Thank you for the Phenominal response to my posting guys. (Sorry couldnt resist the Pun that Lancman started.

All those hours receiving Jokey emails at work obviously isnt time wasted after all….. despite what my boss says. :rolleyes:

The REAL meaning of the Haynes instructions
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don’t you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place … clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! … Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! … Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7…
Translation: That’ll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry…
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into…

Haynes: Undo…
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).

Haynes: Ease …
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to …

Haynes: Retain tiny spring…
Translation: “Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out”!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb…
Translation: OK – that’s the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly…
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered “lightly”.

Haynes: Weekly checks…
Translation: If it isn’t broken don’t fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance…
Translation: If it isn’t broken… it’s about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this… so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number… but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won’t need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren’t you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK – but don’t expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don’t ever carry your loved ones in it again and don’t mention it to your insurance company.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this…
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress…
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering “******” repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect…
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife “Yep, as I thought, it’s going to need a new one”!

Haynes: Carefully…
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut…
Translation: Yes, that’s it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant…
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs…
Translation: Snap off…

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch…
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn’t a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat…
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn’t moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn’t come undone use a hacksaw.

Haynes: Apply moderate heat…
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don’t bother. Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I’ve got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it’s got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model.

HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE spanner: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you’re trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you’ve been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls in about the time it takes you to say, “F….”

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the sunshine vitamin,” which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper- and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact spanner that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

I think its fair to say there have been ups and downs on the old enjoyment scale Roy. Without a doubt a lot more ups though. 😀

Every hurdle encountered you curse only to pass it and then realise it wasnt that bad and your a step nearer your goal of getting her home.

There have been a couple of visits down to Hatch which whilst not strictly needed do a hell of a lot for the motivation factor to remind what its all about and give a fresh burst of enthusiasm.

Nice to see the Britt cracking on. Looking nice. Not as nice as a Viscount would look but nice. 😉

Appreciate the offer Bex and it will be remembered. 😀

The lack of sun and th deluge of rain has been a major problem which is the only thing holding us up from geting her to Coventry.

Funny though the move was postponed last week because of a lack of sun and since then apart from the odd shower its been…………………….sunny.

Gives me chance to catch up on some museum projects im involved with and work on a few bits at home during the evenings, he says trying to see a positive side of things. :rolleyes:

Welcome to the forum fella,

Here’s where the example at Coventry went.

http://www.bamfbamrs.be/B25/B25-en.htm

I know we have Kev didnt mean to cause you offence. It was meant tongue in cheek fella.

You should still drop me a PM though to come down for a look around as previously offered. The invite is always open. No use by date 😀

An interesting debate Kevin. With as normal no black and white answers Im afraid. In principle a great idea but in reality it would never work.

How much of a draw is a Vulcan? Pretty big in my humble opinion. At the Midland Air Museum we have our example open most if not all weekends and people still know what a Vulcan is and are still genuinly in awe of the type. Having done my fair share of guiding I can guarantee that people DO come to see her and WILL que to get in her. Be it they have heard about XH558’s quest to get into the sky, have just read the 607 book or remember the type from airshows as a child. Make no mistake to a museum such as ours she is worth her weight in gold.

While mentioning the public we must remember they keep museums going. It would be great to have a museum full of rarities but the general public wouldnt have heard of half the aircraft and consequently wouldnt come. Enthusiats sadly dont keep the museums ticking over its the general public. You need the Hunters, Lightnings and Vulcans as they know what they are.

Re NEAM F86D. And im playing devils advocate here as Im on your side Lindys Lad & Misha. How does that fit in with NEAM’s local connections or (excuse my ignorance to NEAM) their collecting policy? If you base the future of that airframe on the afore mentioned questions asked by some on the forum, that aircraft should either be moved to another museum or scrapped as been surplus to requirements. But to NEAM that is a gem and who on earth are we to say to that museum should give that airframe up?

As others have said why and more importantly how an earth can many museums afford to give up lets say a Hunter in display condition for a rarity such as a Swift which would probably be in dire need of a major restoration? Weve all discussed the Swift on the gate in Worcestershire (?) and the daft amount he wants for that. Thats before you add transportation costs and restoration costs to the total. Budget wise for the museum which lets be honest many operate on limited budgets it doesnt make sense.

Kev also kindly mentions MAM as having duplicate T33’s two airframes that were taken on by previous boards of the museum. Im afraid I wasnt around then so am unable to exxplain the decision there.

We also have duplicate Hunters. Looking at the Hunters one is a genuine RAF one and the other an ex Danish one. We dont own the ex RAF Hunter its on loan from the USAF. What happens if the USAF suddenly changes its museum loan policy and takes her back? we are left with a pretty important airframe type missing in our collection. So yes it may not be ideal but it ensures we will not be left without an important aircraft type. And anyway weren’t some Danish Hunters converted ex RAF ones anyway? Maybe wrong on that.

Many museums were set up with Mysteres, Vampires, Danish Hunters, T33’s and F100 as they were either available on loan or cheap to purchase at the time. With hindsight many museums would now say, well yes we have a clear collecting policy inplace and they dont really fit in. But without those loaned or cheaply bought airframes how many museums would have been set up to preserve the other types in the collections these common types sit amongst?

But lets assume they were to dispose of the said aircraft who pays for their dismantling and transportation? Does the organisation they are on loan from pay for it or is that down to the museum? If the museum owns the aircraft they fund that themselves? Also how do they replace it. Well if we are advocating geting rid of all Hunters they cant of load it to other museums so they cant reclaim the money there. Yes purchasing another aircraft with money from that bottom less pit.

Kev youve said before Midland Air Museums local to you. We are manned by volunteers. The offers still open to come along and offer your services or visit? Maybe you will see thngs from the other side of the fence so to speak. I await a PM 😀

Good debate though be one people will have a strong opinion on.