YOU’RE ALL A BUNCH OF PANSIES. Perhaps F18 Hamburger can be forgiven, but really, water? Toast? Fruit? Cereal? MUESLI? Are you MAD? What good is that?

Weekdays – I roll out of bed half an hour before I leave for work. It’s a swig of Pepsi followed by instant coffee – 2 spoons of the stuff. Usually Nescafe, perhaps Carte Noir. 1 spoon of brown sugar – either Demerara or Muscovado. And milk. Weekdays are rubbish for breakfast. But I refuse to compromise on morning food.

Then comes the weekend. NOW for breakfast. (With the exception of the summertime prawning season, which entails a 5am start and a pack of 6 Wagon Wheels with 2 mugs of coffee)

A couple of mugs of Carte Noir filter coffee. The first while making the breakfast.

2 eggs.
2 pork sausages (the fatty ones with loads of bread and gristle in them)
4 rashers of back bacon. (Proper cured stuff from an olde tyme butcher. Not full of water, barely shrinks, and tastes divine. Rind and large amounts of fat hacked off with a big knife.)
3 tomatoes. Halved and fried.
A mug full of mushrooms.
A couple of inches of black pudding (a large scab) sliced. (This is not always done, only when I remember to buy it)
Left over mash potato (half a pan worth) / Hash browns (at least 4) / sliced potatoes (loads, previously boiled)

All of the above FRIED. None of that candyass grilling nonsense. In reality, lard should be used, but being health conscious I use vegetable oil. Gotta look after my figure you know.

Toast. 2 rounds. This is only because I cannot manage to make fried bread on my gas cooker. Dunno why. Otherwise, 2 rounds of fried bread would be inserted into the pile instead of the toast.
Baked Beans. Half a tin. And ONLY Heinz will do.

Finally, Lea and Perrins Worcestershir sauce for the egg, Colmans English Mustard for the sausages, and HP sauce for the other. Sometimes I’ll wrap the whole bloody lot up in a massive crepe.

Of course, all this cooking makes me hungry, so I might have a croissant and a pain chocolat while I am working.

Occasionally, seeing as how I live in a fishing town. (Or did, but lets not mention the scum governments who sold away our fishing industry and closed down our fleets. Should have gone to the Tower, the lot of them. Traitors.) I might have a couple of kippers instead. Proper, oak-smoked kippers from one of the 17th century smokehouses in town.

That is about it. Except for one other breakfast I traditionally eat. Before a Duxford show, just near the airfield, I pop in and have 2 Big Breakfast meals, with extra sausage instead of egg. Lovely snack.

Anyone fancy breakfast?

I use Old Boy quite often as it happens.

I had a Big Tasty on Sunday.

Americans are non-original secondary mutterers. they even say tomato instead of tomato. It’s either because they are lazy and can’t get off the sofa to learn diction, or because they live in a trailer park with people called Bubba next door.

How they EVER got powerful i do not know. Can’t even brew a decent cup of tea.

“This came very near to being as funny as Snapper’s Hendon reply.”

Nah, this is far funnier. Nice one MarkG. (Any relation to Ali?)

“I do sometimes look at my saucepans and wonder whether they saw action over the Ruhr in a previous life.”

You really ought to get out more.

Brandon is out Thetford way. They have a park there where you can go orienteering if you really can’t control yourself. I got lost for a day with a mate when we were 14, and we got more points than anyone else. Therefore we each won a compass.

But that’s by the by.

Brandon is therefore out Moggy’s way. Thetford will have a local newspaper, as well as being covered by the EDP.

You lot can’t see further than your stomachs. It has very little to do with food.

We are fat because we are ill-disciplined.

We are lazy (and getting lazier) we are taught NOT to compete or strive at school (this has been going on for 30 years) and we do not have to pay the consequences of our own actions.

C’mon, fast food is to blame is it? My dad used to eat toast and dripping, suet pudding, treacle pud, fry-ups, red meat etc etc all the time. He also used to play every sport there was going and didn’t have TV or PC’s etc as a kid. Was brought up to be competitive and to WORK hard. Yet all these tosspot doo-gooder hippy’s and ‘social worker’ tree-hugging cardie-wearing types seem to think thats wrong. Freedom, thats what we want. Ket the stupid believe they aren’t. Let the fat believe they aren’t. and so it goes on.

My daughter, at 15 months, has had perhaps 5 prepared meals of baby food. And that because we were flying somewhere. In my house we eat predominantly healthy food – real meat, fish, veg etc. I prepare fry-ups and junk some of the time, but mostly we eat properly. My gut is slightly too big through the crap I eat at work – but i’m like the rest of the nation. Lazy. I can’t be bothered to make a packed lunch.

That, and the end of rationing, plus the lack of capital punishment.

“See what happens when you DON’T use guerilla Paparazzi tactics?”

Yes. You get a nice pic for the album. Instead of cash in the bank.

I’ll be knocking on doors with my fellow witnesses that day.