Johannesburg was, sadly, an unmitigated disaster. During the flight I realised what an idiot I had been, and that instead of open jawing my itinerary like I had, I easily could have got my flight between Joburg and Cape Town included as a stopover or even a layover.

Anyway, the damage was done, and I headed up to the BA counter in the domestic terminal at JNB. BA weren’t able to sell me a ticket online or over the phone, and wanted £150 for it at the ticket desk at Manchester, so I’d decided to do something else I never thought I’d do: Buy a ticket at the airport!

The friendly BA staff were able to sell me a ticket on tomorrow’s 1030 flight to Cape Town for just £50. I paid in cash, and headed downstairs to get a taxi to the hostel I had hastily booked the night before.

It took over an hour to get there, and when I arrived I was instantly regretting it. It was essentially a shed with some beds, located in someone’s back yard. I was pretty knackered so not overly bothered, and decided to get some sleep. The presence later in the day of what I could only assume to be South African drifters smoking away in the room increased my resolve to just sleep through the night. We seemed to be in the middle of nowhere, and there was little information on anything to do.

The next morning one of my room mates offered to take me to the airport for half the cost of the taxi, and I agreed. Helpfully his local knowledge meant we were stuck in traffic, and the journey took over an hour and a half. Arriving at JNB by 1010 for a 1030 flight was not good news, and I stupidly headed over to an empty Traveller desk rather than queuing for a potentially more cooperative Club desk.

I was told I was “very late” and to go to the ticket desk. They were very nice about it, and I was recognised from the day before as well. It would cost another £50 to get onto the next flight (Friday afternoon now, so getting busy/expensive) and I enquired how much more it would be to get into Club. After being told it was likely to be “very expensive” it only turned out to be another £50. As I was half prepared to pay £150 for the discount economy fare in the UK anyway, I decided to treat myself, and splurged for the Club ticket for what worked out as the same price.

Security was really busy, with only two operative scanners out of a total of I think eight. As is always the way, as soon as I got to the front two more were opened up! Never mind, I had a few hours to kill in the Terraces lounge, and I was pleasantly surprised by the facilities on offer.

Half way through browsing all the PCs switched off, something to do with the chronic power outages that were extending over the city I assumed, although it was strange that nothing else seemed affected.

Annoyingly the 1030 flight was called at about 1100, maybe if I had gone to that Club desk and flashed my AA card I would have got put onto this flight for free. Again, I shrugged this off, and went back to the front desk to clear up some confusion over my AA number. It was not printed on my BP despite being told that it definitely was in the booking. There were 6 staff members on the front desk which seemed overkill, but they were able to get my number on. The fact that I had my Platinum card on me but was showing as an Emerald on their system confused them, but delighted me, as it was the first time BA’s IT had recognised any AA status other than Gold for me.

Having had a pretty rough experience in South Africa so far, I asked them to check if there was any availability for me to change my flight potentially to an earlier one home from CPT, and was told I still had several options open for changing. I went back into the lounge and had a few sandwiches. These seem universally prepared all over the world, one of those nice items of BA consistency!

Soon 1245 was upon us and we were boarding through the downstairs bus gates. Our 737-300 was parked next to a beautiful Ilyushin 76, and that Soviet attitude was clearly extending to the staff who insisted that I “gate check” my bag. Being sat in Club did not convince them one bit.

Boarding the Comair operated BA aircraft was just like boarding a 733 out of Gatwick, with the exception of having cloth seats rather than leather. We had a bit of a slot delay due to ATC shortages, but the seats were more than comfortable. Being South Africa, local Sparkling Wine was offered, and advertised as such rather than Champagne, and sadly it wasn’t especially palatable.

Soon we were up and away on our path towards Cape Town. The Comair in flight magazine is called Horizons, and is infinitely better than BA’s own High Life publication. The Club advert in the back stated that among other things we would get a printed menu, which sadly was not the case.

Nevertheless the food was very good, first off a fresh salad, followed by the cart with a choice of three main courses, veggie, chicken, or fish. I enquired as to what exactly the fish was, but the crew didn’t know. I went for it anyway, and despite being very pleasant I still don’t know what it was! Dessert was a small tub of Haagen Dazs, again with several different choices.

To drink was the same Sparkling Wine, and four different choices of regular stuff. I went for the Shiraz, which was very pleasant, although it held nothing on the superb Chateau I enjoyed on the way to JNB. I opted for a cup of tea to follow, and before I knew it we were descending into Cape Town with an amazing view of Table Mountain and the city below.

Arrival was quick and easy, and I jumped into a taxi to my next Hostel, praying it was going to be better than my previous establishment.

Thankfully it was, warm, friendly rooms, with lots of international travellers from all over the world. Best of all, the place had an amazing bar and restaurant, with some quite amazing food for a backpackers hostel!

The next four days were great fun, I went out on a day tour of the Cape Peninsula, driving, walking and cycling across the nature reserve and to all the notable features. The next day I took a tour of some of the Townships, which despite being reasonably obviously staged in some of the “interactive” parts was still a huge eye opener. Later that day we took a tour of Robben Island, and the following day I spent wandering round the waterfront and the city bowl.

