A train hits a bus load of school girls and they all perish.They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, “Sharon, have you ever had any
contact with a penis?”
She giggles and shyly replies, “Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.”
St. Peter says, “OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy
Water and pass through the gate.”
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Karina have you ever had any contact with a penis?”
The girl is a little reluctant but replies “Well once I fondled and stroked one.” St. Peter says “OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.”
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line, St. Petersays, “Susan! What seems to be the rush?”
The girl replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy
Water, I want to do it before Tracy sticks her arse in it!!

EARLIER THIS WEEK, I THOUGHT THAT I WOULD MAKE AN EARLY START ON MY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING.
I WAS STRESSED OUT AND NOT THINKING VERY FONDLY OF THE CHRISTMAS SEASON RIGHT THEN.
IT WAS DARK, COLD, AND WET IN THE MULTI STORY CAR PARK.
AS I LOADED MY CAR UP WITH THE GIFTS I BOUGHT, I NOTICED THAT I WAS MISSING THE PARKING
TICKET I NEEDED TO GET OUT OF THE CAR PARK, SO MUMBLING UNDER MY BREATH,
I RETRACED MY STEPS TO THE SHOPPING CENTRE ENTRANCE.
AS I WAS SEARCHING THE WET PAVEMENT FOR THE LOST RECEIPT, I HEARD A QUIET SOBBING.
THE CRYING WAS COMING FROM A POORLY DRESSED BOY OF ABOUT 10 YEARS OLD.
HE WAS SHORT AND THIN. HE HAD NO COAT. HE WAS JUST WEARING A RAGGED FLANNEL SHIRT
TO PROTECT HIM FROM THE COLD EVENINGS CHILL.
ODDLY ENOUGH, HE WAS HOLDING A FIFTY POUND NOTE IN HIS HAND. THINKING THAT HE HAD GOT LOST FROM HIS PARENTS,
I ASKED HIM WHAT WAS WRONG AND HE TOLD ME THIS SAD STORY.
HE SAID THAT HE CAME FROM A LARGE FAMILY. HE HAD THREE BROTHERS AND FOUR
SISTERS. HIS FATHER HAD DIED WHEN HE WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD. HIS MOTHER WAS
POORLY EDUCATED AND WORKED TWO FULL TIME JOBS TO MAKE ENDS MEET.
NEVERTHELESS, SHE HAD MANAGED TO SCRIMP AND SCRAPE TO SAVE A HUNDRED POUNDS
TO BUY HER CHILDREN CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.
THE YOUNG BOY HAD BEEN DROPPED OFF, BY HIS MOTHER, ON THE WAY TO HER SECOND JOB.
HE WAS TO USE THE MONEY TO BUY PRESENTS FOR ALL HIS BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND SAVE JUST
ENOUGH TO TAKE THE BUS HOME.
HE HAD NOT EVEN ENTERED THE SHOPPING CENTRE, WHEN AN OLDER BOY GRABBED ONE OF HIS FIFTY POUND
NOTES AND DISAPPEARED INTO THE NIGHT.
“WHY DIDN’T YOU SCREAM FOR HELP?” I ASKED.
THE BOY SAID, “I DID.”
“AND NOBODY CAME TO HELP YOU?”
THE BOY STARED AT THE GROUND AND SADLY SHOOK HIS HEAD.
“HOW LOUD DID YOU SCREAM?” I ENQUIRED.
THE SOFT-SPOKEN BOY LOOKED UP AND MEEKLY WHISPERED, “HELP ME!”
I REALISED THAT ABSOLUTELY NO ONE COULD HAVE HEARD THAT POOR BOY CRY FOR HELP AS IT WAS SO SOFT.
SO I GRABBED HIS OTHER FIFTY POUND NOTE AND F**KED OFF.

A jelly baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says “ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?”
The Jelly baby says “No mate, I’m a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in”
The Smartie says “Don’t worry about it, I’m a bit of a hard case, I’ll look after you”
Jelly baby thinks about it for a minute and says “fair enough, as long as you’ll look after me” and off they go. After a few beers in the club three Locketts walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.
The Locketts take one look at Jelly baby and starts kicking him, breaking Cola bottles over his little Jelly head, lamping him with a Sugary chair and generally having a laugh.
After a while the get bored and walk out. Jelly baby pulls his battered Jelly baby body over to the table and wipes his Jelly baby blood.
He turns to the Smartie and says “I thought you were going to look after me?”
“I was” says the Smartie, “but those Locketts are Menthol !!”

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, “If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.” The men left the doctor’s office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.

No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor’s words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, “You know if you bend over to pick that up, we’re both dead.”

FAX: To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that being with a 54-year old you can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this fax, I hope you will not
wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don’t be perturbed. I shall be back home before midnight”.

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table.

“My Dear Husband, I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I too am very happy with you and value you as a good husband.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54
more often than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be back until lunchtime tomorrow.”

Still there but the word on the street is that the nose is to be chopped and the rest will be going to the scrapman.

Joke 1)
George and Annie are sat at the table having their tea, when a spaceship lands in their back garden, they are not afraid and go outside to see it after a while a door opens and out steps a Marshan and his wife.

As George and Annie are keen on wife swapping, Annie asked the marshan whats your willy like and a trap door opens in his pants and out came the smallest willy you ever saw, she said its not very long is it, so he twisted his right ear and it shot out to be about a foot long, she said well its okay a bit like a pencil not very wide, he twisted his left ear and it swelled up to anout 5 inches across WOW she said that’ll do nicely and dragged him off to bed. Meanwhile George took the Marshan’s wife to bed, in the morning they give their visitors some breakfast and the marshans decide to leave and continue their travels and as the spaceship is lifting off Annie says to George well what a night I had it was fantastic!! How did you go on George? He said well I suppose it was alright but she wouldn’t leave my ears alone all bloody night.
(Joke 2)

Two girls were out on the town one night, and later they were walking home it was very late.

They both wanted to go to the toilet and one girl said lets go in the graveyard and have a wee there, but one girl said I’ve got nothing to wipe myself on the other one said oh I’m going to use my knickers and through them away but the first one said well I can’t do that, I am wearing very expensive underwear, well look there’s a wreath over there take that purple sash of and use that so thats what they did.

A few days later their husbands were out in the pub and they got talking and one said I don’t know what the girls were up to the other night mine came home with no knickers on, and the other said oh thats nothing mine had a card stuck up her arse saying “With Love from big Jim and all the guys from blue watch” We’ll never forget you!!

(Joke 3)

A lady went into hospital for a pussy tuck, after the operation she was recovering in a sideward when three bunches of flowers arrived one was from her husband, and one was from the sugeon but there was another one from Eric? she said to the nurse who the hell is Eric? Oh Eric is the burns unit on ward 7 he said thanks for the new ears……..