Sod the meat – the FAT is the important part!

Nope. They never gave enough anyway. And the sausages sucked. And they put porridge in the same cup as the rest. And the beans were coled.

Ah, but the ‘bacon grill’ in the ration packs – that was gorgeous, especially cold. Yum!

Well, first of all (from June to Septembewr where I live) you find a pier.

You go to the pier with drop nets. These can be made with a bicycle wheel and fine net, or you can buy a keep net and cut each section and close it at the bottom. You need to form a cone.

At the bottom of the cone, you tie a persil washing up bag. This you fill with bait – squid, fish, whatever. On the outside, again at the bottom, you put a weight, or put the weight in the persil bag. You tie a ‘cone’ of string, 3 pieces, to attach your main string too, then throw it over the side of the pier, anchoring one end.

When all (8 in my case) nets are out, you go to the first, pull it up, remove the prawns, and drop it down. Then you do the second. Keep going in a circle.
A couple of hours should see you with a couple of kilos of good prawns – and I mean the size of the ones you buy. You may also get big crabs, lobsters, and the occasional decent fish.

On returning home, you bring a big pan of water to the boil. You dump loads of salt in, and return it to the boil. You then dump the live prawns in, which die immediately, and return to the boil. Once it is boiling again, they are done. Cool them off and scoff them after peeling. Lovely. Best damn prawns you’ll ever taste.

Howdy pardner!

Bottled water is for nancy-boys who mince around in tight yellow pants.

Unless you’re in a country where the tap water harbours nasty little critters.

That picture could spark more diets than Atkins.

Oh, I would of course do the cooking myself. You just can’t trust a woman to look after a sausage at that time of day. And what man would want a woman to touch his sausage at breakfast time, when she hasn’t yet slapped her pretty-paint on?

Why would I do that? I have 2 dishwashers. An electric one, and a wife.

Oh, and I suggest that if you fancy breakfast you would be better to arrive the evening before and stay the night. Most females I cook breakfast for find that the most enjoyable way to do things…..

YOU’RE ALL A BUNCH OF PANSIES. Perhaps F18 Hamburger can be forgiven, but really, water? Toast? Fruit? Cereal? MUESLI? Are you MAD? What good is that?

Weekdays – I roll out of bed half an hour before I leave for work. It’s a swig of Pepsi followed by instant coffee – 2 spoons of the stuff. Usually Nescafe, perhaps Carte Noir. 1 spoon of brown sugar – either Demerara or Muscovado. And milk. Weekdays are rubbish for breakfast. But I refuse to compromise on morning food.

Then comes the weekend. NOW for breakfast. (With the exception of the summertime prawning season, which entails a 5am start and a pack of 6 Wagon Wheels with 2 mugs of coffee)

A couple of mugs of Carte Noir filter coffee. The first while making the breakfast.

2 eggs.
2 pork sausages (the fatty ones with loads of bread and gristle in them)
4 rashers of back bacon. (Proper cured stuff from an olde tyme butcher. Not full of water, barely shrinks, and tastes divine. Rind and large amounts of fat hacked off with a big knife.)
3 tomatoes. Halved and fried.
A mug full of mushrooms.
A couple of inches of black pudding (a large scab) sliced. (This is not always done, only when I remember to buy it)
Left over mash potato (half a pan worth) / Hash browns (at least 4) / sliced potatoes (loads, previously boiled)

All of the above FRIED. None of that candyass grilling nonsense. In reality, lard should be used, but being health conscious I use vegetable oil. Gotta look after my figure you know.

Toast. 2 rounds. This is only because I cannot manage to make fried bread on my gas cooker. Dunno why. Otherwise, 2 rounds of fried bread would be inserted into the pile instead of the toast.
Baked Beans. Half a tin. And ONLY Heinz will do.

Finally, Lea and Perrins Worcestershir sauce for the egg, Colmans English Mustard for the sausages, and HP sauce for the other. Sometimes I’ll wrap the whole bloody lot up in a massive crepe.

Of course, all this cooking makes me hungry, so I might have a croissant and a pain chocolat while I am working.

Occasionally, seeing as how I live in a fishing town. (Or did, but lets not mention the scum governments who sold away our fishing industry and closed down our fleets. Should have gone to the Tower, the lot of them. Traitors.) I might have a couple of kippers instead. Proper, oak-smoked kippers from one of the 17th century smokehouses in town.

That is about it. Except for one other breakfast I traditionally eat. Before a Duxford show, just near the airfield, I pop in and have 2 Big Breakfast meals, with extra sausage instead of egg. Lovely snack.

Anyone fancy breakfast?