Worthless, meaningless, managerial sayings!

I once drove over 200 miles to an office in Milton keynes,as they where hosting a very important meeting and a recently installed smartboard and VC system wasent working.

I was sent into the meeting room as they just started,after five minutes of listening to this management guff from my position of head firmly stuffed in a cupboard.
The projector,board and video conference unit all beeped,whirred and buzzed into life.
I packed my kit and headed for the door,just then i was asked what was wrong with it?
“Functional transitional error mate”
and left
the security guard who escorted me back asked what that was?
“Not plugged in buddy”!!

This job description is exactly what I’m on about

http://www.jobsite.co.uk/job/technical-evangelist-manager-943426606?src=search_feat

“Technical Evangelist Manager

The Developer and Platform Evangelism (DPE) organization plays a pivotal role in driving adoption of current and emerging technologies”

“We happen to have a PHENOMENAL team of Breadth Technical Evangelists in UK “

I want to be a Breadth Technical Evangelist!
Hellelujah!

It irritates me how management always want to “grow” their business – why did they stop saying “develop”? We have one director who issues statements full of gobbledegook, often including the phrase “execute our ambitions”.

But sometimes you have to speak b0ll0cks yourself to be understood. I was once in a meeting reporting on some software testing, and I said that I had got side-tracked when I came across a bug that wasn’t related to our latest software release. The meeting chairman wanted to know what the problem was, but it was complicated and I didn’t want to spend time on that sort of detail (which he wouldn’t have understood anyway), so I said:
“It’s OK, it wasn’t part of the testing”
“But what was it?”
“It’s quite complicated, but it doesn’t affect our testing”
“But what was the problem?”
“It really isn’t relevant.”
“What was it, though?”
“Sorry, Dominic, what I should have said was ‘can we take this off-line?’”
As soon as he heard the magic words, he was happy to drop the matter and didn’t even notice I was taking the p155.

“there’s no ‘I’ in team”

Reply:
No, but there is a U in CU*T!

😀

edit: arsebiscuits! just noticed I was snoozing when i posted that..

I was in a meeting once where the General Manager asked a chap about his deadline for the completion of a project: ‘What is your timeline horizon?’ Said chap had no idea what the GM was on about until a colleague helpfully translated the question into just one word: ‘When?’

Two from DHL:

my function is TLCM analyst. Which means Total Logistics Cost Managemnt analyst. Normal people would call it KPI analyst (which is already bad enough management lingo itself). I have not figured out yet who came up with the title. Or why. I have four theories:

Organisationally we are now part of “Germany and the Alps”. Which consists of Germany, Switzerland and Austria. And our little office in the Netherlands. However, it does not include the French Alps or the Italian Alps.

From the BBC today. “People have lost the art of voice communication” (on the subject of texting). Would not a simple word like talking suffice?

Funny how many firms were anxious to have ‘Investors in People’ accreditation, when the real intention was to simply abandon any pretence of caring for staff or treating them with even a token amount of respect.
Also, ‘Champion’ is a title which makes me squirm. It’s usually foisted on some poor unsuspecting bod who has to take on a bigger workload and much more responsibility for little or no increase in pay…

Re 30

Dave Wilson

Chair talking ? That’s a new one on me. Surely – Chairman or Madam Chairman ? That’s how it was when I was in the fifth form at the Royal College of Pedantry.

John Green

Once had a “top Neddy” as Roger Bacon used to say, who stated at a conference he considered himself to be a :

“helicopter overviewer”

………………..Barking.

Paradigm

Parachute in

Stakeholder

I was at a high level meeting once and the chair talked for about twenty minutes using nothing but bollox talk. At the end he said to my colleague

‘Well, what are your thoughts Geoff?’

To which he replied to his eternal credit and undying fame…

‘I’m thinking I should have brought some ********** hand grenades.’

I fear that the reverse is true in many companies Andy,where I work – we can only make suggestions if it happens to agree with senior management policy,also they will not take any notice of the engineering professionals unless the idea does not involve investment (ie cost neutral)…in fact that is the traditional british weakness – Lack of investment.

Bazy.
Well I know what you mean but I do have a little hope.
With the head of Barclays bank getting the chop and now that moron who runs G4S getting a good kicking in public this afternoon, and the fact that this recession is only about a third through it’s elongated run, I can see a large culling ahead.
I have no real idea what the industrial/financial landscape will look like when all this is finally over but I tend to think a change has occured.

We will as they say–see.
Andy

“Grass roots level.” That’s dirt, sunshine.
“Ongoing.” Does nothing continue, any more?
“Targeted” Is nothing “Aimed at” any more? In fact a target is a shield, and the literal meaning is (or was) really “shielded,” which says much for the modern level of education.

Managerial wisdom

When my line manager had taken my budget for his new staff dining facility he said “you’re a manager – manage”

We used to play w@anker word bingo.

We put 25 sayings on to a photocopied “bingo” chart and then crossed them off in meetings as they were mentioned.

Everyone put a pound in, the first to complete a line got the dosh………

Good fun though.

“Bring to the table”.

Now I know you’ve worked in (British) engineering! 😉

Yes It wasnae too bad when I worked for Hawker Squiddeley at a lovely little airfield in surrey,then of course we got absorbed by T’wastospace from oop north which seemed to herald a load of dumb ideas :rolleyes: including pinching our Hawk production which just left us with Leaping Heaps/Plastic Pigs…eventually prematurely elbowing us (and St Athan) out of the picture when they (wastospace) took over the RAF lock stock and barrel…one of the consequences of this outcome is that the RAF now has extremely limited facilities for Hawk major servicing !

rgds baz

Downsize otherwise known as we are going skint,The Bosses Bently is 2 years old or the workers need to live within their means and buy smaller hovels!

…we can only make suggestions if it happens to agree with senior management policy,also they will not take any notice of the engineering professionals unless the idea does not involve investment (ie cost neutral)…in fact that is the traditional british weakness – Lack of investment.

Now I know you’ve worked in (British) engineering! 😉

It all sounds depressingly farmilliar. I remember the howls of indignation when I suggesting that our shop-floor would be more productive if the workers were provided with a few (cheap) electric-screwdrivers…

…the ‘management’ response: ‘no way, then the lazy *******s will do even less work’! :rolleyes:

My personal least-favourite: “get all our ducks in a row”! :rolleyes:

“There’s no ‘I’ in ‘team’.” was used on me once.
My reply?
“No, but there’s a ‘u’ in c***!”

That’s a classic…..I must remember that one! 😀

I usually go with the more usual “no, but there is an ‘m’ and an ‘e’”! 😉