What I Did On My Spring Vacation…

Well, as the jetlag has passed (mostly) and I’m back in the working world I wanted to reflect for a moment on my experiences of the past week and to share some observations. Please bear with me, as some of you may feel that this thread should be posted in the general forum. In my defense I would say that I have never posted in the general forum and have no plans to start now. It’s Historic Aviation for me, plane and simple.

First, let me just say that the past week would never have happened if not for this forum. What began as a simple idea from JDK and Andy in Beds quickly evolved into an actual plan. Mike J and Robbo quickly joined the fray, along with many others and I soon found that I had an itinerary that resembled the German Army’s 1940 invasion plans. Fair enough…If Blitzkrieg was the order of the day, then blitzkrieg it would be.

Important safety tips for fellow Yanks…England is a country. Britain is an Island, consisting of the countries of England, Wales, and Scotland. Great Britain is the political alliance of England, Wales and Scotland. The United Kingdom (UK) adds Northern Ireland to the following three. England is made up of various counties “Kent, Suffolk, Bedfordshire, Oxfordshire. They are not states. Oxfordshire is abbreviated OXON. I have no idea why. Neither did anyone else I asked. The worst insult you can give an Englishman (hopefully he is an Englishman in the first place) is to call him a European. England is not Europe, it’s England. Just give up and resign yourself to failure when it comes to geopolitical discussions. And whatever you do DON’T mention the Euro currency in Great Britain. For purposes of our discussion I will blunder through the terms UK, GB and England at will.

Driving in the UK. Driving by Americans in the UK should be avoided at all costs. The first thing James and Melvyn did was laugh at me when I told them how nice it was that the road department put up signs showing “photo opportunities”. You know, all those nice little signs that look like box cameras and show you the best places to stop and take a picture. I did think that some of the locations were rather plain, but oh well. James also thought it hilarious when I told him that American guide books actually recommended visitors to place “L” stickers on the back of the hire car to signify “Learner” driver. After a week of roundabouts I feel that maybe this was not such a bad idea. Milton Keynes will always be remembered by me as a “baptism of fire”. Oh well, as James said, “If you can fly all those bloody Warbirds I don’t see what all the fuss is???” I can’t wait to get him in the back seat of the L-39 or Sea Fury. Paybacks are hell. In England discussing directions is a sport, right up there with cricket. Directions will almost always involve unmarked roads and pubs in the instructions. Give up, you will not find your way. Resolve to buy a very good map, rent a GPS (my choice) or follow someone. While we’re at it, don’t ask about cricket. After I made this mistake the conversation lasted an hour in which time I learned that a test match lasts FIVE days, except sometimes it’s four and you’ve got things called bowlers, batsman, and wickets. I have no idea what any of them do, but I did learn if you have an engine failure in your airplane one possibility is to land on a cricket pitch, so I guess that’s what the playing field is called.

The Weather in Great Britain. As Andy in Beds said, you can have the same forecast every day in the UK…”Partly cloudy to overcast today with occasional periods of sunshine and a chance for rain.” Pretty well sums it up. When the clouds roll in (or just swirl around) it’s cold. In fact it’s cold a lot. The coldest winter I ever experienced was Spring in the UK. But occasionally, just like finding a four leaf clover, the sun comes out, the warmth permeates down to your bones and you feel wonderful.

The English Countryside. England is beautiful. Period. It’s still 1940 in much of the countryside. You can drive around Lincolnshire and still see runways and quonset huts from the old airbases. Of course around all this countryside are interspersed villages and thatched cottages. The yellow rape fields, which are grown for canola oil, are also most beautiful, if a new addition to the landscape. I learned that during the filming of “Memphis Belle” aerial shots had to be setup to not include the rape fields. Of course, like most things in life there are exceptions. Basingstoke is the exception. Maybe they could paint it.

The English Language (or lack of it). Important safety tip for all visiting Americans, don’t speak to the locals, you will only sound stupid. The English love to engage in, what in America we would call, the lost art of conversation. You, as an American are totally unprepared for this and should run, or at the very least just smile a lot and feign understanding. It is quite normal, for instance, when visiting a museum (like Hendon) with a group of Englishmen (like Andy in B, Robbo and Andrew O) to have the group suddenly stop for a tea and visit. Once the conversation begins you will feel like a guest star on “The West Wing” who hasn’t learned their lines. The conversation moves very fast and is very witty and everyone (except you) will have something smart to contribute. Best to listen 200% and talk 50%. Andy actually said to me he was impressed by the way I listened keenly to the conversation, taking it all in and only occasionally making comment to the group. If only he knew. Also, don’t use England as an excuse to try on your Monty Python. Again, the English are better at this than you and I. Even if you think that your John Cleese impersonation is perfect from Holy Grail, “That’s the most foul tempered rodent you ever set eyes on…He’s got razor sharp claws and sharp pointy teeth…Look at the bones” or Eric Idle…DONG “Bring out ‘yer dead”. Just smile and let Melvyn do it.

