You couldn't make it up !!!!!!!

The recipe said that I had to cut red hot chilipeppers in very small pieces. Then I had an eye-itch and put my finger there to rub.

Ooooh…..

Tillerman.

Just had aread of the local rag, and saw that “Several” Police Officers in a Lincolnshire town, have just completed a weeks course, yes, you did read that right, a week, to learn how to ride pushbikes:rolleyes: It would appear that they will be able to respond to incidents quicker:D
Sorry, got to leave it there, my eyes are watering so much through laughing.
Jim.
Lincoln .7

Superglue comes off with Nail varnish remover.
And, if it’s old stuff, with Acetone in it, it’s better.
Wouldn’t rekmend either of them in your mouth though.

My youngest daughter, husband, and Grandson, treated me to see the latest Jason Stathan film “Safe” at the cinema in Peterborough. After the film, we had all forgotten exactly where in the vast carp park she had parked the car. It was found, but no way could she get her key to open the door, after a few choice words, it was realised that she was only trying to get into somewon elses car that was the identicle twin to hers. Had a good laugh, and a jibe or two re her young age and not even recognising her own car.
Obviously I knew it wasn’t her car, and if you believe that…………………..:D
Jim.
Lincoln .7

Tony, As a matter of interest, how did you know it was YOUR beer can?, and that it did indeed contain beer and not “P”, Y’know what you erks were like.;)
Jim.
Lincoln .7

In the RAF in the field one always left some beer in ones can to clean ones teeth with in the morning 🙂

EVERYONE NOTE,:eek: after all these years, Kev has finaly come clean 😀
Jim.
Lincoln .7

I once. for reason or reasons unknown, shaved with oven cleaner.

I reiterate, I only did it the once.

Regards,

kev35

Jim, I know it was only a light hearted joke… Perhaps I got on my soap box a bit too soon, but im sick of seeing it reported in the newspapers etc about how can we be in a drought when its raining. Its been a bad 2 years as far as rain fall is concerned, at least for the east of the country. I dont know how far south you are but there was a large scale fish rescue on the welland just a few weeks ago. I know not all out waterways show signs of dought, but some really are / were in a bad way. This rain has helped with river levels above ground, but the groundwater is a long way off being fixed. Sorry, I’m down off my box now!!!

No, I’m not saying it hasn’t rained for 2 years… But I am saying that its been well below average rainfall, particularly in Lincolnshire for the last two years. Thats why two or three weeks of heavy rain isn’t going to change anything. Before the heavy rain of recent weeks, have you not seen the fish rescues in Lincolnshire on the BBC news? Before this rain, our rivers were in real danger of drying up. And our groundwater is massivly depleted…. Hence why you cant use your hosepipe to wash your car… Because in most cases, that water comes from groundwater sources. Still, if your little partnof lincoln has been particularly wet over the last 2 years then you can always starting using rainwater to wash the car… Collect it in a water butt and wash away untill your hearts’ content!!!!;)

I am not getting dragged into an argument over water, however, in SOUTH lincs, I have seen no evidence of a lack or lower water level in the dykes or drains or rivers as our water is fed by small lock gates, so we are able to maintain a good level of water. As a point of interest, whilst building a very large Koi pond in the garden, some 18yrs ago, the water table was one foot under the ground, over the road, my neighbours water table was 3 feet down.:confused:
I have a pond which holds many thousands of gallons of water, so washing cars is no problem for me whatsoever, it was meant as a light hearted joke, as I am sure you will know.:)
Jim.
Lincoln .7

How about arresting someone, throwing them in a cell handcuffed and then forgetting about them…… FOR 5 DAYS!!!! No food, water or toilet…… Unreal!

http://edition.cnn.com/2012/05/02/us/california-forgotten-prisoner/index.html

Tony, I know it’s true, but when I went out with the CHP in San Diego, we arrested a drunk driver, and put him in an overcrowded cell as it was full up with prisoners.
Perhaps they are now like our Police, and hardly arrest anyone these days, so didn’t need to go down to the cells there to check him.as they were all M.T. They have a good system there, the arrested person is taken to the Station, Firearms held by arresting Officer handed in until he leaves. He hands over the brief details of the arrest, and everything else, ie the additional paperwork is done by civvies. They have a bridge/causeway, which links the Station to the Courts, and the perp is taken there next day without having to go in transport along open roads to Court, as so many in the past, had been assisted in escaping whilst in transit.
We are miles behind the American Police, in many areas of Policing. I bet the C of P is bricking it, as it’s the Mayor of San Diego who hires and fires.
Jim.
Lincoln .7.

