You did WHAT ?!

Paying a visit to our local Aldi, I stepped out of my motor and couldnt avoid seeing the Lambo parked in the disabled space. I proceeded to give my son who was with me a bit of a rant about inconsiderate people driving their fancy motors into disabled spaces. Then an old bloke limped out of the shop with his walking stick, stepped into the car and drove off.
Didnt stop to see if they had any humble pie on the shelves.

..I really couldn’t say, LoL!

But all the obvious mischiefs of sex in the wrong location, explosions, fire, wrong identity etc.

And do you like your Martini shaken and not stirred???

You know when you open a tin of Red kidney beans, into a sieve? Then pour fresh water through them to rinse?
Well I opened the tin into the sieve.

It’s just a shame I wasn’t near the sink at the time.

Nor was I at home! I was at a friends house and I offered to cook!

Muppet! 😀

AHEM… Says me, who several years ago was getting a microphone off the centre of the pitch at Elland Road after the pre match entertainment for a rugby match had finished, and while doing so, and while trying to get 100 metres of mic cable together, noticed one of the teams running full pelt at me. Off I run, mic, mic stand and cable in hand as quickly as I could to the side of the pitch, only to slip around 5 metres from the side and slide on my ass the rest of the way. On standing up I received a full on standing ovation from around 7,000 people in front of me. I later found out the whole thing was very clearly visible on the live Sky Sports broadcast.

I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve cocked up on stage playing bass. A few years ago (I think in France) one of our crew were fooling around at the side of the stage trying to make me laugh so much I hit a wrong note. He told me of his plans before we went on and I swore he wouldn’t succeed, but eventually I cracked up and hit something like an F when I should have hit a big fat rootsy C, giggling childishly so much I almost forgot what the hell I was doing (one of those big slides that anyone who’s been playing for a while and has ever lost their way slightly will be more than familiar with was needed!) This git, task completed, took his hat off and bowed as he left the side of the stage content in the knowledge I’d made a fool of myself in front of around 3500 people. All good fun! 😀

Paul

Paul

You know when you open a tin of Red kidney beans, into a sieve? Then pour fresh water through them to rinse?
Well I opened the tin into the sieve.

It’s just a shame I wasn’t near the sink at the time.

Nor was I at home! I was at a friends house and I offered to cook!

Trying to stifle a fart during a big formal staff meeting when along came a sneeze, which I also tried to stifle. Something had to give………

Thanks for sharing that!!!

Sounds like the kind of thread that Al would have been adding a lot of posts to – smelting gold in the kitchen springs to mind.

Sure is. Thought of him when this thread appeared. He would likely have reminded us of the drunken attempt to start his new chainsaw in the livingroom in the middle of the night and dropping it right in front of the new leather sofa as it fired up…..

Trying to stifle a fart during a big formal staff meeting when along came a sneeze, which I also tried to stifle. Something had to give………

Brilliant hindenburg,and I’m still cleaning a dam fine Irish of the monitor….
As a 21st birthday treat was taken to a cricket match by my friends,on the bus there they gave me a signed team shirt choking back emotion i proudly donned the India shirt.Getting of the bus i said the only shirts i could see were the windies ones,they said don’t worry our lot would be inside.
While queing at the bar i took the looks as friendly opposition,it wasn’t until we emerged in to a sea of pakistan shirts did i suddenly get the gag.It was very quiet were we sat ,except for the giggling from my so called MATES.

Some twenty years ago i worked all over the country installing equipment in steel Foundries that could reclaim the sand from the casting process.On one particular week ,I was working at a foundry in South Shields with my friend Dave ,putting pipe work at the dark bottom end of a huge factory.
Every dinnertime ,this old chap with flat cap,pipe and a very pronounced limp, would hobble over to us and ask if we wanted to join him for dinner in his`little `ut , close to where we were working.He`d asked us this every day and we normally politely refused as we used the main canteen.On the very last day he came over as usual ,but feeling guilty as he normally had no one to talk to,we accepted his offer to join him for dinner.He was very pleased for the company and proceeded to hobble back to the dark corner of the foundry to his tiny portacabin.As we followed ,he told us he had no Kettle or drinks machine,we told him we`d get him one, and Dave proceeded to the Klix machine to get 3 black coffees.
I followed the old chap to this tiny cabin which was mostly occupied by a large formica table in the middle,which the chap edged around to sit facing me on the bench the other side.
Polited chit chat ensued as he bent down fiddling under the table.To my great surprise, he produced two artificial legs from under the table he`d unstrapped to “let `is stumps breath” and he plonked them onto the bench next to him.The conversation naturally turned to how he`d lost his legs in an accident at the same factory years ago but they`d kept him on to sort and stack the casting patterns.
Unbeknown to me, Dave had returned behind me ,and ,gawping at these false legs had failed to negotiate the portacabin step with the tray of drinks.
All three cups of scalding black coffee flew off the tray as he tripped ,and cascaded across the table into this old chaps lap.
The chaps face contorted instantly and his scream was muffled by the lit pipe dangling from the corner of his mouth.Sparks flew out of the pipe !! and his instant reaction,as anybody elses would be, was to stand up.
Not having his appendages attached, he plummeted down as fast as he`d stood, his fall being broken as his chin came into contact with the hard table top.His false teeth shattered as they guillotined his pipe,the smoking remnant spinning across the table.The poor chap ,he was in a right state and had to be taken to casualty with genital burns,bruised stumps and a damaged jaw. We felt really guilty leaving him like that….but did have to keep pulling over on our return journey as we were laughing so much !!