The English Language Pt. II. Let’s face it, words just sound better coming from the English. They can be discussing sheep crap and it just sounds better than if two Americans were having the same conversation. Saying that, you can impress your hosts by trying on a few of their more typical English words. My favorite was pint. I tried to use it in the conversation whenever possible. For instance…”I say that’s a lovely old Avro triplane, how ‘bout a pint.”, or “Nice day, what do you say to a pint?”. Another word I quite like is “Cheers”. Cheers in England is thank you, goodbye, excuse me, and cheers in the American sense all rolled up into one. We could use more nice words like this in America. Bloke is another term of affection, but don’t confuse it with b*ll*cks or you will get blank stares. Best stick with American, most English can translate.

Personal Hygiene in the UK. In America we shower, in England they bathe. As an American you will have the opportunity to learn what the washrag is for. Remembering the baths I used to give my children when they were young I found a tin cup helped to rinse the soap from my hair. In America we have bathroom mirrors the size of billboards. In England the mirrors are somewhat smaller, but the toilet paper can still be found next to the commode, which is useful when you are trying to stop the bleeding from the seven places you cut yourself shaving. Also, you may find that there are other people waiting to use the bathroom (unlike America where we seem to have 3 for every person) so do hurry and please don’t use all the hot water.

Food in the UK. The food sucks and the service is worse. Pork and Beans are a side dish I had not had since the camping trips of my youth. The beer, however, makes up for all this (and then some). Eat less, drink more (but don’t drive as they are very strict on that score). In spite what Americans believe the English do not drink their beer warm, but cool (as opposed to ice cold). You can taste cool beer. Of course, I usually had to have 3 or 4 to make sure I truly appreciated all the taste. Spitfire was high on my list, as was Abbot and Broadside. Old Speckled Hen and IPA were also nice, and was Lysander. Special Brew is Coors Light with grain alcohol added for flavor (9% alcohol by volume), but I brought some home for my friend who asked.

Money in the UK. In America we talk about the $100 cheeseburger in the sense that if you get in your airplane and fly somewhere for lunch that cheeseburger is going to cost $100. In England a tank of gas for your car costs $100. Take whatever something costs in American and multiply by 4. This is the single worst thing about the place, and makes you appreciate all the more how expensive flying in England is.

Aviation Heritage in the UK. As an American I am very proud of our military history, especially concerning Warbirds. There are many airshows in the United States, and they are well attended by the public. Saying that, I am forced to concede that Joe Sixpack has little concept of what he is looking at and has come out to see airplanes fly around because 1. They might crash, and 2. NASCAR doesn’t race until Sunday afternoon. England is different. I learned this at RAF Coningsby while visiting the Battle of Britain Memorial Flight and taking a guided tour of the restoration and maintenance hanger. Our group consisted of about 15, all English except for yours truly. What amazed me was that, out of our group of somewhat middle aged men and women every one of them seemed to be an expert aviation historian on the Battle, on the Hurricane (Oh no young man, that’s a Mk. IIC Hurri, don’t they teach you anything in the states?), on the Spitfire, on the Lancaster, and on just about every other subject related to historic flying. Oh, and while I’m at it most of them are published authors as well (that book on the shelf there was written by that nice man who sold us our tickets at the Mosquito museum, remember?) Last time I was published it was a letter in our local newspaper complaining to the editor about snow removal. Never felt so stupid in all my life. Hell, even Melvyn’s an author. You have to love a place where they know exactly how many Lancasters they have on the island (4, I saw them all), where they refer to airplanes by serial number (no, I’m sure that was AR 501), and where a boxkite isn’t something my daughter flies on a warm Spring day.

The hour is late, so I must bring this little narrative to a close. England is a magic place, so do yourself a favor and take a holiday. And I have saved the best for last. After all the museums and cathedrals, after all the lovely villages and rolling fields, after the quaint local pubs and the handcrafted ales, you have the people. I’m looking now at a book on my desk entitled, “The Shuttleworth Collection”. On the cover page it is signed by over 20 forum members that I had the pleasure of meeting on my trip. People who went out of their way to make a complete stranger feel welcome. People who showed the best England has to offer, both in the air and on the ground. People who invited me into their homes, their aircraft and their lives. I could not have brought back a more wonderful souvenir. Well, maybe just one.

Yes, England is a magic place. I hope it never changes.

Cheers,

Steve Patterson