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Gallic Wars: The French not only lost … they lost to an Italian.
Hundred Years’ War: Although they kinda/sorta mostly lost, they were saved by Joan of Arc (a female schizophrenic), who by accident created the First Rule of French Warfare: “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.”
Italian Wars: France became the first and only country in history to lose not just one but TWO wars against Italians.
Wars of Religion: France was 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years’ War: Although not technically a principal, they did manage to get invaded anyway. Amusingly, they claim a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring them.
War of Devolution: Tied.
Dutch War: Tied.
War of the Augsburg League: Lost, claimed tie.
King William’s War: Lost, claimed tie.
French and Indian War: Lost, claimed tie.
Three ties in a row caused some deluded folks to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession: Lost.
American In a Scribean foreshadow of the future, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw way more action.
This is eventually known as “de Gaulle Syndrome.”
It also establishes the Second Rule of French Warfare: “France only wins when America does most of the fighting.”
French Revolution: Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
Napoleonic Wars: Lost.
Franco-Prussian War: Lost.
World War I: Tied and on the way to losing. France was saved by the United States.
World War II: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain.
War in Indochina: Lost.
Algerian Rebellion: Lost. The first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades. It gave birth to the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of Italian, Russian, German, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux Warfare.
War on Terrorism: France has surrendered to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.
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