A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she
pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here
will buy a lady a drink?”
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her But down at the
end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the
counter and bellowed, “Give the ballerina a drink!”
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She
turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,
revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, “What man here will buy a
lady a drink?”
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar
and said, “Give the ballerina another drink!”
The bartender approached the little drunk and said,
“I say, old chap, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a
drink, but why do you keep calling her – the ballerina?”
The drunk replied, “Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got
to be a ballerina!”

(then a small circular stamp bearing, amongst other marks, the letters ‘VS’)

Inspection stamp?

Vegas: A bar named “Cheetah’s”……. Do NOT!! take the wife…. you can thank me later… I cannot over emphasize the fact that this is NOT!!!!!! a place to take the missus too…. unless she’s er, that way inclined.. Pack the missus off for a look at Fremont street.. at night.. which oddly enough is also the time ya wanna be at Cheetah’s.. :dev2: :dev2: :dev2: :dev2:

Going to Chino? Most of the resto shops there will let you have a butchers at stuff they are working on. Just treat em to lunch at Flo’s … (biscuits & gravy, you can thank me for that one later also..)

& find yerself a bottle or 12 of RedHook ESB, thats another thing you thank me for … :dev2:

🙂 It’s a historic remnant from Mick Allen’s fettish days. 🙂

.. and you know this because…..? 😀

A minister was seated next to a marine on a flight. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The marine asked for a whiskey and soda, which the flight attendant brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely groped by brazen harlots than let liquor touch my lips.” The marine then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, “Me, too. I didn’t know we had a choice.”
……………..
A young man is staggering about drunk with a key in his hand.
“What’s going on ‘ere then?” says a passing policeman.
“They stole me bloody car!” shouts the drunk.
“Where did you last see it?” asks the copper.
“On the end of this key!” wails the drunk.
The policeman looks him over and says, “Are you aware, sir, that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?”
“Holy ****!” screams the drunk; “They got me girlfriend too!”
…………………
Advice for young girlfriends
Q: How do I know if I’m ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He’ll know when the time is
right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much
more responsible, since they’re not as emotionally
confused as women. It’s a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The
important thing to remember is that you must do
whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes,
however, he may ask you to do certain things that may
at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don’t
feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you’ve finished
making love, he’ll have a natural desire to leave you
suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or
perhaps another activity, such as going out with his
friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large
amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts
with his buddies. Don’t feel left out — while he’s
gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning
the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an
expensive gift. He’ll come back when he’s ready.

Q: What is “afterplay”?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to
replenish his manly energy. “Afterplay” is simply a
list of important activities for you to do after
lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette,
making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few
beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out
and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not
quantity, is important, studies show this is simply
not true. The average erect male penis measures about
three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely
rare and if by some chance your lover’s sexual organ
is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees
and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible
to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his
apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There’s no such thing. It’s a myth.
………………..
More Life Lesons – Signs of being drunk
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case – coincidence?
Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you walk in.
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women
Roseanne looks good.
Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
“I’m as jober as a sudge.”
……………..

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly, he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right next to him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o’clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, “Oh no!!! My wife’s dinner party!!!” He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he’s been all this time. He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said – “Come on guys, we’re almost there!”
……………..
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your stupid cat.”
…………………
An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer’s given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.

“What happened?” says the doctor.

“Well,” the old man starts, “I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left — nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing.”

The doctor bursts out, “You asked your neighbor?”

“Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn’t get that damn jar open.”
……………….

Michael Jackson has been found guilty of kiddy fiddling & sentanced to 10 years..

The judge said “you’re lucky it’s just 10 years, if you’d been black it would have been 20..”

& can someone PM the deleted joke to me pls? :dev2:

Didn’t they swing the gear while it was up on jacks? :confused: