Joke

One evening Mike went over to his friend Terry’s house to play cards with some friends.

Mike sat directly across from Terry’s wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry’s wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed.

He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise Terry’s wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, ” Did you like what you saw?” Mike said “Yes I did.” She said, Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500.” So Mike thought about this financial situation and said, “O.K.” She said, “Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then.” Mike said, “I’ll see you then.”

The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left. Later, Terry came home and asked, “Has Mike been over here today” She said, thinking she had been caught, “As a matter of fact, he did.” Terry said, “Good because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would leave it with you.”

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?”, says the 7 year old. “I think it’s about time we started swearing.”
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna swear first, then you swear after me,ok?” “OK!” the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
“Oh, s**t mum, I guess I’ll have some Coco Pops.”

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,”And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man? “I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but it won’t be f*cking Coco Pops”

A train hits a bus load of school girls and they all perish.They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, “Sharon, have you ever had any
contact with a penis?”
She giggles and shyly replies, “Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.”
St. Peter says, “OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy
Water and pass through the gate.”
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Karina have you ever had any contact with a penis?”
The girl is a little reluctant but replies “Well once I fondled and stroked one.” St. Peter says “OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.”
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line, St. Petersays, “Susan! What seems to be the rush?”
The girl replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy
Water, I want to do it before Tracy sticks her arse in it!!

Before his recent demise, the late Pontiff was giving a papal tour around the streets of Rome.

From his position in the pope mobile he caught a glance of a young boy chasing along in the distance as they drove through the crowd lined streets. Every so often as they turned another corner the pope would catch a glimpse of the boy, still running along and waving his arms, trying to catch the attention of the papal party.

Eventually curiosity got the better of Il Papa and he ordered his cardinals to halt the entourage and let the young devotee catch them up.

As the boy reached them, panting and out of breath, the holy father leaned out and crouched to greet the little lad… “What is it my son, what do you want?”

The boy catches his breath and exclaims… ” Twenty Benson & Hedges and a Cornetto please!!!” 😀

That’s better!!!!

EARLIER THIS WEEK, I THOUGHT THAT I WOULD MAKE AN EARLY START ON MY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING.
I WAS STRESSED OUT AND NOT THINKING VERY FONDLY OF THE CHRISTMAS SEASON RIGHT THEN.
IT WAS DARK, COLD, AND WET IN THE MULTI STORY CAR PARK.
AS I LOADED MY CAR UP WITH THE GIFTS I BOUGHT, I NOTICED THAT I WAS MISSING THE PARKING
TICKET I NEEDED TO GET OUT OF THE CAR PARK, SO MUMBLING UNDER MY BREATH,
I RETRACED MY STEPS TO THE SHOPPING CENTRE ENTRANCE.
AS I WAS SEARCHING THE WET PAVEMENT FOR THE LOST RECEIPT, I HEARD A QUIET SOBBING.
THE CRYING WAS COMING FROM A POORLY DRESSED BOY OF ABOUT 10 YEARS OLD.
HE WAS SHORT AND THIN. HE HAD NO COAT. HE WAS JUST WEARING A RAGGED FLANNEL SHIRT
TO PROTECT HIM FROM THE COLD EVENINGS CHILL.
ODDLY ENOUGH, HE WAS HOLDING A FIFTY POUND NOTE IN HIS HAND. THINKING THAT HE HAD GOT LOST FROM HIS PARENTS,
I ASKED HIM WHAT WAS WRONG AND HE TOLD ME THIS SAD STORY.
HE SAID THAT HE CAME FROM A LARGE FAMILY. HE HAD THREE BROTHERS AND FOUR
SISTERS. HIS FATHER HAD DIED WHEN HE WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD. HIS MOTHER WAS
POORLY EDUCATED AND WORKED TWO FULL TIME JOBS TO MAKE ENDS MEET.
NEVERTHELESS, SHE HAD MANAGED TO SCRIMP AND SCRAPE TO SAVE A HUNDRED POUNDS
TO BUY HER CHILDREN CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.
THE YOUNG BOY HAD BEEN DROPPED OFF, BY HIS MOTHER, ON THE WAY TO HER SECOND JOB.
HE WAS TO USE THE MONEY TO BUY PRESENTS FOR ALL HIS BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND SAVE JUST
ENOUGH TO TAKE THE BUS HOME.
HE HAD NOT EVEN ENTERED THE SHOPPING CENTRE, WHEN AN OLDER BOY GRABBED ONE OF HIS FIFTY POUND
NOTES AND DISAPPEARED INTO THE NIGHT.
“WHY DIDN’T YOU SCREAM FOR HELP?” I ASKED.
THE BOY SAID, “I DID.”
“AND NOBODY CAME TO HELP YOU?”
THE BOY STARED AT THE GROUND AND SADLY SHOOK HIS HEAD.
“HOW LOUD DID YOU SCREAM?” I ENQUIRED.
THE SOFT-SPOKEN BOY LOOKED UP AND MEEKLY WHISPERED, “HELP ME!”
I REALISED THAT ABSOLUTELY NO ONE COULD HAVE HEARD THAT POOR BOY CRY FOR HELP AS IT WAS SO SOFT.
SO I GRABBED HIS OTHER FIFTY POUND NOTE AND F**KED OFF.

