Jokes

Three opticians walk into a bar. Surely one of them should have seen it.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first goes up to the bartender and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager, please.” The next one says, “and I’ll have half of what he’s having.” The bartender says, “You’re all idiots,” and pulls two pints.

A farmer goes to see John, the local vet, about one of his sheep.

“Ah John”, said the farmer, “I’ve got a bit of a problem”.

“Well”, said the vet, “what is it exactly?”.

“Well, it’s like this”, replied the farmer, “I have a homosexual ram”.

“A homosexual ram?”, asked the Vet, slightly confused, “why would that be a problem. In this day and age homosexuality is no longer frowned upon as much as it used to be”.

“I know that”, said the farmer, “it’s just that he’s the only bloody ram I’ve got”.

(Don’t ask 😀 😀 :D)

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: “I went by your grandma’s house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!”
The biker looks at him and doesn’t say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: “I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!”
The biker’s buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, “I’ll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!”
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,
“Grandpa,……. Go home, you’re drunk.

I once had a dog named Minton, after the pottery firm. One evening it swallowed a shuttlecock. I whistled, called him over and said, “Bad Minton”.

A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were all locked in a room with a magic mirror. The mirror speaks to the group and says that if they say something that’s true then they can have two wishes, but if they lie, they will die a horrible, violent death. So the brunette goes first. She goes up to the mirror and says”I think I’m pretty”, to which the mirror grants her her two wishes. The red-head is up next, and she says “I think I’m smart”, and again the mirror gives her her two wishes. Finally, it is the turn of the blonde, and before she says anything, the mirror says “If you lie you will die a horrible death”. “I understand”, she says, and explodes.

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said, “That’s no problem. How many do you want?”

The man answered, “Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces.”

The pharmacist said “That won’t do you any good.”

The elderly gentleman said “That’s all right. I don’t need them for sex anymore, as I’m over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t pee on my shoes”.

Heard it before… Except in that version, the parrot didn’t say “sod”.

Still funny though! :D:D

A pet shop owner has a talking parrot he can’t sell,because all it will say is,” **** off,you ugly ****** “.
He decides to re-train the bird.It takes 6 months,but at last the parrot is ready to sell.
A man comes into the shop to buy a parrot.He likes the look of the bird,but notices that it has a piece of string tied to each leg.
“What are they for ?” he asks the shopkeeper.
“Pull the string to make him talk”,he replies.
The man pulls the string attached to the bird’s left leg.
The parrot says,”Hello,how are you?”
He pulls the string attached to the right leg,and the parrot says,”Have a nice day”.
“That’s fantastic!”,says the man,”And what would happen if I pulled both strings at once?”
The parrot replies.
“I’d fall off the perch,you silly sod”.

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager…
After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,

“Wow, She’s fat!”

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy’s ear to be quiet…

A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far as they would go and announced; “I’ll bet her bum is this wide!”

The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

Just then her pager began to emit a “beep, beep, beep”

The little boy yelled out, “Run for your f**king life, she’s reversing!!”

Bored and alone in London, a man visits several bars and clubs and gets a bit drunk. On his travels he has accumulated several of those business cards left on the bar. You know the sort. “For a good time ring Judy, no holes barred …..”
Back in his room, he’s further bored.
He picks up the top card, dials the number and a female says “Good evening”. He then requested that he be whipped, tied up, blindfolded and then made love to in 22 positions and in every part of his room.
“That’s a wonderful idea sir, but please dial 9 for the outside line”

One night, a businessman comes back early from a business trip to Dublin. Later that evening, at about twelve o’clock, the telephone rings. The man answers and says irately “How the hell should I know, I live in Oxford”. “Who was it dear”? “Oh, just some twit who wanted to know if the coast was clear”.

The Hunchback of Notre Dam walks into Top Shop “Got a suit for me?”.
“If we have, some basads getting the sack!”

After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

‘ Ladies and gentlemen , this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293 , non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and ……….OH, MY GOD !’

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
‘Ladies and gentlemen , I’m sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you , the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!’

One Irish passenger yelled, “The front of your pants….Jaysus you should see the back of mine! ‘

There are two blondes out walking in the countryside, when all of a sudden they come across a pair of tracks. “I think they’re deer tracks,” says one. “They can’t be,” said the other. They were still arguing when the train hit them.

The wife’s birthday is coming up and she is trying to drop hints about what she would like. “something in white that goes from zero to 200 in five seconds” was one of the hints so I got her a set of bathroom scales.

