:D:D:D

Q. How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader?
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A. Tell him that immigrants kill paedophiles.

:D:D:D

Good footie gags, I’ve heard most of ’em before though – the teams tend to change, depending on who’s telling the joke!

I’m still trying to find my 1% of clean jokes… :D:D:D

**EDIT**

Found one…

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the clerk. He can see from her name badge that her name is Patricia Whack.

‘Miss Whack, I’d like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday.’

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, ‘Sure. I have this,’ and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, ‘There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.’

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. ‘I mean, what in the world is this?’

The bank manager looks back at her and says…

‘It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.’

Hopefully there will be a dedicated “Grammar” test too…

One of the things that REALLY annoys me is incorrect use of apostrophes.
eg. “This shop open’s on Sunday’s.”

It concerns me that poor standards of English have spread through the teaching profession itself; only last week I was assisting my cousin with his GCSE project. His teacher had identified a couple of spelling mistakes – one of them (the word “necessary”) was in fact correctly spelt by my cousin! :eek::rolleyes:
The same teacher had made a few notes: “A-. This would have been an A+ had it not been for your 2 spelling mistake’s.”

Worrying… :rolleyes::rolleyes:

:D:D:D:D:D

Just hope he remembers to load the shotgun… Owww.

20/20 here… Though the test wasn’t exactly difficult… :rolleyes:

:D:D:D

Good one…

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

“What about the wooden leg?” the bartender says. “You didn’t have that before.”

“Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.” says the pirate.

“Well, okay but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?” asked the bartender.

“We were in another battle.” replied the pirate. “I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off, but I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.”

Then the bartender asks, “So, what about that eye patch?”

The pirate replies, “Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of sea gulls flew over. I looked up and one of them sh1t in my eye.”

“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t lose an eye just from bird sh1t.”

The pirate responds, “It was my first day with the hook.”

Ghandi was a great spiritual leader.
He walked around everywhere without shoes, so he had huge callouses on his feet. He was also famous for his hunger strikes, which rendered him rather frail, in addition to giving him bad breath.

So what did this make him?
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(say it out loud)
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A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

It was also at ASDA Long Eaton a while back…