibly, the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer’s accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation board.
This is a true story. Had this guy died, he’d have received a Darwin Award for sure……..
Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.
Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs..
I hope this answers your inquiry.
Baz:D:D:D:diablo:
By: Richard gray - 1st March 2010 at 21:17
Allegedly true.
This is a genuine complaint to Strandtown Police Force from an angry member of the public
A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written…..
————————————————————— ———————–
Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Strandtown police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Strandtown, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
As I’m writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in Parkgate Crescent, which is just off Mersey Street Belfast.
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.
I fear that it’s only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. In fact, I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I’ve just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this – after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Police car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again.. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you’ll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain your obedient servant
Mr ??????,
————————————————————— —————————-
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ???????
Community Beat Officer
————————————————————— —————————–
Dear PC ???????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.
16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Srandtown Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.
May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in Parkgate Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It’s surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Belfast, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
The pitch on Holywood Road , or the one at Victoria Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Pollock Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on . If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I’ll buy you a large one in the Great Eastern Pub.
Regards
?????????
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don’t work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!
By: Red Hunter - 4th February 2010 at 13:20
The old ones are often the best ones!:)
By: mike currill - 4th February 2010 at 12:47
Who cares how old it is? It raised a chuckle or three her which is good enough for me.
By: PMN - 4th February 2010 at 12:22
Old or not, I like it! 🙂
Paul
By: spitfireman - 4th February 2010 at 11:52
This is just a cut and paste from email someone sent me (knowing my sick humour!) I had not seen it before:)
Never new it eminated from 1908!!
By: mike currill - 4th February 2010 at 08:18
I love it.
By: Arabella-Cox - 3rd February 2010 at 17:41
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJzhf2x0IWM
this came to mind 😛
By: Red Hunter - 3rd February 2010 at 12:51
Perhaps you have not heard the great humorist Gerard Hoffnung’s account during his speach to the Oxford Union in 1958. I had the record yers ago but it is now long gone.
By: Gooney Bird - 3rd February 2010 at 12:41
This is as old as the hills.
It was also told to the Oxford University union in 1958 by Gerald Hoffnung.
Still quite funny though!
By: cloud_9 - 3rd February 2010 at 12:11
LMAO!:D
Brilliant, thanks for sharing.:)
By: hangarone - 3rd February 2010 at 12:05
I believe that “The Dubliners” did a song called “The Sick Note” that this may be based upon.
Funny none the less.
Sign In
February 3, 2010 at 11:55 am