“Excuse me,vicar”,says a man going into a church on Sunday morning,”my bicycle’s been stolen.I wonder if you could mention in the service today just how wrong it is to steal?”
“Of course I will”,says the vicar.”As a matter of fact,I was going to preach on the ten commandments anyway”.
The vicar preaches a thundering sermon on the ten commandments,thou shalt not kill,thou shalt not steal and so on.
Later on in the week the vicar meets the man wheeling his bycycle.
“Hello,my son,”says the vicar,”I see you’ve got your bicycle back.Maybe my sermon pricked somebody’s conscience,eh ?”
“Oh no,it wasn’t that”,says the man.
“It was when you mentioned adultery I suddenly remembered where I’d left it !”

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback café with a full-grown emu behind
him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The truckie says, “A
hamburger, chips and a coke,” and turns to the emu, “What’s yours?” “I’ll
have the same,” says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order “That will be $9.40
please,” and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, “A hamburger,
chips and a coke.” The emu says, “I’ll have the same.” Again the truckie
reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the
waitress. “No, it’s Friday night, so I’ll have a steak, baked potato and a
salad,” says the man. “Same,” says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings
the order and says, “That will be $32.62.” Once again the man pulls the
exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, mate,
how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket
every time?” “Well, love” says the truckie, “a few years ago, I was
cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a
Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever
had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the
right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for
as long as you live!” “That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a
Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “What’s with the bloody emu?” The truckie sighs,
pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ar*e
and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.”

John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
‘Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?’ asked John.
‘Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,’ said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

‘Son,’ said John, ‘this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.’
‘We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.’ said Tommy.
‘What did you watch?’ asked Marsha.
‘The Ten Commandments.’ answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, ‘I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.’
‘I am ashamed of you son,’ said John. ‘When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.’

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, ‘Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can’t be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!’

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and slapped her right off her chair.

_________________

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his
tomato
garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only
son,Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote letter
to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
>> I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won’t be able to
>> plant my
>> tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a
>> garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I
know
>> you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
>> Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:
>> Dear Dad,
>> Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the bodies.
>> Love, Vinnie

>> At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and
>> dug up
>> the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the
>> old man
>> and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his
>> son:

>> Dear Dad,
>> Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do
>> under the
>> circumstances.
>> Love you, Vinnie………
>>

Deep in the jungle where not even David Attenborough has penetrated there lives a small furry creature totally unknown to science. The strangest thing about this creature is that although it feeds on fruit growing high in the trees it is very bad at climbing those trees. So it has to use a special tool – one with four pointed hooks – with which it can climb to even the highest branches.

But one morning this small furry creature woke up (in its nest on the jungle floor) to find that its four-point tool had disappeared. Distraught that it could not even get itself breakfast, it rushed about searching desperately for the missing tool.

Arriving at the river’s edge, the creature found a hippopotamus.
“Hello mister hippopotamus,” the small furry creature said, “I’ve lost my tool – the one with four points that I use for climbing trees – have you seen it?”
“I’m very sorry, small furry creature,” the hippopotamus replied, “I haven’t. But why don’t you try asking mister giraffe. He can see a long way and perhaps he’s seen it”
“Thanks, mister hippopotamus,” said the small furry creature, and went off to find the giraffe.

Eventually he found the giraffe and called up to him “Hello mister giraffe!”
The giraffe bent down to hear and the small furry creature said “Have you seen my four-point tool – the one I use for climbing trees?”
The giraffe straightened up, stretched, and peered all around. Then he bent back down and said “I’m very sorry, small furry creature, but I can’t see your tool anywhere at all.”
“OK, well thank you for looking,” replied the small furry creature, and crept off disconsolately.

By and by he was walking along a path, looking for fallen fruit, when a fierce-looking big cat leaped out of the undergrowth in front of him. The small furry creature was terrified, but in his desperation found the courage to say “Hello mister big cat, have you seen my tool with four points? I’ve lost it and can’t climb trees without it.”
“Yes,” said the big cat.
“Oh, good,” said the small furry creature, “where is it?”
“I ate it,” said the big cat.
“But why?” asked the small furry creature, even more distraught than ever, “why did you eat it?”
The big cat shrugged and answered “because I’m a four-point tool eater jaguar”.

Q. How do you get a sweet, 80-year-old lady to say the “F” word?
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A. Get another sweet, 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”