I was really disappointed not to go on a tour of the wine country, as well as to visit one of the game reserves further out into the country. I was so glad I did not change my flight in the end, I had far too little time in South Africa, and especially Cape Town before heading back to the airport that night.

Having spent all of Tuesday in the waterfront area of Cape Town I decided to head to the airport earlier than usual, and took a 4pm shuttle for an 8pm flight. The traffic was fine at this time of day, and we arrived at the airport well over three hours before departure. Despite this the queue for check in was rather large, but the Club desks, and single First desk were both quiet. I enquired about changing to an earlier shuttle at the First desk, and was redirected back to the ticket desk.

Explaining that I was concerned that my 1h45m connection in LHR was potentially not long enough for me to transfer, get a shower, and breakfast, all without giving myself a heart attack, the friendly chap on the desk did some tapping. The fact that I had OLCI’d the night before was a bit of a problem, but he was able to offload and rebook me without too much hassle.

I was redirect over to the First desk, and checked in uneventfully for both flights, securing 2K on the flight to London. I was directed to the lounge on the 2nd floor, pointing upstairs, and I enquired if it was landside. Yes was the response, so I set about trying to find it in the small space between the escalator and security. It clearly wasn’t there, so I passed through security and up another escalator, and sure enough there was the Terraces lounge!

I was pleasantly surprised with how big it was considering BA has just one flight a day in this terminal, and had a shower in one of two available units. There was still some time before departure, so I grabbed a couple of sandwiches, and, avoiding the South African fizz, grabbed another glass of Shiraz.

Everyone was giving me very funny looks in the lounge, I get this a bit sometimes because as a fresh faced 20 year old in jeans and a t-shirt some people obviously feel I am bringing down the tone or suchlike, but seriously, the vast majority of people were giving me funny looks!

I couldn’t noticeably work out anything else unusual about me at that time, so just shrugged it off and sat back with my glass of wine. Alas, a fly had beaten me to it and was drunkenly swimming around to its death. Lovely.

Before too long boarding was being called outside the lounge, and a few people wandered off. I followed a few minutes later, and as I walked out the lounge staff announced boarding to the rest of the lounge.

The gate had no noticeable fast track line, just one very very long snaking main line. After a couple of seconds I noticed a BA staff member standing by the tensa barrier and I went up to her and asked if I really had to wait in this long line whilst flashing my First boarding pass. She informed me that I did not, and let me through to the gate.

The boarding pass reader took a shine to my BP, and swallowed it whole. After some wrestling with the machine my mangled BP was returned to me, and I joined the much faster moving queue on board our 747.

I was greeted by name, and escorted through the small Club cabin into the First cabin, and introduced to seat 2A. I was asked straight away if I wanted a drink, and again requested the champagne. I adjusted my seat to the comfy position, and was soon back in that wonderful situation, a glass of champagne and a BA First Class seat. Wonderful!

Once more I changed into my PJs, but this time before we departed. There were meant to be five of us in First tonight, however two couples were upgraded onboard into the vacant middle seats. Soon enough we were airborne after boarding quicker than expected, and the Captain thanked us all for allowing a speedy departure.

The menus were handed out as we got underway, and my champagne glass was topped up on several occasions while I perused our options:

Starters

Balsamic roasted salmon served with a Creole salad and chilli dressing

Roasted pepper with tomato, anchovy and garlic

Green pea and avocado soup

Fresh salad leaves with your choice of balsamic vinaigrette or ranch dressing

Main

Grilled fillet steak with sumo chips, broccoli, roasted vegetables and green peppercorn sauce

Breast of chicken with garlic and cream cheese on pesto rice, spinach timbale and roast pepper sauce

Seafood au Gratin served with roast vegetables, courgette and herb butter

Warm lamb kofta served on fresh tabouleh with lemon and mint and flat bread

Dessert

Warm chocolate coffee fondant

Blackberry ripple cheese cake

Cheese Plate

A selection of cheese

A basket of fresh fruit

Snacks

Fresh pasta with your choice of tomato and olive or blue cheese sauce

Bacon roll served with tomato ketchup

Duchy of Cornwall biscuits

A basket containing a selection of sweet and savoury treats is available between meals

I was slightly under whelmed with the options available compared with the ex London flight, and was even more so when I requested the Salmon to start and the Lamb to follow, and was told that both were unavailable!

I double checked that orders were taken from the front, and expressed my surprise that being in 2K I was unable to get either of my choices! The purser was very apologetic, and when I asked about what exactly constituted “Seafood au Gratin” went off to find out.

At this stage the CSD came round, a very pleasant chap from Newcastle, who shook my hand, and asked if everything was OK. I told him about being unable to secure my meal choices, and he was even more apologetic than the purser, telling me the situation was not good enough. I joked that I was just going to have to make do with something else, and we agreed that I was unlikely to be disappointed.

The explanation of the Seafood was certainly to my satisfaction, Squid and Lobster spread over a puff pastry base. I joked that had it been labelled as such on the menu, everyone would have gone for “the lobster” rather than what looked to be the most appealing in “the Lamb”!

