Joke

Send that my way as well 😀

Landyman / ZRX61 – check yer pm’s lads. 😉

A minister was seated next to a marine on a flight. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The marine asked for a whiskey and soda, which the flight attendant brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely groped by brazen harlots than let liquor touch my lips.” The marine then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, “Me, too. I didn’t know we had a choice.”
……………..
A young man is staggering about drunk with a key in his hand.
“What’s going on ‘ere then?” says a passing policeman.
“They stole me bloody car!” shouts the drunk.
“Where did you last see it?” asks the copper.
“On the end of this key!” wails the drunk.
The policeman looks him over and says, “Are you aware, sir, that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?”
“Holy ****!” screams the drunk; “They got me girlfriend too!”
…………………
Advice for young girlfriends
Q: How do I know if I’m ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He’ll know when the time is
right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much
more responsible, since they’re not as emotionally
confused as women. It’s a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The
important thing to remember is that you must do
whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes,
however, he may ask you to do certain things that may
at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don’t
feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you’ve finished
making love, he’ll have a natural desire to leave you
suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or
perhaps another activity, such as going out with his
friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large
amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts
with his buddies. Don’t feel left out — while he’s
gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning
the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an
expensive gift. He’ll come back when he’s ready.

Q: What is “afterplay”?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to
replenish his manly energy. “Afterplay” is simply a
list of important activities for you to do after
lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette,
making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few
beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out
and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not
quantity, is important, studies show this is simply
not true. The average erect male penis measures about
three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely
rare and if by some chance your lover’s sexual organ
is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees
and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible
to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his
apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There’s no such thing. It’s a myth.
………………..
More Life Lesons – Signs of being drunk
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case – coincidence?
Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you walk in.
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women
Roseanne looks good.
Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
“I’m as jober as a sudge.”
……………..

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly, he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right next to him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o’clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, “Oh no!!! My wife’s dinner party!!!” He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he’s been all this time. He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said – “Come on guys, we’re almost there!”
……………..
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your stupid cat.”
…………………
An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer’s given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.

“What happened?” says the doctor.

“Well,” the old man starts, “I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left — nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing.”

The doctor bursts out, “You asked your neighbor?”

“Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn’t get that damn jar open.”
……………….

Michael Jackson has been found guilty of kiddy fiddling & sentanced to 10 years..

The judge said “you’re lucky it’s just 10 years, if you’d been black it would have been 20..”

& can someone PM the deleted joke to me pls? :dev2:

This one is one of my favorite jokes of all time 😀

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
half-gallon of 2% milk
carton of eggs
quart of orange juice
head of romaine lettuce
2 lb. can of coffee
1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmlystated, “You must be single.”

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied:

“Cause you’re ugly.”

Need a laugh or 2? Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back…or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did..?.

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and blow job?” I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn’t say a word… he knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and I said, “I think I like playing with men’s balls.”

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, “No, I’m just looking at your nuts.” My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving “right now” she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, “If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!” The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said “No.” I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.” Then I said, “Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?” “No,” he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, “Danny, did you have an accident?” This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. “SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!” While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any….a true story… We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked: “So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Brilliant! 😀

A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don’t get there on time.

He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.

“Where are you going ?” asks the Irish chap.

“Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me” says the driver, “and here’s a hundred quid for your troubles.”

“Happy days,” says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.

The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.

“What are you playing at,” he fumes, “I told you to take them to Chester Zoo!”

“I did,” says the Irish fella, “but there’s still fifty quid left so now we’re going to Alton Towers.”

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge Scouse bloke – 6ft 5 and 350lbs.

He’s having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.

After three or four beers the queer fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over towards the scouser he whispers, “Do you want a blow job?”

At this the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar leaving him bruised and battered in the car park before returning to his seat.

Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. “I’ve never seen you react like that,” he says, “just what did he say to you?”

“I’m not sure,” the big Scouser replies, “something about a job.”

do you feel lonely?
do you feel picked on?
everyone hates you?
and the whole world despises you?

its time to look in the mirror and ask yourself…..

am i micheal jackson????????

.

I had to remove a joke, it was a bit too un politically correct, and got complaints. Sorry gents..

any chance of getting it p,m’ed to me? :diablo:
cheers.
Greg

C’mon Lads, dear oh dear!!!!!!!!!

Funniest joke of the lot, Steve….;)

C’mon Lads, dear oh dear!!!!!!!!!

Three aircraft engineers and three mathematicians are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three mathematicians each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks a mathematician. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The mathematicians take their respective seats, but all three engineers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The mathematicians see this and agree it is quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the mathematicians decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asks one perplexed mathematician. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers a engineer.

When they board the train, the three mathematicians cram into one toilet and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the mathematicians are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”

Whats the fastests cake on earth?

Scone!!!

What do you call a smelly rotten pig?

George Bush. 😉

What do you call a 10 foot gorilla with no ears?

Anything you like….. :D:D:D

What do you call a fly with no wings…….?

“A walk” 😀

Sorry to say it so clearly but… that’s a bad one. 🙁 :p

Whats Brown and sticky?

a stick! 😀