I broke the toilet seat about 3 years ago. My wife wouldn’t let me get another. She’s French, so I guess it’s a cultural thing. Anyway, I can piss when pissed, no probs. She can suffer from a cold wet arse if she likes – I prefer to make like a Harrier when I go. Funnily enough, since the new bathroom (with bog seat) was fitted a fortnight ago, we’ve had way more visitor traffic upstairs. Must remove the seat again and save the trees!

Bloody Hell! Good show! I reckon Goldfish Club membership is definately deserved.

“Doughnuts? Too much sugar, the nurses keep telling me it’s not good for me.”

They aren’y for you. They’re for me and Ashley.

I’m a slaphead too. Save’s time in the morning.

I remember a guy called Nathan in chemistry (5th formers we were, about 15 at the time) Setrting light to one. Problem was, he was in a bad position, and it kind of curled up his arse crack and over his nuts as well. Inside and outside his trousers. I can still visualise the blue flame to this day (though it’s the first time i’ve thought of it in years). I laughed my **** off! That was in the days when we all used to fill our gobs with lighter gas and blow it through a biro tube over a lit lighter at other ****eheads like ourselves. Chemistry again, and Nathan took a gobful from the bunsen burner. No biro either. THAT was impressive.

Still, my morning fart ritual will NEVER be taken from me. NEVER. You hear me?

Just leave a bowl of water and a big load of biscuits out. A plate of tinned food and a window open. We do that for weekends or more.

They didn’t re-write history. They just made a completely facile and pathetic story based around some events that happened 60 years ago. I personally bought Pearl Harbour because I liked the flying (real or not). The story is ******** – BUT it is not re-writing history. That isn’t possible – even Stalin realised that.

Worst ever film has to be more pathetic acting than a 1970’s American soft core porn flick. (Don’t knock Emmanuelle – that’s a classic!)

Yeah, what’s an LVG?