I can’t resist just one more : Today,when I woke up my husband was already out of bed.Thinking I heard him padding around in the hall,I shouted,” Get that **** in here right now ! ” A voice replied, ” He’s gone out to get some bread. ” It was my mother-in-law.

A book I bought for my daughter’s Christmas stocking,called **** My Life.
Has anyone noticed how book titles are getting ruder ? Mr. Bee already has Do ants have *rseh*les and the companion volume Do bats have B*ll*cks.I’m glad he doesn’t want Roy Hudd’s autobiography.I don’t fancy going into a bookshop and asking whether they have A f*rt in a colander.
Anyway,this book’s just a collection of rdiculous or embarassing things that have happened to people,but it’s so funny..

Today,while walking in the forest,I hit my foot against a half-buried metal object.I dug into the ground and it was a beautiful box,heavy enough not to be empty.I imagined myself rich with gold coins.It was the corpse of a dead cat.

Today,the hard drive on my computer crashed with all of my files on it.I took it to my Dad,who is a computer analyst,to see if he could recover anything.
The only thing that he could salvage was my extensive collection of porn.

And they’re all supposed to be true.

Another New Zealand band,Midnight Youth.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HofQtyg_RN4&feature=related

Cliff Richard must be the most well-known bachelor in the country.Does anyone know whether Paul Potts is married or not ? And I’d say an intellectual is someone who hears O Fortuna from Carmina Burana and doesn’t immediately think of Old Spice.

There’s a nice piece in my paper today showing Susan Boyle singing with Elaine Paige.
Unfortunately as I read through the article the red mist descended.
They’d described her as a spinster.
Just what has that got to do with anything ? Would a similar article have described a male singer as a bachelor ? You bet your life it wouldn’t.
It’s as though the implication is,she’s successful,but hey,she hasn’t got a fella yet.
Oh,and you’re not the only one who doesn’t look their age,old shape.
I directed a little girl to the toilets in Debenhams yesterday then heard her telling her mother she knew where they were because she’d asked ” some girl “.
And no,she didn’t have a guide dog with her.

I’ve got so old that I completely missed the bit about ” blokes just need to be functional with a sense of humour to pull a mate “.
Oh please ….. !
Ah,I get it,it’s another old shape wind-up.isn’t it ?

Old shape.given your attitude I’m amazed you’ve managed to get as much action as you claim.
Imagine for one moment that you’re a woman of a certain age.Not only do you have to put up with the usual ageing process that affects men and women,you’re constantly bombarded with the message that you have to keep yourself looking young,because absolutely the worst thiing that can happen is,God forbid,you might actually look your age.
It seems to me that men have very little idea of this constant unspoken pressure to deny that you’re the age you are.
One of the reasons that I like New Zealand so much is that women there don’t seem to have bought into this fallacy,and are so much more comfortable just being themselves.
Oh well,since it’s still my birthday and I’m stuffed full of chocolate I’ll leave you to your delusions.
Out of interest,which men look like bulldogs chewing wasps ?

My school friend whose father repeatedly abused her is still self harming over forty years later.
And he got away with it unpunished because nobody,not even her own mother,would believe her.