No, I’m not saying it hasn’t rained for 2 years… But I am saying that its been well below average rainfall, particularly in Lincolnshire for the last two years. Thats why two or three weeks of heavy rain isn’t going to change anything. Before the heavy rain of recent weeks, have you not seen the fish rescues in Lincolnshire on the BBC news? Before this rain, our rivers were in real danger of drying up. And our groundwater is massivly depleted…. Hence why you cant use your hosepipe to wash your car… Because in most cases, that water comes from groundwater sources. Still, if your little partnof lincoln has been particularly wet over the last 2 years then you can always starting using rainwater to wash the car… Collect it in a water butt and wash away untill your hearts’ content!!!!;)

Thats because we’re in a drought! Particularly in Lincolnshire. If you haven’t noticed the lack of rain over the last 2 years, then I have to ask, where have you been????

If YOUR saying it hasn’t rained in Lincs,over the last 2 yrs where have you been?.Cos I will have my Hols there.:rolleyes:
Jim.
Lincoln .7

How about arresting someone, throwing them in a cell handcuffed and then forgetting about them…… FOR 5 DAYS!!!! No food, water or toilet…… Unreal!

http://edition.cnn.com/2012/05/02/us/california-forgotten-prisoner/index.html

Thats because we’re in a drought! Particularly in Lincolnshire. If you haven’t noticed the lack of rain over the last 2 years, then I have to ask, where have you been????

River banks overflowing, cars washed away, the wettest April since Records began, and I cant wash the car down with a hose pipe because there is a hosepipe ban on.
Jim.
Lincoln .7

I once had an old Volvo 345 with a dodgy starter-motor; the solenoid would stick when you tried to start it with the key. Being a pretty competent mechanic I was going to replace the starter-motor but I had also realised that I could start the car by opening the bonnet (hood) and shorting the solenoid connections with the steel handle of my trolley-jack. It was only really a problem if the car was cold, as it didn’t run well on the choke (remember them?), so I kept putting it off.

Anyway one icy morning I’m off to work, via the station to drop my (then) girlfriend off, and we have to stop at a set of traffic-lights on a narrow bridge a mile from where we lived. The car stalls. No problem; I’ve got my jack-handle under the seat so I pop the bonnet (hood) and jump out. I’ve had plenty of practice so I lean in from the side (the Volvo 345 bonnet opens forward and the engine is in-line not transverse) and short the solenoid connections together…

…and the car, which I’ve left in gear (handbrake on), jumps slightly forward…..onto my foot!

I’m wearing thin leather shoes and have an in-growing toenail on that foot; the pain is indescribable! Thankfully I’ve still got the jack-handle clenched (very tightly) in my hand but my girlfriend, who has realised that something is wrong (but not that the car is on my foot), had just knocked the car out of gear. I can’t move as my foot is firmly stuck right under the front tyre; I scream at my girlfriend to put the car in gear, actually I’m sure it was more of a manly command but she maintains it was a scream (a manly scream of course) but she screams back “it is out of gear!”

“No! Put it IN GEAR!” I scream back (and I am screaming by this time and am probably brandishing the jack-handle, in an encouraging way, above my head), and she does, and I short the solenoid again and the car jumps forward off my foot. Most of the pain stops. No time to explain; I run round the door, knock the car out of gear again then back round to short the solenoid once more.

The traffic-lights turn green but by now I’ve got the engine running so I jump (hobble) back in and off we go with only a dull pain in my foot…

…and the feeling that my sock is getting damp as I drive.

Many a time – often involving superglue or my sense of humour, which lands me in a substantial amount of bother from time to time.

I worked with Oxfam for a while and one day remarked to the manager, Kevin, that there were two things that I don’t understand – women and Americans. To which the woman who’d just walked up to the counter replied “I’m American”. I’d worked there for one and a half years and the only only American to enter the shop in those one and a half years was stood inches away at that very moment. Needless to say, I felt quite the fool – I believe she saw the funny side, fortunately 😀

Similar to L7

I rushed into the bathroom early one winter morning, running a bit late and the light bulb blew

Undetered I washed in the dark and only after I felt the burn brushing my teeth did I realised I was using Imac Hair remover cream 😮

Never pays to be in a rush…like the time I grabed by baseball cap and ramed it on my head all in one movement and only then discover the cat had messed it in:(:mad:

Injected myself with the Dog’s Insulin once instead of my own.[true]
Felt a bit ruff afterwards!

I know coat, hat be seeing you.