It looked British TO THEM. Dim? At least i’m not inbred.

Anyway, whats all the fuss about? Its only a bloody aeroplane.

“This might be a dumb question, buy why did the Americans blow up the airliners?”

It looked British.

Oh, you should try it, its well posh! Alternatively (and easier) place the cheese and sauce on a square of puff pastry and put in the oven.

http://www.yesnet.yk.ca/schools/jackhulland/classes/colberg/worms/recipes/students/reece.html

We ask passengers that in the interests of security would they please refrain from leaving their luggage unattended. Failure to follow this request may result in your baggage being removed and blown up.

Fortunately, I bought travel insurance with my flight.

“Did you insure the bag dad?”

Port Salut. Sorry. I forgot. On arrival in France, its off the ferry and straight to Leclerc for a Port Salut and a Batard, with President butter – all put together with my Leatherman. The only food to drive through France, that is.

Digestives? They’re an insult even to Dairylea Triangles.

Cheese. Now here’s a real subject. A grate subject Can really sink our teeth into this one. Keep us on our toes. Sock it to me fellas.

Cheese for cheese on toast HAS to be Cheddar. None of that crappy old mature stuff though. Can’t have that. Put some sliced tomato and a load of cracked black pepper and some salt, and you’re away. Cheddar it is. Nowt else will do.

Cheese for sheese and pickle sandwiches – now that should really be a nice bit of Red Leicester. Grated. Slice it, and I’ll slice off your nose. Gotta be Branston pickle too – don’t sully the sandwich with rubbish pickle. No sir.

Cheese for Ploughmans lunch./ Now that is the reserve of the mature cheddar. BUT GIVE ME MY MEAT AS WELL DAMMIT! The fields need more energy than one piece of cheese can give.

Cheese for cauliflower cheese. LOTS of strong cheddar.

Cheese for baked potatoes. That has to be the limp-wristed cottage cheese. But PLEASE spice mine up with some paprika. And empty the tub.

Cheese for burgers. Now, I don’t care what you say, that has to be plastic cheese. Melt it on, and bung it in. Tesco’s value is, so far, the best one I have found. And don’t forget the gherkins.

For your crackers, well, Danish Blue takes the biscuit.

On a nice bit of baguette, you should spread a bit of St Agur. Creamy, mouth watering, and alive with bacteria……..Oooh Aaah Cantona.

For a quick and tasty starter, get that Camembert (rot the bugger first….. I mean ripen), cut out a large circle from the top rind, push in some pieces of garlic and dribble with white wine, return to the wooden case, and bung in the oven for ten minutes. Rich and greasy, dip the warmed baguette in it and scoop out, narrowly missing the floor. Divine.

A nice bit of Brie with cranberry sauce, if you are in the habit of deep-frying your cheese. A splendid meal.

Ricotta in the cake, parmesan on the spaghetti – mozzarella in ciabatta with pesto and sundried tomatoes. all good stuff.

For a straight cheese sarnie, its asda be Double Gloucester.

With pineappple on sticks, Ilchester Applewood smoked.

Cornish Yarg? **** stuff if ever there was any.

Edam is made backwards.

And for the final course, that king of them all, served with a (full) glass of port – I would go for Cockburns, but use what you have when it’s raining – Stilton.

And give me a nice white wine, and a nice red wine, and some more wine, and another bottle, oh…go on then, why not…who’s driving love? Think I’ll have the Shiraz…..