Ooooooh’ yer slippin’ lad

A jelly baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says “ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?”
The Jelly baby says “No mate, I’m a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in”
The Smartie says “Don’t worry about it, I’m a bit of a hard case, I’ll look after you”
Jelly baby thinks about it for a minute and says “fair enough, as long as you’ll look after me” and off they go. After a few beers in the club three Locketts walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.
The Locketts take one look at Jelly baby and starts kicking him, breaking Cola bottles over his little Jelly head, lamping him with a Sugary chair and generally having a laugh.
After a while the get bored and walk out. Jelly baby pulls his battered Jelly baby body over to the table and wipes his Jelly baby blood.
He turns to the Smartie and says “I thought you were going to look after me?”
“I was” says the Smartie, “but those Locketts are Menthol !!”

Swift, they’re absolute gems, thanks for the good laugh

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, “If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.” The men left the doctor’s office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.

No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor’s words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, “You know if you bend over to pick that up, we’re both dead.”

FAX: To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that being with a 54-year old you can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this fax, I hope you will not
wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don’t be perturbed. I shall be back home before midnight”.

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table.

“My Dear Husband, I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I too am very happy with you and value you as a good husband.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54
more often than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be back until lunchtime tomorrow.”

I had to remove a joke, it was a bit too un politically correct, and got complaints. Sorry gents..

They’re the funniest kind Frank

I had to remove a joke, it was a bit too un politically correct, and got complaints. Sorry gents..

I kind of hoped it would be mine ? 🙁

I had to remove a joke, it was a bit too un politically correct, and got complaints. Sorry gents..

It was absolutley atrocious; but my god it was funny.

There are some good jokes on eBaum’s World.

Understand. Sorry.

I had to remove a joke, it was a bit too un politically correct, and got complaints. Sorry gents..

Oooooh Allen, are ye smokin’ or drinkin’ it

A young couple decide to start a family, so nine months later a little boy is born. Unfortunately he has no arms or legs, torso or anything other than his little head.

Unperturbed, the loving couple decide to bring him up normally as their first born child. The years pass and little head goes to school, learns to ride a bike and hangs out with the other boys, until the day comes of his 18th birthday.

“Well son” says his father. “It’s your 18th birthday and the day you become a man, let’s got to the pub and I’ll buy you your first drink.”

So off they go down to the local bar where the father orders up a couple of beers for him and the boy. He takes the beer and pours it into little head’s mouth for him. Little head guzzles it down in one gulp and suddenly there’s a blinding flash and SHAAZAAM !!! out pops a little body from the head !!! 😮

“Bloody hell!” says the father, “quick barman give him another drink!” The barman pours a double whisky, which the boy again guzzles down like it’s going out of fashion.

SHAAZAAAAM !!! out pops two arms !!!

“Quick barman, more drink, more drink!” screams the father !!!

The barman hurriedly prepares a triple margarita and a couple of tequila slammers which the boy throws down his neck like he’s late for sunday mass.

SHAAAZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!! out pops two legs and the boy is all complete! Unfortunately he’s now completely trousered and staggers out the door into the path of an oncoming bus and is killed outright.

“Oh noooo!” sighs the father, just when he finally gets a body and arms and legs of his own this has to go and happen?”

The barman shrugs and sympathetically puts his arm around the father’s shoulder and says ” You know what….? He should have quit whilst he was a head.” 😀

Quality, Steve! 😀

Brilliant… simply brilliant!
BARNOWL