Strewth,what a picture.My sincere apologies to anyone who’s just eaten before reading that last post .

Hmm,it’s gone a bit quiet …. OK guys,is anyone brave enough to own up to their Most Embarrassing Moment ? My worst of many was the classic skirt tucked into underwear situation,but it happened in a huge audience at Phantom of the Opera off Broadway – oh,the shame !! Anyone got anything worse ?

I hope for the audience sake they were your nice ones and not your big cotton Granny pants!!!

Carving knives,meteorites,green cats – what an embarassing shower.Me,I only open my mouth to change feet .This happened yesterday … Small girl :’We’ve got rats at home’.Me (brightly ):’Don’t worry,the council will come and kill them.They poison them,they’ll soon die’.Small girl,bursting into loud tears :’But they’re PET rats and I love them !’ Oops !

Walking the foothills in Austria with a very nice lady, the lust overcame us. In the middle of nowhere on a hill near a tree, we ripped each others kit off and got down to it. As it was lust/passion driven, it only lasted 10 mins and we lay there naked, looking at the sky. Which was interrupted by a MASSIVE cable car passing above us, with a lot of people waving…some taking pictures. Another car passed after 1 minute!!!!!!!! lots of ppl must have seen it LoL.

:D:D:D Funny as hell, you certainly have had some well funny moments.

You know how sometimes doing a mundane job,you can just drift off in that sort of daze.
During a rather hot summers day id been spray painting these fence panels and posts for quite a few hours ,when i noted a few panels back an untreated area. i tutted and resprayed the affected spot.It was only later while enjoying a well earned brew that i spotted a Persian cat with one side Forrest green.

:D:D:D

I can just imagine a cat-shaped outline on the fence panels…!

I think that beats my most embarrassing moment!

Back in 1993-ish, myself and a friend had been visiting a well-known model shop in the Midlands, and had been given some rather dodgy advice by one of the assistants, which both of us knew was largely incorrect.

Anyway, a couple of hours later, we were stood at the bar of a local pub, and I was chatting to the barman (another keen modeller).
I had launched into a tirade of abuse directed at the aforementioned assistant, when out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that my companion had seemingly developed a twitch.
I looked round at my friend to see what was wrong, and spied the model shop assistant standing behind my friend….

Don

I once dropped a $599 bottle of 1980 Penfolds Grange Hermitage while inspecting it at an Adelaide wine Auction…i was going to purchase it anyway so i ended up $599 lighter …with an expensive Shiraz all over my shoes and pants

You know how sometimes doing a mundane job,you can just drift off in that sort of daze.
During a rather hot summers day id been spray painting these fence panels and posts for quite a few hours ,when i noted a few panels back an untreated area. i tutted and resprayed the affected spot.It was only later while enjoying a well earned brew that i spotted a Persian cat with one side Forrest green.

A few years ago i was a volunteer in a place,well ,lets say had its fair share of characters.It was my turn to cook lunch,when i heard this commotion coming from the sitting room.On my arrival i was greeted by an aged gent running around the place dressed only in his shirt and new Christmas slippers,much to the enjoyment of the other residents and consternation of two who were having their viewing of bargain hunt disturbed.When he caught site of me his eyes lit up, that tell tail mischievous grin shot across his face ,and he was off.
Now, Ive never been a runner and I’m ashamed to say this octogenarian had the edge on me.when i heard the door chime go,oh no i thought.We both had the same idea i lept the coffee table but just missed him as he shot out in to the evening air.It was only when i passed the on coming glaring headlights of a visitors car and the saucer like eyes of its passengers, i realised i was still carrying a rather large kitchen knife.

There used to be a relatively posh shop in Nottingham called Alders.
Mother in law telephones me from the Managers office.
“Darling, (She had her posh voice on, slightly raised, so I knew she was showing off to an audience), “I’m in the Managers office at Alders darling, he can’t find the stock record of the mirror you bought me, the one I want to exchange…the manager here has been ever so kind and let me use his telephone”.

“Aldi” I said.
(Still as loud) “Oh, Aldi, darling……oh”.

I could almost see the manager biting his finger trying not to laugh.

I was in the bus station underneath the Arndale centre in Manchester. About 1976 this was.
I saw a man lying on the floor convulsing, clearly having some sort of attack, possibly heart attack.
Buses had only just been fitted with a 2-way radio, my quick thinking took over and I ran onto a bus that was just pulling out, asked driver to ring for an Ambulance. He did so, he left with his bus and pax.
I then went over to the man. As I was getting close, he stood up and brushed dirt off his clothes!!! What he had been doing was lying on the floor with his arm down a small flap, trying to turn the water off!!!!
At this point, a Police car arrived on the scene and the officers ran over with their 1st aid kit. I explained, with a red face that could have cooked steak.
Again, very proffesional “Better safe than sorry” etc.

I parked my car in the massive car park at Blackpool, ready for a weekend on the lash.
As I was walking away, the alarm went off. No amount of playing with the fob or opening/shutting the door would work. The car started, but I wan’t going to drive it because the Police in Blackpool are to the right of Nazi’s when it comes to such matters. So, I phoned the AA.
Van came 45 mins later (By which time I’d had a pint or two).
AA man did all the same messing as me, then decided the best way was to disconnect it. Opened the bonnet. It was then that we both realised that it was in fact the car FACING mine which was going off, it’s headlights aligned with mine which made mine look like they were flashing.
He was very proffesional about it, but I can imagine the names I was called!