I decided on something different to start and went for the pepper, with the offer of soup to accompany it declined. I kept going with the champagne, but was not offered a top up, or a switch to wine to accompany my main course. However this did not disappoint as the Seafood au Gratin was very good indeed!

I enquired as to which dessert was looking best tonight, and the purser admitted he hadn’t seen them yet, but brought me both out to take a look at and decide, offering me both if I fancied. I declined that offer, and went for the chocolate coffee fondant, and a glass of the Port.

Being a 1988 bottle, it was almost as old as I was (1987!) and was absolutely incredible. I got a top up and snuggled down into my deeply reclined seat feeling all warm and fuzzy.

During the meal I was trying to get good old channel 10 back on again, having been quite looking forward to listening to both Mika and Kaiser Chiefs albums again. However a whole raft of audio channels were not functioning, and I raised this with the purser who in turn raised it with the CSD.

Simon came to my seat and asked what the problem was, and I told him about the non functional audio channels. He disappeared for quite some time, but came back to tell me that he’d fiddled around and that indeed several of the audio channels were indeed not working, and there was nothing he could do to remedy it. He listed the channels that weren’t working, and I said that, yes, channel 10 was the one I wanted to listen to. He looked in High Life, and said ah yes, Kaiser Chiefs, apologised profusely for letting me down again, and wandered off.

A few minutes later he was back, and said that he’d been able to take the CD off the functioning audio channel 16, and had moved the Mika/Kaiser Chiefs albums onto that channel. I tuned into 16, and sure enough, these were indeed playing. I thanked him and hoped he didn’t get too many complaints for taking wellbeing in the air off!

Soon though I was feeling tired, and went to the bathroom to get ready for bed. Again I asked the crew for my bed to be turned down, and after first thinking I was asking for the temperature to be turned down, they agreed. I returned uneventful from the bathroom, PJs unsoiled, and snuggled down into bed.
Despite still feeling far from adequate, I was able to get a few hours of sleep, and once again that annoying mood lighting was being switched on, signifying the beginning of the end for my trip.

I dozed a little longer, and soon had my breakfast order taken:

Starters

Chilled fruit juice

An energising fruit smoothie

A selection of yoghurts

A selection of cereals

Fresh Seasonal fruit plate

Bakery

A wide selection of breakfast pastries and rolls

Main

Scrambled eggs, bacon, mushrooms, sausage and tomato

Roast pepper frittata

Bacon club sandwich

Once more this seemed slightly less than what we had on the way out, but in any case I ate far too much then, and the bacon club sandwich sounded far more to my liking.

I had the fruit salad and smoothie first though, and washed it all down with a nice pot of tea.

The bakery was never offered, but before I knew it we had started our descent, and I headed to the bathroom to change back into my offending jeans and t-shirt. Simon was eating his brekkie as I came out, and I went over to him and expressed my gratitude for his efforts once again, before taking my seat for landing.

We only broke through the clouds as we were turning over London, and as ever got a picture postcard view of the capital. Sitting in 2K afforded a great view forward as well as to the side, and I could see the lights of the northerly runway from quite some way out, meaning that we were landing on the southerly. Great, no long taxi for us!
A smooth touchdown followed, and we parked up at our gate on the main pier without delay, and a good few minutes early. The bridge was immediately attached, and I sadly disembarked, shaking Simon’s hand at the door as we parted.

No long walks from the Victor pier today, and I was following the FCC signs, and onto the bus in minutes. There was one there waiting for us, and it left seconds after I got on. The drive through the tunnels was over in minutes also, and the longest part of the whole process was queuing for security. My First BP got me into the Fast Track line which seemed to be moving just as fast as the main line, and I was through and into the lounge less than half an hour from touching down.

Transiting LHR CAN be stressful, but having done it around ten times this year alone, I can honestly say its never taken me any longer than half an hour. I’m not a firm believer in karma, but mine is so blatantly stacked against me its ridiculous!

Once more the lounge “dragon” did not live up to her name. I arrived at the lounge just after seven, and after explaining that I had changed flights last night as a precaution, she agreed to put me back onto my original 0845 departure, rather than my new 1055 flight. On the phone she then tried to get me onto the still open 0740 departure, but I vigorously shook my head. After confirming the 0845 I thanked her very much for her proactiveness, but didn’t think my fellow passengers on the shuttle and indeed on the train would thank her if I didn’t have a shower. She assured me I didn’t smell that bad!

After my customary shower I grabbed a bowl of cereal and yoghurt, and watched the movements over the northern runway from the deckchairs by the window.

The shuttle was a real non event after the last flight, and I chatted to an Australian couple who had just flown Club from Sydney and were visiting relatives in Doncaster. Surprisingly half the crew from the CPT flight were also positioning back to Manchester, but they didn’t seem to notice me hidden away in 1A.

All too soon the entire trip was over, and after a record two hour transfer I was back in my box room, located on a cobbled terraced street in the student ghettos of Leeds.

What a come down!